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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visitors with no plans!

38 replies

MissUGirl · 27/05/2019 13:21

An old friend got in touch because she was going to be visiting my (historic) city with her new partner, and wanted to meet up. We once knew each other very well but haven't met for 15+ years.

I wouldn't consider her a close friend any more, but as I suspect things are financially tight I invited them to stay at my home instead of a hotel, as I have ample room.

They have been here for three days and are driving me round the bend as they have absolutely no ideas about what they would like to do! They basically sit around chatting and drinking tea until I suggest something. I have had to take them out myself on a couple of occasions just to get them out the door!

Any suggestions for how to handle the remaining four days of their stay, as I'm at my wits' end! I've tried asking them "so what's your plan for tomorrow" etc, but they just say "oh, we like everything, we're not bothered"! I expected that as they were planning to come here prior to my invitation, they would have a list of things they wanted to see/do, etc.

They aren't unpleasant people by any means but I didn't expect to be a full time tour guide for a week!

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 27/05/2019 13:28

They probably feel that using you for accommodation and doing their own thing is rude. I would say to them that you are planning to do something on tues/weds whatever so they should make plans for themselves and give them some suggestions of places to go

NoAngel1 · 27/05/2019 13:32

Make them some specific plans and let them know you’re busy. ‘Go to x on Tuesday and Y on Wednesday... enjoy’. Can’t imagine inviting people I hardly know to stay for a week!

TheFaerieQueene · 27/05/2019 13:34

When are they leaving???

PuppyMonkey · 27/05/2019 13:34

Have you discussed how long they’re staying?Brew

I’d just tell them you have plans of your own today and go out - but give them a link to the local tourist board page online.

PuppyMonkey · 27/05/2019 13:35

I think k I’ve added a cup of tea by accident there.Grin

DisplayPurposesOnly · 27/05/2019 13:36

"Right you two, you'll have to sort yourselves out for the rest of the week and make your own plans. Ive given you three days but now I must get back to my own life. Why don't you download a TripAdvisor or Lonely Planet city guide / here's a guide book / some leaflets to help you."

Lessons learned - don't invite anyone for a week, ask their plans and set out your boundaries before they come!

Original poster
MissUGirl · 27/05/2019 13:40

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm terrible at being blunt with people so some of your phrasings will be very useful! They are leaving on Thursday.

I don't actually want to go out as I want to stay in and get on with my own projects. I also don't like having to make suggestions as I then feel 'responsible' for them having a nice time, but the link to the tourist board will be helpful.

OP posts:
Fatasfooook · 27/05/2019 13:42

I would get them leaflets from the tourist office then tell them I’m busy for the next three days so please go and entertain yourselves but on day four I thought we could all go to...(insert local attraction here)

user1486915549 · 27/05/2019 13:51

Wow ! How did “ meeting up “ morph into staying with you for a weeks holiday ?
Your mistake was in asking them to stay , rather than just arranging to meet up for a drink one evening. Doesn’t sound as if they are enjoying themselves either.
But too late now. Tell them you are working and point them in the direction of local attractions.
Surely they had reasons for wanting to visit your city 🤷‍♀️

TheRLodger · 27/05/2019 13:53

Oh you have my sympathies. My aunt is like that plus doesn’t have a car.
Not sure what to suggest other than leaving touristy leaflets around and lining up appointments so that they have to entertain themselves

ItsSetInStone · 27/05/2019 13:54

Just tell them you have your own projects to get on with the next couple of days and give them the spare keys to let themselves in and out.

Drum2018 · 27/05/2019 14:01

What were you thinking? How could you have even known that things were financially tight when you haven't seen her in 15 years? Even if she rang and actually asked if she could stay, you could have said no. Surely if they had planned their holiday before contacting you to catch up, they would have factored in the cost of a hotel. Bizarre.

If you have a tourist office locally tell them to head off there and they'll find lots of ideas. Decline to go with them - tell them you have things to do. And next time anyone calls up to meet, arrange to go for a coffee in a cafe. Grin

OutInTheCountry · 27/05/2019 14:02

They might be relieved if you give them permission to go somewhere without you. Just say you have some things to do and let them know when you will or won't be available.

HennyPennyHorror · 27/05/2019 14:03

When friends stay with us I assume they will spend most of the time with me. Am I odd then? They always seem to want to as well!

BiggerBoat1 · 27/05/2019 14:04

Can you say you have to go somewhere for an appt and you'll drop them off near something historic.

Maybe suggest you'll meet up with them for a coffee a few hours later?

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/05/2019 14:05

Just tell them that you have work to do and won't be able to 'join' them.
Then hole up in your room and get on with your work.
Don't babysit them.

Yabbers · 27/05/2019 14:06

I can see the reverse of this.

“Friend offered us a place to stay but she is always on at us to go out and do something, we like just to take the day as it comes, sit, relax and chat, then take a wander out and about. We’ve tried being tactful and saying we aren’t too bothered about traipsing round every single attraction there is, but she keeps insisting. Is it wrong we just want to relax and do our own holiday they way we like it? If I’d known she’d turn into a tour guide, we’d have booked the hotel”

Leave them to it. They didn’t ask for an itinerary.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 27/05/2019 14:07

I would assume they are not doing anything as they are waiting for you to suggest doing something all together. Perhaps they think it is rude to do their own thing. If I invited people to stay with me I would have had an itinerary planned and would expect to have to entertain them pretty much constantly unless it had been explicitly prearranged that I wouldn’t.

I agree with HennyPenny, if you have visitors you usually endure their company constantly spend time with them.

Original poster
MissUGirl · 27/05/2019 14:13

I hope they don't think it would be rude to do their own thing! I will let them know that is definitely not the case.

It's true that I don't see the point in them coming to my city if they just want to sit around indoors all day, but perhaps that's their idea of a holiday. I'd rather they sat around in a cafe or someplace other than my sitting room though.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissUGirl · 27/05/2019 14:17

I wasn't thinking of it as a visit to see me, and I assume they weren't either. I know a little of their financial predicament as we are friends on Facebook and her business folded a little while ago.

OP posts:
BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/05/2019 14:18

If they'll only go out when you make their plans for them, make their plans for them. "Why don't you go to X and Y tomorrow, then you'll be near Restaurant A for the evening. The day after I'd recommend Z..."

No, you shouldn't have to but then they shouldn't be such useless guests either. They may well have thought that you'd all be doing things together but when it became clear that you didn't want to do that, they should have taken responsibility for themselves. It's not hard to look at Tripadvisor.

And don't feel responsible for their 'nice time' - they aren't taking any responsibility for themselves, so why should you?

Original poster
MissUGirl · 27/05/2019 14:20

BrightYellowDaffodil you're right; I don't know why I feel responsible for them having a nice time!

OP posts:
JaynePoole · 27/05/2019 14:23

You've made a lot of assumptions and Rescued them, that's what's caused this. I would find it excruciating.

Jaspermcsween · 27/05/2019 14:25

Op you are a kind and decent person.
It was a lovely thing to invite them to stay.

I don’t understand how anyone could be in any way critical of your kindness.

JaynePoole · 27/05/2019 14:26

I don't know why I feel responsible for them having a nice time!

What makes you think that they're not?