Ex doesn't send DS back with his stuff!

[mosa9]

DS has been staying there about 2 nights a week.
I haven't checked when he's been sent back with his clothes until we're home and I haven't remembered what I've sent out (but I usually send him with 2 clean outfits & pyjamas).

I've had to buy 2-3 outfits and socks in the past few weeks because we keep running low.
DM bought him a couple of pairs of pants too over the weekend.
Got up this morning to do washing expecting to at least have 3/4 of his stuff in his basket and I have about 3 outfits in total in there, missing a new pair of pyjamas and most of his pairs of socks.

AIBU to be really angry about this this morning?? I don't buy stuff for him to stash out there.
I got a few outfits back at one point by not sending him out there with anything (there was a fuss every time he wasn't sent with anything) but I'd explained that I wasn't getting enough stuff back to do that and that I wanted his clothes back!
The couple of occasions I have checked the bag before we left and asked why it's empty, I'm told the stuff is already in the washing machine.

Just stop sending clothes with him.

Well don't send any clothes with him ever he should have clothes for him anyway

How old is DS? Only asking because my DSS is a nightmare for just leaving his fully packed bag in his bedroom or the car 🤯🤯 We’ll ask him several times ‘Have you got your bag’ and he always says yes but so many times it’s been forgotten but we always get into trouble. He’s 9.

@HotChocolateLover definitely not that, he's not old enough for it to be his responsibility yet!

Sorry but does your ex not have clothes and things for his son at his house? That's very odd.

I agree no more clothes, if your Ex questions you point out he has PJs and plenty of clothes that you have already supplied.

Your Ex should be buying clothes for him there so stop sending them.
He goes in the clothes he is wearing and your ex should have pjs and clothes there (he deffo does- the ones from yours!!) but should if he has DS two nights a week have clothes for this

He should send/bring stuff back. If he pays maintenance then it's up to you to provide clothes for your ds when he's there though.

To pp - Why would the ex provide ds with a totally separate set of clothes? There's something psychologically confusing there for ds in having dff clothes at diff parents.

Although, he should be sending all of them home

floral no its not. Maintenance is to contribute toward the time the child spends with the RP. The NRP is meant to provide for them when they are there. This kind of stuff can sound petty but it's infuriating to be on the end of it. After a few months of visits I also insisted my ex get his own set of pj's, clothes, bath stuff, toothbrushes etc.

And it's not confusing. Mine cope fine. Now they are a little older (tweens) they sometimes request a particular outfit but that's fine as they are mostly OK about packing it to come back and ex doesn't deliberately keep things but if he did then no way would I be still sending stuff every week.

@floraloctopus no it’s not 🙈🙈 the maintenance is for when DS is at her house not his. He still has a responsibility!!

No kid should have to tramp between homes with a suitcase. Kids come back in the clothes they go in. Everything else is the Dads responsibility.

Don’t send you child with clothes. There’s obviously already enough stuff there. I have never sent clothes with my child unless there’s something specific needed. 10 years and she has a sort of fluid collection that goes between both houses - sometimes I do a gather and send a bunch of clothes that belong at her other house, and I get the same in return. This does not have to be a battle, save your strength for when it really matters.

@Angrybird123 I agree it’s not. My DSS is at ours four nights her three. He goes on a Sunday night so wears clothes from ours then... but brings them back when he comes back. He is with us every weekend so we’ve bought him decent clothes he wants as he is out with mates etc (16). He’s got a totally diff set of clothes at hers that don’t ever come here. He just wears them in the evening and doesn’t go out with his mates there.

My DD no longer sends clothes for this reason. She used to but some things never came back same as you. He now goes in what he is wearing and sometimes that is school uniform.

He sometimes comes back in something different, sometimes not but his dad had to go out and buy his own stuff.

DS has clothes at both houses, we're not hardline about him coming home in the clothes he went in but he'll go in an outfit and come back in an outfit. He has toothbrush and toiletries at his dads too, he just carries favourite toys in his bag. Occasionally I'll end up short of school trousers or ex will be short of tops and we do a swap.

If he pays maintenance then it's up to you to provide clothes for your ds when he's there though.

No it's not. Paying maintenance doesn't absolve the NRP from providing anything outwith maintenance and that's a ridiculous stance.

OP I had to stop sending extra clothing with DS1 as it wasn't coming back. After a holiday where an entire week's worth of brand new clothes disappeared I put my foot down and said the bare minimum he should provide is one outfit, pyjamas and a toothbrush at his house (he pays no maintenance, never has incidentally although that's irrelevant to my point)

Parents need to provide basics whether they're the RP or the NRP. This ridiculous concept that maintenance means you can check out of any other responsibilities makes me want to laugh and cry in equal measure.

He provides clothes or visits stop being overnights. It's that simple.

Is it a control thing by your ex, being awkward, making you have to buy new clothes? We used to have this with my DSS, send him back to his mum's in clothes we bought and never see them again, apart from at pick up when his sibling (not same dad) would be wearing them! We got around thus by buying cheap jogging bottoms and tops from Primark and sending him back in these, funnily enough he would be returned in these, same with school uniform, we bought them and they wouldn't be returned, we were constantly buying more, so we would change him before drop off

Stop sending clothes. Problem solved.

@floraloctopus no it’s not 🙈🙈 the maintenance is for when DS is at her house not his. He still has a responsibility!!

Yes, he has responsibility. A child having clothes is part of the maintenance payments and how is a child going to feel if he can't take his own clothes when he goes to see his other parent? I always provided clothes for mine when they went to see their other parent.

And so did I until he started dicking about and not sending them back, like the OP. But you're still missing the point. Each parent pays for clothes when the child is with them. If the child is with one parent significantly more, then the NRP contributes towards the costs of that. As a pp said, maintenance is reduced to take account of the nights the child is with the NRP which indicates that they are expected to pay for stuff then.

As Angrybird says, I used to send clothes too, until it became a financial burden to continually replace them when they weren't returned.

Yeah, I don't mind sending him with stuff, it'd be a fine arrangement to send him with the stuff he needs for when he stays, it doesn't bother me if I'm the one who buys the clothes.
What bothers me is having to spend so much more money on clothes a month than necessary because every time I get to his washing basket, he's got about enough to send him to nursery in an outfit with a spare one in his bag so long as I'm doing washing every day too!