Ex doesn't send DS back with his stuff!

[mosa9]

DS has been staying there about 2 nights a week.
I haven't checked when he's been sent back with his clothes until we're home and I haven't remembered what I've sent out (but I usually send him with 2 clean outfits & pyjamas).

I've had to buy 2-3 outfits and socks in the past few weeks because we keep running low.
DM bought him a couple of pairs of pants too over the weekend.
Got up this morning to do washing expecting to at least have 3/4 of his stuff in his basket and I have about 3 outfits in total in there, missing a new pair of pyjamas and most of his pairs of socks.

AIBU to be really angry about this this morning?? I don't buy stuff for him to stash out there.
I got a few outfits back at one point by not sending him out there with anything (there was a fuss every time he wasn't sent with anything) but I'd explained that I wasn't getting enough stuff back to do that and that I wanted his clothes back!
The couple of occasions I have checked the bag before we left and asked why it's empty, I'm told the stuff is already in the washing machine.

This is a thing and always has been. I divorced in 1990 and XH behaved exactly like this. DS's clothes were never returned, including school uniform, and he always came back in a collection of clearly second hand, ill-fitting stuff. I had to buy new clothes every week and the uniform nonsense was horrendous. In essence, DS finished school at lunchtime on a Friday and XH would get his DW2 to take him to her parents house for the afternoon. He would return to me on Sunday teatime without uniform or any of his other clothes, meaning he had to go to school on Monday in plain clothes. Eventually I had to go to school myself on Friday lunchtime, get him changed and take his uniform home with me. Imagine how inconvenient that was. I had to go back to court over it.
These are mind games that men learn from each other.

This is much more common than you would think. My dd’s Father did it when she was tiny. Best way to deal with it is not to engage - it’s about control and pissing you off. Just send your son in the clothes he’s wearing and nothing else. Suck it up and look at the bigger picture. Your ex will get bored of this soon enough, but all the time you fuss about it he will keep doing it because it’s about you.

Oh - and look forward to him starting school when your ex will try keeping all the school uniform to piss you off. Fortunately by that age your son will be old enough to start looking after his own things.

I never get how anyone can be so stupid as to suggest if someone pays maintenence they don't have to contribute anything else. If you have no idea how it works why comment?

My DD goes to her Dads either 3 weekends or 2 a month. He has clothes for her there but she sometimes brings stuff she really likes between houses. I’ll end up with some of his stuff and he has some of mine, we both eventually get it back but sometimes he doesn’t have time to wash it and it will come back next time. I think it might be an idea to suggest he gets a few basic bits at his? Or suggest that as he has a lot of the stuff you’ve bought he can use those?

My brother has his son on alternate weekends. He arrives in just the clothes he's wearing. Nothing else. It's my brother's responsibility to clothe his son while their together, that's parenting. Should the resident parent be sending packed lunches too? Toothpaste? Favourite snacks? Just stop OP pls

I guess I was lucky with my ex then. If an ex isn't a dick then it's reasonable for the RP to provide clothes.

This has always been an issue. Ex used to dress kids in clothes that they'd grown out of and hand me downs. It was embarrassing for them at school. Now he's moved to another country and sees them once a month and expects a bag packed for them. It's really stressful getting it ready and I begrudge being given a bag of dirty clothes to wash after. He says otherwise it will cost him more on the flight to bring a bag of clothes for them.

Clothes at the non RP's home are still the child's clothes though. It is not like they are rooting through a lost property box.

go buy a couple of really cheap plain outfits, like really cheap, and send him in those and dont send anything else, not one more item of clothing, not even a bag

flora if he was paying way over CMS then maybe but surely any decent parent would want to have some input occasionally, see a t shirt or whatever and want to buy it. It's also important, I think, for the kids to feel that the NRPs house is their home by having their own stuff there.

It's bloody irritating when parents behave like this op. When my eldest two were small my exh did it and I stopped sending a bag of clothes over with them. I also started keeping a pack of underwear , socks, t shirts, leggings etc in the cupboard for those "mum , all of my socks are at dad's" moments. I shouldn't have needed to , but what can you do? Asda and Primark are nice and cheap for that.

Now that the eldest is technically an adult and the other is a teen they look after their own clothes well , as they don't want to be without their favourite hoodie or their jeans for a week. The sock and underwear thing still happens though and I've not got the energy to feel cross about it anymore.

I stopped sending clothes when this was happening when DS1 was young. It particularly annoyed me when I'd then spot DS's slightly younger step brother wearing DS's clothes

I then started sending him with his own stuff when he was a) able to be responsible to bring it back b) unhappy being made to wear the stuff his dad bought him

how is a child going to feel if he can't take his own clothes when he goes to see his other parent?

But he will have his own clothes. The clothes his Dad bought him and that are at his Dad's house...

My ex was doing this. I found that I was funding all clothing that my DC wore. Theres nothing more frustrating than trying to put an outfit together like a football kit when the shorts/socks aren't there.

Its caused lots of issues with my ex. I gathered a selection of clothing and said that they could stay at the ex's house. This has helped but my DC are now wearing clothes too small for them when they are at their DF's house.

My advice would be to just not send clothes and see what he does. Clothing when your DC are with their DF is not your responsibility.

Is this going be one of these threads that goes like this :

100 posters “ stop sending clothes “

OP “ but I don’t mind , I just want to find a way to force ex to send them back clean and ironed “

100 more posters “ there isn’t a way, stop sending clothes “

Op “ but I have to because of reasons”

100 more posters “ no you don’t, just stop sending clothes “

Until we all die of boredom and the OP flounces because everyone is so mean and unhelpful and all mums should help each other and be nice etc etc etc

Of course you should send him with clothes. Just have a quick rummage through the bag at handover and ask your ex where the rest of his clothes are? You cant force him to send them back clean and pressed but its reasonable to expect him to return with all he left with. If you never take this up with your ex then it wont change.

It sounds like you've already provided a stock of clothes for him to use at his dad's house so you can now stop sending them. He can come and go with just whatever he's wearing at the time.

I get it's not as easy as that though! One thing I did when he lived near here too was had a rucksack, that went between houses, when they got to mine, when they got changed for bed, they put their dirty clothes from their dads in the bag, any other random cr*p from his went in there too. Same in reverse from his, this helped. Annoying as it is, you will probably need to remind him to buy more pants, socks etc or just ask for half when you get some. The other thing I'd do is anything too small/ with holes that came to mine, I'd say X is too small, shall I chuck it/ put in the charity bag? And remind him he needs to replace it. Annoying as it's as if you're still in the shitty relationship. The other alternative I've considered is just to be really useless!? I'm wondering if that would piss him off enough into putting the effort in.

Also, phone child maintenance, they will confirm that you should definitely not be sending clothes, it is his responsibility to provide them when he's with him. CM is for buying clothes for when he's with you. I guess if he keeps anything you've bought, it's technically theft!

@blackcat86 the op has already said she tried this and ex claimed they were in the washing machine. Rtft

That's the point though, tell him not to wash them and you give his stuff back dirty for him to wash.

Then dirty clothes should be coming back in a carrier bag. It sounds like he's just making excuses but the issue needs to be pressed or it wont change.

I expect my XH to provide fully for our children when they are in his care. It is meant to be their home too. The only thing we share is sports kits. I also expect that to be clean on its return... likewise as l would send it clean.

I certainly will not partake in any wifework of packing, unpacking and washing of clothing just to make it easier on XH.

My children are old enough though to say what they will or won't wear and their Dad cares enough about them to do what's best for them.

Don’t get me started on this subject. My ex tried to pull the ‘I pay maintenance so you have to buy all the clothes’ until I pointed out that he earned 3x more than me and we had DS 50% of the time each. Both of us had mortgages. Even DW2 tried the ‘DS doesn’t have a dressing gown and slippers at this home’.

It used to annoy me that very often I ended up with no school uniform by the school hols, because he would go home last day of term to their home, and when new term was due to start he would be back at mine in ordinary clothes. I had to ask every time for some to be sent over. It was really annoying when their puppy trashed a brand new fleece top, tore it in three places. I wouldn’t have sent him in new clothes, but I had been criticised for sending him in ’old clothes’ and this occasion was when they were having a visitor. No offer to replace was ever made.

It’s a sad fact that divorced parents have to spend far more on buying more clothes and shoes than they would if they were together.