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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell ex friend she was a complete shit?

43 replies

Frownette · 27/05/2019 10:50

I haven't even really thought about her in 15 years, we used to be very close growing up, but she used to taunt me about my sibling having aspergers so contact was broken. It's not funny to me as I know the difficulties they face.

The only reason I thought about it this morning was that I saw a pic of us on our 18th with other friends (still in contact with them) and suddenly felt furious about how awful she was. Bit of a delayed response!

OP posts:

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 27/05/2019 14:04

It seems you're not actually taking on board any other opinions, but I also wouldn't reach out. 15 years ago I assume she was a silly teenager, and whilst it doesn't defend what she says I can imagine she regrets them now she is (hopefully) older and wiser, and is well aware that they were hurtful and unacceptable. Contacting her will gain nothing, let it lie

WorraLiberty · 27/05/2019 14:10

She's going to think you've lost to plot OP.

She was 18, literally just turned adult and it was FIFTEEN years ago.

Let it be or perhaps look at speaking to someone either very close to you or perhaps a professional, if you feel you need to get the anger off your chest.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/05/2019 14:14

Honestly, don't make contact. No one is going to respond well to contact from someone they have had nothing to do with for years, which comes in the form of 'You are a bad person'. She'll either ignore you or tell you to go fuck yourself.

Original poster

Frownette · 27/05/2019 14:16

I am listening, Worra and namechange, just a bit surprised this has brought up so much anger. I could contact best friend but I've always tried to stay neutral before when she criticised her as I didn't want to affect their individual friendship

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 27/05/2019 14:20

No idea what you think you will achieve with this? Given she is an ‘ex’ friend and you haven’t spoken for 15 years there will not be some epiphany and realisation their behaviour was bad (although she may well know that anyway), she will just think you are batshit.

I have a young adult with Aspergers and I get the protective thing but seriously I would never consider doing this. Because it’s batshit.

WorraLiberty · 27/05/2019 14:21

This is about you struggling with the past/memories etc.

Therefore I think if you're still struggling in a week or so, you need to work out the best course of action in seeking help is.

Randomly contacting this woman 15 years on is not the best course of action to take.

For all you know, you could get a nasty reply or one that'll lift the lid on a whole can of worms for you to emotionally deal with.

Boysey45 · 27/05/2019 14:23

Let it go OP, if your still upset in a week or so consider ringing the Samaritans to talk it over or put your name down for some counselling. If you send her a letter she will go round telling people you are crazy, cant let go or are stalking her. You wont get a positive response. You'll just be causing yourself problems which you don't need.
I don't think there will be one person on this board who hasn't had a bitch of a friend at one point or even more than 1. It happens, don't let this drag you down, its not worth it.

category12 · 27/05/2019 14:25

15 years on it's done with. Surely cutting her off back then was the end of it - she knew why you did that, so what are you hoping for, out of it? She ran off saying she'd failed you, so presumably she knew she'd fucked things up. Raking it up now is odd.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/05/2019 14:28

What is it you want to achieve, @OP?

If she knows she did wrong then, and looks back now in shame now, you're going to drag all that back up, and for what? For whatever reason, she hasn't contacted you in the interim - either out of shame or because she's decided to let sleeping dogs lie.

If she's still a nasty person who thinks it's OK to laugh at the differently abled, she's going to ask you why the hell you're contacting her after all this time and almost certainly minimise your (understandable) anger. She may even use it as an opportunity to say the same things again. How will that make you feel?

Don't "drop her a line", make your peace with it and accept that either it was a horrible thing said by someone who was a troubled kid themselves (you reference her admitting she did it for attention - we all did things we regret at that age, when old enough to know how to push someone's buttons but not old enough to realise the harm it does), or that they're a genuinely awful person who's going to be stuck being them for the rest of their lives. But either way, just leave it.

BethMaddison · 27/05/2019 14:28

Probably best to leave it .....
Similar happened to me once (I was the ‘horrible’ friend)

Aged 11 I was in a class with 2 girls who had been best friends all through primary and I was friendly with both until I got invited to the house of one and the other went absolutely mad, was v v possessive and had to change what high school she was going to etc (her parents indulged her theory I had stolen her best friend when in reality I wanted to be friends with them both) she absolutely hated me but we were children and off we went to different schools

Aged 16 we were then at the same high school I said hello to her on the bus and she started shouting at me 🤣 telling me I had ruined her life and now she would need to change college too...

BethMaddison · 27/05/2019 14:29

college ...not high school

NoBaggyPants · 27/05/2019 14:29

MH has become much more prevalent and open now so she hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Aspergers is not a mental health condition. It's quite ignorant to lump them together.

Please don't contact your ex friend. It's not going to resolve anything on your part, and ex friend will probably wonder what you're on. Bringing up an issue after such a long time is very odd.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/05/2019 14:29

There is no way of you coming off good if you send this message. You will look unhinged.

It's been 15 years!! She may have been a little shit but she was 18! Let it go.

Sn0tnose · 27/05/2019 14:30

I do completely understand why seeing the photo has brought up so many feelings but what would you be hoping to achieve?

If she even remembers saying it, any message that you are hoping to get across will likely be drowned out by her belief that you’ve been holding onto this for fifteen years. If she likes attention from people, telling them that ‘Frownette has just had a go at me about something she claims I said fifteen years ago’ is going to give her everything she wants and, in the kindest way, is going to make you sound a smidge obsessive.

She said it. She’s an arse. She’s lost your friendship. Your sibling is doing well in life. You have nothing to gain and lots of peace to lose by bringing drama from over a decade ago back into your life. Channel your inner Elsa and let it go.

FenellaMaxwell · 27/05/2019 14:30

There is nothing this can achieve. If she’s grown up and is a nicer person then there’s no need to berate her for something that happened 15 years ago. If she hasn’t, all it’s going to do is massage her ego to know you’re thinking about her to this extent. You need to move on.

magicBrenda · 27/05/2019 14:33

Beware of messaging her and not getting the response you want back. Your actively looking to cause drama here.

x2boys · 27/05/2019 14:58

She wouldn't have a leg to stand on it she made those comments now but 15 years is a long time ,most people mature a hell of a lot between the ages of 18 and early 30,s you can't berate someone for comments they made at 18.

NauseousMum · 27/05/2019 15:09

She sounds terrible. She may have changed or may not. If she taunted you then I'm guessing it was on more then one occassion before you cut her out? If so then i wonder if some of the anger you feel isn't guilt or anger at yourself for not doing it sooner.

Im not saying you should feel anger/guilt for not doing it sooner but i know from experience that often you can feel that way.

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