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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel secretly sad

54 replies

reytmardy · 27/05/2019 15:08

DH has low energy, doesn't want to go anywhere. Managed to get him to take us (D's, 12) and myself to an activity this morning . Place has just opened and was empty but he still complained the music was too loud. It was nice weather when we left and I asked to go to park, and it was a no because he wanted to go back home (it was 11.15 am) came home and he has just sat watching TV. He's now nearly asleep.
DS is playing with Lego and fortunately has a sport activity later this afternoon. DH will not take us to the activity, which is twice a week, as he might not be able to park his car again when gets back. All the other parents collect their children. We are always the ones stood waiting for the bus.
He has regular reviews for thyroid meds and isn't depressed (been seen by GP) It's an embedded attitude. I do everything with Ds on my own

OP posts:

Original poster

reytmardy · 27/05/2019 15:50

He sees an endocrinologist every 6 months. DS has mild Sen so independent travel isn't an option at the moment

OP posts:

smallereveryday · 27/05/2019 15:51

Learn to drive OP !! Why don't you ? Unless you have really severe physical difficulties that prevent this. I am 'the driver' drives me absolutely fucking bonkers but my Dd 3 is 17 and learning do not long now...

Mrsjayy · 27/05/2019 15:51

Has he always had zero interest in other people or just the family ? Have you asked why a parki g space is more important than his wife and son I couldn't be arsed with him tbh

fecketyfeck21 · 27/05/2019 15:52

heck, my first husband was like this, but was married to his office job, a manager, but not high ranking, he left family life for me to organise and in the end i was like a single parent.
there was no medical reason either, he just preferred to bring work home and even on holiday, back in the day before laptops etc,it meant loads of folders of paper and 5 /6 calls into the office every day.
op you have my full sympathy, but i don't get the references to you learning to drive though, how will that encourage dh back into family life ?? unless he drives for a living, seems a bit of a cop out tbh and as you said you use public transport.

Mrsjayy · 27/05/2019 15:53

And as for posters saying learn to drive are missing the point.

WildfirePonie · 27/05/2019 15:55

Does he exercise at all?

Mrsjayy · 27/05/2019 15:56

I don't drive if dh wasn't arou d we jumped on the bus but i wouldn't be expected to do "kids stuff" while dh sat at home.

anothernotherone · 27/05/2019 15:57

reytmardy has he always been like this?

Is he engaged with work or hobbies or friends, or totally disengaged from everything?

The fact he sees and endocrinologist does suggest there's more to it than lazyness!

BogglesGoggles · 27/05/2019 15:57

Thyroid problems can be debilitating even when being ‘managed’.

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/05/2019 15:57

Learning to drive is important though.

OP knows what the problem is and feels sad. However the solution is to live a full life and not be bogged down and discouraged by Mr Disinterested.

Get as independent as you can. If he has checked out of family life, you have to act as though you are single anyway.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/05/2019 15:58

I don't think OP is posting concerned about driving.
That is bad form, if he is not depressed and has always lacked motivation, I doubt he'll change
It is a shame on DS. My BIL is a lazy, he has a job but prefers to spend his spare time being lazy or stalking his DW.
There sin is now 15, if anything things are getting worse.

elfies · 27/05/2019 15:59

Could it be Diabetes , I have thyroid (well treated ) and type 2 diabetes and despite meds , am often so tired and low that I just can't do anything energetic, and I feel so guilty .

Singlenotsingle · 27/05/2019 16:00

He sounds bored with life. I had a bf once who had no interest in anything at all except horse racing. He was boring. Didn't last long!

INeedAFlerken · 27/05/2019 16:06

I would tell him he needs to go back to the GP and get some help if he thinks he needs it. But otherwise, he has to rejoin family life. Otherwise, what's the point of having him around at all if he has fuck all interest in his own wife and children?!?

Goldmandra · 27/05/2019 16:09

If I put together a list of what you've just described......

Doesn’t like being at an unfamiliar place
Doesn’t like loud music
Wants to be at home
Doesn’t want to risk being unable to park in his usual space
Shuts down and watches TV instead of interacting with his family

.....I can't help wondering about undiagnosed autism.

daisypond · 27/05/2019 16:11

This isn’t about driving. Neither DH or I drive but we do plenty out and about with the children. It’s about his lack of drive- pun not intended.

fotheringhay · 27/05/2019 16:21

I feel for you. Xh was like this.

Now I'm a single mum, ds(8) is the same. I had a nightmare trying to get him out this morning. Am also thinking undiagnosed autism as Goldmandra says. No one else seems to think he's got a problem so I haven't persued it yet.

It's a horrible feeling, the contrast between the life you want and the life you have. Hope you find a way through

DishingOutDone · 27/05/2019 16:21

Pinching Goldmandra's handy list:

Is it undiagnosed illness, poor soul, an underlying mental health issue - made worse by his partner expecting him to drive her and their son to places (FFS how entitled can you get OP? eh?)

He's just a fucking lazy arse. I know where my money is.

AmeriAnn · 27/05/2019 16:27

If he can function at his job or does things he likes he's just a selfish person. I've been married to one for over 35 years. You need to become independent and not rely on him anymore for family outings.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/05/2019 16:31

Learning to drive won't solve the OP's problem - she'll still be doing everything by herself, only she will be doing it in the car.

No one ever thinks about the fact that learning to drive is very expensive. It's not always the best solution to every issue.

Petalflowers · 27/05/2019 16:34

How was his childhood? A friend’s dh resented having to take his dc to activities, and then it transpired he never did activities himself as a child, so hadn’t learnt what to do. Not an excuse, but a reason.

Do you do other things as a family?

Goldmandra · 27/05/2019 16:36

If he can function at his job or does things he likes he's just a selfish person.

That's not true of undiagnosed autism. Lots of people with ASD push themselves hard to function in a job or in other routine activities but then shut down in between to recover.

Just to be clearl, if it is ASD, it doesn't make it OK for the OP to have to facilitate their son's activities with no support.

newjobnerves · 27/05/2019 16:37

It's the key to true independence though, the relationship sounds pretty dire and like it's on its last legs so I'm just not sure it's worth the effort of trying to change him, you can't. Learning to drive would better prepare the OP for life as a single parent, as I say she's the one who specifically said she felt bad other children got picked up, it's one thing that's within her control to solve.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/05/2019 16:44

I agree that it's better to drive than not, but the real problem isn't waiting for the bus, it's sadness that her husband doesn't make the effort in the same way that the other dads do for their dc.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2019 16:47

I would tell him he either gets engaged with family life or the marriage is over. Why waste more years of your life being miserable?

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