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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how can I leave with the baby?

45 replies

PartridgeJoan · 27/05/2019 02:23

DP has an issue with drinking too much sometimes and it's been bugging me for a while. We have a 3 month old baby and he is usually fine with her. Tonight he's come home absolutely steaming drunk and has come upstairs where myself and the baby are sleeping (we agreed he'd sleep downstairs because he snores a lot when drunk). He starts thrashing around in bed whilst I'm feeding the baby and knocks her on the head several times despite me warning him that I'm feeding her. When I tell him off he starts shouting and calling me by his ex's name.

We're in the middle of a sleep regression so I can't just put the baby in her cot, so we're stuck in the rest of house for the remainder of the evening.

I'm furious and I've had enough. I've been thinking about leaving for a while but DP works in social services and I just know he'll find a way to make me look terrible and make him look great. What can I do? Where can I go? I don't have a car, I can't carry everything to the nearest hotel...

OP posts:
GrandTheftWalrus · 27/05/2019 02:27

Do you have family you can go to in the morning?

Original poster
PartridgeJoan · 27/05/2019 02:29

Yes but it will create all sorts of drama, plus none of them have suitable accommodation (although of course if I'm desperate I'll go there).

My family live in a different county. I can see this turning into a 'she took my baby away from me' narrative

OP posts:
WitchesGlove · 27/05/2019 02:38

Can you get an Uber to a hotel?

Original poster
PartridgeJoan · 27/05/2019 02:45

Possibly... will they have a cot? Can he accuse me of 'stealing' her? I can just see this being used against me in the future. She's not sleeping atm anyway so we're sat down in another room. I don't know how to talk to him about his behaviour... he won't remember any of this in the morning

OP posts:
Original poster
PartridgeJoan · 27/05/2019 02:46

My concern is more for the future. How do I leave him? I can't afford a place on my own

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 27/05/2019 02:52

You need a trail of proof. Personally, I'd consider asking him to leave in the morning. Is he likely to be aggressive? He's unlikely to get custody of such a young baby anyway though OP.

HennyPennyHorror · 27/05/2019 02:53

What else has he done to make you consider leaving? If it's abusive a refuge would help. Women's Aid are a mine of information.

Graphista · 27/05/2019 03:15

Can you safely video/audio record his current behaviour?

I'd be getting as much proof as possible of what an unsafe dick he's being!

Then leave and not look back. What an utter knob!!

Trebla · 27/05/2019 03:46

Use your phone. Film him. First use it to confront him about his drunken behaviour. Of that doesnt change things you have proof he is unsuitable.

Leaving is more emotional than practical sometimes. You cannot you want to. You just need to be able to believe the life you are moving to is better than the one you've got.

soarin · 27/05/2019 03:47

I'd record your conversation tomorrow asking what the hell he was doing, then any more prof you can get (text msgs etc) what are your other triggers? You can take your baby, you are doing the one doing the safeguarding not him! He won't get a chance

Trebla · 27/05/2019 03:48

Can if you want to

CurrentlyAWreck · 27/05/2019 03:49

You'd be better off in a woman's refuge. Google your nearest one, but I don't know if their advertised online and get a taxi. Or call the police 101 to get advice, at least it'll be recorded officially if things do get nasty. Also video him.

CurrentlyAWreck · 27/05/2019 03:49

Get a nanny cam

Original poster
PartridgeJoan · 27/05/2019 03:52

@Graphista I should have recorded it but I didn't think to. I recorded him once before and he said it was 'emotionally abusive' to record him. He's really good at twisting a situation.

Tbh the drinking has been a problem since I became pregnant. Even his sister agrees with mr and has tried to talk to him but he thinks we're exaggerating.

He isn't physically abusive. Just verbally but it's really ramped up since we had a baby. He has shouted and swore at me whilst I've been feeding a few times, when she wasn't even a week old.

I don't think he'd intentionally do anything to hurt her, but he gets so drunk he doesn't realise what he's doing. Tonight he came to bed with an open water bottle which was hovering over the plug socket nearest the cot. Once I came downstairs to see he'd fallen asleep holding her in a really risky position.

He's just woken up and as expected has no memory of what's just happened and is accusing me of lying.

OP posts:
agnurse · 27/05/2019 03:55

I'd check with a solicitor. Leaving a problem spouse can be complicated when there are children involved. A solicitor can advise you of next steps and how to file for custody if necessary.

HennyPennyHorror · 27/05/2019 03:55

Verbal abuse is enough. Start attempting to record it OR if he does it again soon, call the police and have him removed for threatening and intimidating behaviour.

Once he's been taken by the police it will be very difficult for him to get his feet under the table again.

You DON'T have to live with it just because it's only words.

Original poster
PartridgeJoan · 27/05/2019 04:02

Thanks everyone. This is really helpful. My friend has two spare bedrooms and has offered to help. He has sobered up slightly but doesn't believe anything about what's happened. When I mentioned he'd accidentally knocked her on the head he said 'I can't believe you would say that. So I punched her in the face did I?'

I'm starting to realise how manipulative he is now

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 27/05/2019 04:05

Ok....don't tell him you're leaving until you have everything there. Get someone you trust to help. Do it whilst he's at work.

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 27/05/2019 04:18

Sorry to say that I don't think you should leave yet - definitely film him and get some evidence first. Also I don't think you'll be able to take the baby abroad without his permission so you might need to start making plans to find somewhere else you could stay in the UK.

A friend of mine had a Turkish ex wife who took the baby and left. She wanted to go to Turkey but it was a big drama through courts as taking a baby abroad away from a parent is a much bigger deal. Eventually she was allowed to take him due to her claims of her husband's excessive drinking. This wasn't even true , and she had no evidence, but it was what swung the case in her favour. So if you can get video evidence - more than one video would be good as he could argue it was just a one-off, and maybe some texts if possible too, whatever you can, then I think you'll have a strong case that he can't deny just because of his job.

HennyPennyHorror · 27/05/2019 05:35

What that's just bad advice I'm afraid. OP should not stay in a risky situation out of fear. That's what abusers rely on. She also has not said she wants to go abroad...just that her family live abroad.

Flyingkites123 · 27/05/2019 05:45

Could you get to the citezens advice bureau ASAP? They could give you free legal advice.

It's a really scary time for you and you're going to have to be really brave at a time you're exhausted anyway from having a new born. Try to take one day at a time. It won't be easy but you can do it.

Think about the type of behaviour you want your child to grow up thinking is normal... Its not that.

Good luck!!

TORDEVAN · 27/05/2019 05:55

Op said different county not different country 🤔

I would get some free advice from a solicitor / woman's aid etc. But I don't see how they will say to stay, put your baby in danger and get abused some more and film it

Wallywobbles · 27/05/2019 06:10

Stop expecting it to get better and start getting evidence every which way you can. Personally I'd ask for professional help. Go to a really switched on lawyer. Ask the police what you can do too. Personally I'd ask the police to remove him when drunk as then there'd be concrete documented proof. But the younger your child is the better this is going to work.

megrichardson · 27/05/2019 06:31

You need to stop thinking that he is ever going to agree with you or that you will be able to get him to see what he is. You need to start thinking for yourself and the baby and you need to develop a 'don't give a stuff' attitude to whatever your DH says or thinks. Do you really care about the nasty things he's going to say about you? He is an abuser.

BertieBotts · 27/05/2019 06:43

Video "evidence" isn't going to make any difference. A three month old is incredibly vulnerable, getting her out of there ASAP is going to be the best option. I would definitely recommend contacting women's aid.

OP said family live in another county, not country. There is nothing to stop you moving to another county for the reason of a relationship breakdown and getting the support of your family. In theory he could get a protected steps order but as you're not moving away to be spiteful, and baby is too little to have friends, school, etc. it's incredibly unlikely it would go through.

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