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Original poster

To tell ex friend she was a complete shit?

43 replies

Frownette · 27/05/2019 10:50

I haven't even really thought about her in 15 years, we used to be very close growing up, but she used to taunt me about my sibling having aspergers so contact was broken. It's not funny to me as I know the difficulties they face.

The only reason I thought about it this morning was that I saw a pic of us on our 18th with other friends (still in contact with them) and suddenly felt furious about how awful she was. Bit of a delayed response!

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 27/05/2019 10:52

What are you hoping to achieve?
Are you prepared for all responses, some of which you might not like?
What do you want to feel at the end?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/05/2019 11:01

I wouldn’t bother, it’s not likely to achieve anything.

Thequaffle · 27/05/2019 11:02

Nah. No point. She probably knows it.

Isth · 27/05/2019 11:04

After fifteen years?? No OP. Just no. It won’t achieve anything and you won’t feel any better.

What she did was bloody awful tho x

cookiechomper · 27/05/2019 11:07

No don't say anything. It was too long ago.

PlinkPlink · 27/05/2019 11:13

Don't say anything unless she tries to make contact again.

Direct your anger into happiness that you chose to cut her off. You made the right decision. Don't dwell on the negative.

Sparklesocks · 27/05/2019 11:15

I think it’s been too long, it’s best to let it go and channel your energy into more positive things. In a way she’s still having control over you all these years later if you still want to tell her all this.

Drum2018 · 27/05/2019 11:17

15 years? Do you even know where she is now? I wouldn't want to invite her back into my life by making contact - albeit negative contact. She could make your life difficult again and you'd only be annoyed at yourself for instigating it.

LimeKiwi · 27/05/2019 11:18

What everyone else said. What'd be the point of dragging it all up again?
She sounds vile, just leave her in the past.
Hopefully she knows she was awful and feels ashamed.
Or if she doesn't, you're probably not going to change her mind by dredging it up again.

SweatyUnderboob · 27/05/2019 11:20

If you need to release it, pour it all out into a letter. Try not to send it to her if you can, it won’t achieve anything. When you are ready to let go, burn the letter.

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/05/2019 11:28

She was young, immature and stupid.
I wouldn't get in contact for that.
Let it go.

Dippypippy1980 · 27/05/2019 11:29

Leave it. Nothing to be gained and she won’t see her flaws.

I have the queen of revenge fantasies. I come out as the eloquent victor leaving tearful ex friends in my wake who suddenly realise how wrong they were.

In real life people will stubbornly believe thy are in the right and will always paint themselves as the hero of their own life story.

Boysey45 · 27/05/2019 11:32

Absolutely pointless telling her anything, you will just wind yourself up.

rwalker · 27/05/2019 11:32

Sadly the only person who will look bad will be you just leave it. No defence but 15 years later she might be a different person.

Fundays12 · 27/05/2019 11:34

Nope absolutely not she is just horrible and by contacting her you are giving her a license to come back into your life in some ways.

x2boys · 27/05/2019 11:35

Well hopefully she's grown up a lot since then, I have a child with severe autism who I am extremely protective of so I can definitely see why you are angry , but people grow up and change usually .

Original poster
Frownette · 27/05/2019 11:37

Thanks for your responses, I think I just felt angry first thing as I know the difficulties my sibling faces and it brought it all back. People's ignorance.

Anyway calmed down a bit now, it was just seeing the 18th photo, though I may well drop her a line. Thanks Smile

OP posts:
SchoolPanicTime · 27/05/2019 11:56

I don't know that confronting her would achieve anything. Hopefully she's more mature and empathetic now than she was as a teenager and if she's not she'll only frustrate you more.

viques · 27/05/2019 12:13

i may well drop her a line

Do this, a proper letter, on paper. Write down everything, your hurt, your anger, your resentment, how much you love your sister, how her life has been affected by autism . Write down positive things too that show how your life , and your sisters life, has moved on since you were 18. Say you hope her life has moved on too, that she has learned to show more empathy towards others , that she has insight into how hurtful her comments as an 18 year old were.

Put the letter in an envelope. Put it away for a week. Take it out, re read it.

Burn it.

OrdinarySnowflake · 27/05/2019 12:16

Are you the same as you were then? Are you stronger? Nicer? Kinder?

I certainly have grown more tolerant of somethings and less of others over the last 20+ years.

She might well know that and be a very different person. Or she won't be and nothing will be achieved by telling her that she upset you, other than giving her power over you.

Heartlake · 27/05/2019 12:46

Don't drop her a line, unless you want to do anything other than let bygones be bygones and move on.

Acknowledge your hurt... It's a real thing! Then be thankful that this hasn't dragged out during the intervening years.

Thanks
Original poster
Frownette · 27/05/2019 12:56

Thanks Heartlake, I see what you mean.

The reason we split contact initially was that I asked her in neutral terms why she was nasty about my sibling and she ran off crying saying that she'd failed me. To get attention from everyone else.

Both of us felt too awkward to resume contact.

I was just reminded of it this morning as I found a pic of me dancing on a table at my birthday surrounded by our friends (same friendship group). I think I may drop a line as I'm still indignant on my sibling's behalf. 'Oh your crazy little sibling?' 'Are they going to end up in prison?' 'How mad are they?'

They didn't end up in prison, have a high IQ and are much more empathic than she is.

Grrr.

OP posts:
baubled · 27/05/2019 13:27

She's probably mortified looking back at her behaviour. Everyone changes so much between them ages that the person you'll be telling off won't be the same one that causes you the hurt.

Craftycorvid · 27/05/2019 13:40

It’s amazing how seeing something like an old photo can really take us back to unresolved hurts. As PP have said, hopefully your former friend is in a better place now (psychologically speaking). You could write down what you’d like to say to her but you don’t need to send it. Sometimes having a small ritual you devise can be very helpful: burn the letter, do something to mark the severing of that tie to the past. It goes without saying that a happy person doesn’t feel the need to goad in the way she did, and she might well regret it now, but you’ve no guarantee of the response (or none) you would get from her and it could re-awaken more painful feelings for you.

Original poster
Frownette · 27/05/2019 13:54

Nice thing about the photo is that I'm reaching out my hand and laughing to my best friend still now. She doesn't keep in contact with former friend either, thinks she's false.

I think I'll get in contact with former friend and say how unacceptable her comments were. MH has become much more prevalent and open now so she hasn't got a leg to stand on. I feel so infuriated about her abuse towards my sibling.

OP posts:
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