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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be this unhappy?

32 replies

Jas0510 · 27/05/2019 11:14

We’ve been together 7 years, recent mortgage, pets, no kids. I’m 23 and he’s 26

I feel very unhappy now as I want to “live” (travel, earn more, experience new things). But it feels like he is happy in a routine and he wants me to play the role of “wife” and talk about kids and mingle with other couples. We argue like a married couple - I don’t want to be arguing with someone about dishes at 23 this is ridiculous. I do think we moved too fast, we’ve lived together since year 1, but it’s too late to change that so here we are. Also I didn’t want a mortgage, he did, I hate it and feel trapped in a location and job now. I know we can sell but makes it more complicated...

I thought I wanted marriage but now I don’t know. I don’t see how it would benefit me as a woman who earns more than him. I probably do want kids, but I don’t want to think about it now. It feels like pressure.

I can tolerate his family, but I don’t want to be there every week and spend a whole day there as I find it exhausting. His sisters are mean and I feel like I’m too young for this all. He has younger siblings and kids annoy me so I try not to go. I know I should go more but I’ve been stubborn. We’ve argued as I don’t visit them enough.

I don’t want to attend lots of social functions with his friends. I’m an introvert and it is EXHAUSTING. I’m not shy but it just feels like a performance the whole time. I’ve not met some of his friends. We’ve argued about this too.

He is thoughtful and kind and is a good partner. He listens to me and does make me happy, he’s patient and supportive. But every time I think about him now my heart drops. Sex too is kind of boring, he wants the same style it’s so predictable. Don’t get me wrong it feels great and he’s attentive, but there’s no experimenting, I suggest new things but he’s not keen.

I see people in relationships sending nice messages, romantic dates, cute presents. I feel like I don’t get this, and I easily could if I left this relationship and dated. But I know they are new relationships and we’ve been together this long it will obviously change...

Love takes work and I don’t want to give up if I’m being silly and “grass is greener”.

But I feel trapped.... AIBU? :(

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 27/05/2019 11:18

You are not trapped and it is not too late for anything.

Sell the house, go travelling, do whatever you want. If you're still in love with each other in ten years, great, get married, have a family. If not, you haven't wasted ten years with someone it turns out you don't want to be with.

LordNibbler · 27/05/2019 11:23

You're just growing up. You both want different things. That's ok. You're 23 and you want some adventure and to discover who you are. I think you need to leave, you don't need anyones permission. Don't stay, and wake up one day full of regret. There's a whole world out there for you to experience. That's an exciting thought isn't it.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 27/05/2019 11:24

So you've been together since you were 16? Definitely get out and do what you want before you marry. Travel, go to the theatre, drink cocktails you've never tasted before, eat out, try new things, he's welcome to join or you can do it alone, the relationship will either last or it won't. Houses can be sold and you're plenty young enough for all the other stuff later on.

Justbreathing · 27/05/2019 11:27

You just want very different things in life.

AlyssasBackRolls · 27/05/2019 11:30

This relationship has most likely run its course. I was in your position and houses can be sold, you can both find greater happiness. I certainly did and haven't looked back over 20 years on!

BogglesGoggles · 27/05/2019 11:31

It sounds like you aren’t ready for this level of commitment but please don’t make the mistake of assuming that it’s easy to find someone good to be with. You need to consider the opportunity cost. Is being with him worth not being able to date, live a more itinerant lifestyle etc? Is living a lifestyle with more freedom worth the risk of always being alone or ending up with someone not as good as him? Have a think about that then have an honest discussion with him about what you want and what he wants and whether you can make it work. Just be very clear on wjatyou want and more importantly what you are willing to give up to get it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/05/2019 11:54

Your life sounds very dull for 23. If you need something different and your partner doesn't want to at least try new things you need to spend some time thinking about how life would be if you were single. Don't just think about fun and adventure but the practical things too like housing and work, and if you do split up don't let guilt mean you end up financially disadvantaged.

Sparklesocks · 27/05/2019 12:00

BogglesGoggles she’s only 23, not like she needs to rush to find and settle down with the right person.

MustardBastard · 27/05/2019 12:00

You're so young, you have plenty of years to play the domestic goddess and home owner. I didn't settle down until I was 31. Admittedly, I did get lonely sometimes but I also travelled (and travelled a bit on my own), had some relationships with handsome dark foreigners when I was abroad, did some off the beaten track places, got to know myself and increase my confidence.

I do sometimes wish I had settled down sooner but also know that I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't had my experiences. And 23 would have been far too young for me to settle down. 28/29 would be my choice.

Life is too short not to be happy. You need to do what you need to do. And if you and your partner want different things then you'l weren't compatible for the long-haul. And you can't compromise yourself and stick with something you're not happy with because one day you will resent him - and that's not fair. It's not fair on either of you.

f3bPSYQLfDCXaBQ · 27/05/2019 12:08

Hi Jas,

If you had all the courage in the world what would you do? Figure out what the answer to this is and you will clearly be able to see at least the first step to realising your happiness. A lot of the comments above are relevant however nobody knows what will make you happy. Only you have the answer to this question. Change is difficult and unsettling but we can all do it. I wish you well.

Cariadne · 27/05/2019 12:27

You aren’t trapped and honestly - it won’t get better. Please get out now while you are so young and live the life you actually want to lead!

Dvg · 27/05/2019 12:29

Your at the age that a lot of people are finishing there education at so now is the time to do it rather than later, i wouldn't waste anymore of yours or his time.

Good luck OP, you have plenty of time to settle down and think about marriage and kids

ANewDawn10 · 27/05/2019 12:32

Yanbu. I always cringe when people say they've been together a long time and then say they're 22/23. You were children when you got together, you have grown apart and want to experience life - and that is perfectly normal. You can still do all what you want.
You are not trapped- lucky you had the sense not to saddle yourself with 2/3 kids at this age. It seems he wants to settle down and that's not for you right now. Dont feel like this is what you have to resign yourself to just because you were together 7 years- most of it you were just a child or teen.

Cariadne · 27/05/2019 12:33

please don’t make the mistake of assuming that it’s easy to find someone good to be with. You need to consider the opportunity cost. Is being with him worth not being able to date, live a more itinerant lifestyle etc? Is living a lifestyle with more freedom worth the risk of always being alone or ending up with someone not as good as him?

This is fucking bleak!

Having no partner is far, far better than having a partner who you find boring, who has completely different goals to you, who doesn’t want to live life the same way you do. You don’t have to settle into a life you hate out of fear that anyone is better than no one.

Far too many people are in bad relationships out of fear that they can’t do any better and that not having a partner is the worst thing that can befall a person. It’s bullshit! Your life is about more than a relationship.

You’re so young. You have your whole life ahead of you - it’s a long time to be bored on the basis that you might not do better. You have the ability to create the life you love for yourself and then see who fits into that as the right person for you. Please don’t feel at 23 that you don’t have the option of finding someone you truly want to share your life with.

AhoyDelBoy · 27/05/2019 12:49

For crying out loud! You’re 23, TWENTY THREE years of age! That’s so young! Way, way too young to be stuck in a relationship with a guy that makes your ‘heart drop’ when you think about him. And you’re not satisfied in the bedroom either? Goodness, gracious me, you’re talking like a woman much, much older whose been married for as long as you’ve been alive!

Honestly, this post is actually making me angry. I think because at 23 you’re so young but, like most people, want to rush to grow up and now it’s kind of like hmmm what next? Married, kids and that’s it!

Honestly I’m only 12 years your senior and had ended a 4 year relationship at 22. I wonder now what the hell I was thinking tbh. I should of been out having fun but no I was shacked up in a dead end relationship!

Honestly, leave him and go and live a little before you settle down (that’s what I did in the end) I guarantee you will look back in 10 years and think what was I thinking!?

I really hope it works out for you but don’t stay just to avoid the heartache now, it will only get worse the longer you leave it, especially if there are dependants involved.

Pashazade · 27/05/2019 12:55

You will have changed so much from 16 to 23. Please leave and sell the house. It will be kinder to both of you in the long run. Go and live some life. You will find someone else as and when you want to. But do not go any further where you are I think it would be an awful mistake.

stayathomer · 27/05/2019 13:08

This is the aibu of someone in their forties with kids, not someone with none. Can you have a talk with him and see if he's consider travelling etc? Although if th ast hi s t feels like putting it all on the long finger and you're already not happy with everything then maybe the only option is that you break up. Good much OP and hope it all works out and go grab life. Oh and yanbu to be so unhappy, but yabu if you don't do something to change it

TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood · 27/05/2019 13:37

Your 'heart drops' when think of him? All the rest is irrelevant - you're over it. Move on.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/05/2019 13:42

I was your age with 2 children, now that is trapped. My children are adored but I will be in my late-fifties before I have the freedom to travel without thinking of anyone else. Be kind to the both of you and go after what you really want.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 13:53

You have to move on.

You've outgrown this relationship, you are already bored and frustrated, at 23. You honestly think you can stomach another 45 years plus of this?!

You aren't trapped at all. Tell him you can't do this, and he either buys you out of the house or you sell it, and you split.

DON'T get married. DON'T get pregnant.

OrdinaryGirl · 27/05/2019 13:59

^^what she said.

Needtobuildabridge · 27/05/2019 14:02

I was in your situation and someone said to me...

"Yes you've been together for the last 8 years, but what about the next 60?"

It's what made me realise that I didn't want to be that unhappy for so long. Get out. Enjoy life ❤

Sn0tnose · 27/05/2019 14:14

You’re 23, not 83. This is the time of your life when you should be discovering who you are and what you want from life. You absolutely should not allow anyone make you feel guilty about wanting to live your life. If your heart is sinking at the thought of him, then your relationship is already over. It’s just a case of cutting the ties.

No, it’s probably not going to be the best year of your life ending a relationship and selling up, but the sense of relief and feeling of freedom you will get will be priceless. In five years time, you might decide that a mortgage and kids and routine is all you want in the world. Or you might decide that kipping on a beach in Thailand is the only thing for you. And either would be absolutely fine. The only thing that matters is that you’re happy with the choices you’ve made.

Simonfromharlow · 27/05/2019 14:21

If you think it's not right go now. It's so much easier now than later down the line. Like someone else said all could be different if you do this now. Don't make yourself regret not doing it later down the line.

pigsDOfly · 27/05/2019 14:34

As pp said, the fact that your heart sinks at the thought of him is all you need to know, it says it all.

You've grown apart and you're no longer compatible. It's good that you've realised this now and not another ten years and two or three children down the line.

Whether you meet someone else as nice as him or not is irrelevant. He might be the loveliest man alive but if he's not the one for you, he not the one for you.

Ending the relationship and selling the house is not going to be without its stresses, I know from personal experience - divorced with 3 children and we sold the family home - but once it's done you will be able to get on with your life.

You want different things. Don't settle.