Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To ask how can I leave with the baby?

45 replies

PartridgeJoan · 27/05/2019 02:23

DP has an issue with drinking too much sometimes and it's been bugging me for a while. We have a 3 month old baby and he is usually fine with her. Tonight he's come home absolutely steaming drunk and has come upstairs where myself and the baby are sleeping (we agreed he'd sleep downstairs because he snores a lot when drunk). He starts thrashing around in bed whilst I'm feeding the baby and knocks her on the head several times despite me warning him that I'm feeding her. When I tell him off he starts shouting and calling me by his ex's name.

We're in the middle of a sleep regression so I can't just put the baby in her cot, so we're stuck in the rest of house for the remainder of the evening.

I'm furious and I've had enough. I've been thinking about leaving for a while but DP works in social services and I just know he'll find a way to make me look terrible and make him look great. What can I do? Where can I go? I don't have a car, I can't carry everything to the nearest hotel...

OP posts:

HappyPunky · 27/05/2019 06:44

If he's hitting her on the head multiple times when you're holding her it's concerning. He's deliberately bumping into you. Being drunk isnt an excuse.

Abusive men are known to get worse during pregnancy and after the baby is born because they know you're trapped.

CheesecakeAddict · 27/05/2019 06:59

Do not stay around waiting for him to do it again and putting your baby at risk, just so you can get video evidence. You do not need video evidence. Verbal abuse is enough. Ring the domestic violence helpline and they will be able to tell you if you have a DV hub in your area. One of these came with me to housing and got me emergency accommodation when leaving my dh and no evidence was needed. Refuges are an alternative but bare in mind that if you work, they cost a fortune and many require you to give up work (which could effect your maternity pay if you get enhanced pay).

DippyAvocado · 27/05/2019 07:07

He got into the bed drunk with the baby in there?? Co-sleeping is an absolute no-no if anyone else in the bed has been drinking or taking drugs. It is completely unsafe and if it happens again you must out the baby in the cot.

If he refuses to accept he has a drinking problem but then puts your baby in danger, I think you have to leave. Women's Aid is a good starting point.

MinnieMountain · 27/05/2019 07:12

Ask in Legal OP. There are some very knowledgeable people over there.

oneforthepain · 27/05/2019 07:29

Psychological abuse is a crime - the manipulation, coercion, intimidation, "accidental" physical stuff. It's coercive control.

Women's Aid are there for you too: 0808 2000 247

Don't tell him, just leave when he's not home. It's safer.

And once you've sorted that get yourself onto the Freedom Programme so you can get your head around what he's been doing and how to protect yourself and baby in the future: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk (it's information, not therapy, and totally confidential - they don't even keep attendance registers if you go to a group.)

HennyPennyHorror · 27/05/2019 07:52

All this "ask a solicitor" advice is very well but right now OP just needs to leave. She has a 3 month old baby and she's the Mother. No court would remove the baby from her at this point.

Get out, seek legal advice immediately about the possibility of coercive control being a possibility here and also abusive language and threatening behaviour in addition of course to his neglect of the baby's safety...which is endangerment.

maddening · 27/05/2019 08:16

Video him

Sushi123 · 27/05/2019 08:22

Time for you and baby to leave...get out and stay out. Good luck x

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/05/2019 08:26

Please get out, as quickly as you can. I echo PPs suggestion of a women’s refuge.

VampirateQueen · 27/05/2019 08:27

Record him. Have phone at the side of you and start filming, don't let him see the camera, just get his voice recorded. The fact you told him he accidentally hit your baby on the head and he has turned it into he punched her in the face, scares me tbh. He is not going to get better, he is only going to get worse. You need to leave, but while you are sorting out, where and when you are able to go, record every interaction.

GruciusMalfoy · 27/05/2019 08:37

I didn't think hidden recordings could be used as evidence in this sort of scenario. But I agree totally with the previous poster who said to post this in the Legal board for more advice.

Your priority just now is keeping your baby and yourself safe. Contact women's aid, because he is verbally and emotionally abusive. Take your friend's help, and stay with her if you can't get to a shelter. It sounds like his sister is aware of his drinking, so it shouldn't cone as a surprise to the rest of his family that you cannot and should not stay with him. Be careful OP, I wouldn't let him know I was leaving until I was already in a safe place.

NoAngel1 · 27/05/2019 08:43

Follow your instinct which was to leave. Make a note of last night’s incident and any other specific ones you can. Take our friend up on her offer of a room and see if she can pick you both up. Good luck x

kateandme · 27/05/2019 09:46

i know this sounds stupid because you would have done it this way if you could...but if you have been thinking of leaving for a while is there no way you could just tell him you want to split.im just trying to think of ways to lessen his reactions to it

Original poster

PartridgeJoan · 27/05/2019 13:07

Thank you everyone for your advice and support, it's really helped.

At 4am he went downstairs and fell asleep so I was able to get back into bed with DD and we both got a few hours sleep which was great. He'd sobered up a little at that point.

I've spoken to him this morning about the drinking but he isn't really taking any of it seriously. He even said that I am worse than him because I've been 'rude' to him during arguments whilst sober. Not sure how he worked that one out!

He won't drink heavily again until next weekend so I've got a little time to make some preparations. I won't say much on here just in case he finds this thread, but I've made sure we have somewhere to go and am going to get a travel cot delivered there too.

I should have left him before the baby was born but I just felt really trapped, and I think he knew that. Even without the vile behaviour I'm sick of spending nearly every weekend dealing with him being drunk or hungover. It's just frustrating that I didn't see how bad it was until I was already pregnant.

Thank you again xx

OP posts:

10percentbatteryremaining · 27/05/2019 13:37

Just out of curiosity op does he drink drive?

LakieLady · 27/05/2019 13:49

I'd be telling him that I wouldn't let him in the house pissed because of the risk to the baby, and putting the latch down when he was out on the lash, so that he couldn't get back in.

Original poster

PartridgeJoan · 27/05/2019 15:28

@10percentbatteryremaining no he can't drive at all!

OP posts:

ForeverBubblegum · 27/05/2019 16:12

If you can talk to any 'official' outside bodies (eg. Midwives, health visitors, gp, womens aid, police if he's verbally threatening) about your concerns and plans to leave. That way if it gets down to he said / she said, then you have a record to back you up.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 16:56

Yes, talk to all agencies that you can think of about your concerns.

Don't be afraid to let them know that you feel that he is begining to use his work position/connections to subtly threaten you.

And definitely just go, right now, while your baby is so little that there is no question of him having any separate contact.

Cathmidston · 27/05/2019 17:19

I second what everyone is saying regarding compiling evidence together before you do anything.
Record him, but don’t let him know you’re doing it and start keeping a comprehensive diary.
In the meantime, start putting measures in place so you’re able to leave him safely and have somewhere to go.
I think you’re right to be concerned regarding his role in social services and the fact that he clearly likes to gaslight you. That would really worry me to, which is why you need to be armed and prepared.
Hugs to you. I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s awful xxx

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.