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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for tales of shitty siblings

31 replies

tabardtherapist · 26/05/2019 23:53

..so I can fell less alone in my disappointment with mine?

I live in North America and have one brother, who lives about 2 hours drive from my parents (in England.) My Mother's sister, who she was extremely close to, died of cancer 2 weeks ago. My dad has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness similar to the cancer that killed my aunt. My mother is a mess, unsurprisingly.

I'm flying over next week to spend a few days (literally, 4) in the UK with Mum and Dad. Brother contacts me - he knows I'm coming, would love to get together, and he thinks we need to have "a talk" about our parents. Terrific, is my response, let's figure it out. Due to his work schedule (which I would not have expected him to alter, of course) his only available time is a weekend afternoon/evening. We arranged to meet halfway (an hour drive for each of us) at 4. Just heard from him - he's forgotten about a christening on his wife's side that he has to go to and he won't be able to meet at 4 as planned. I said that wasn't a problem and could we meet at 6 instead?

His response? No, he can't drive over and meet up after the christening because he'll be having a drink. I asked if he could maybe not have a drink just this once, it's a christening not a stag night - radio silence. Thanks, brother 🙄

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 26/05/2019 23:58

It doesn’t sound awful tbf. It’s not like you can’t call him at another time to discuss your parents. He can’t rearrange the christening, but he can rearrange his chat with you. It’s doesn't really matter if you don’t have your chat on that day.

FurrySlipperBoots · 27/05/2019 00:01

Maybe he's deliberately avoiding discussing things with you because it's painful for him?

Original poster

tabardtherapist · 27/05/2019 00:02

I'm not asking him to rearrange the christening; but when we live far apart and this is our one chance to talk face to face about some family stuff - it's shitty of him to consider it less important than having a couple of drinks.

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/05/2019 00:06

It’s a christening, a celebration. You want him to leave it early to discuss the fact his father is dying. Honestly, the christening day is not the day for it. You can skype or FaceTime.

Peakypolly · 27/05/2019 00:10

Possibly DB feels, as the UK based child, he already does more of the day to day duties with your older family members, and is therefore disinclined to drop everything to suit your timetable.
I see this with my Australia-based niece, issuing instructions to her European-based sister. I could be wrong, so apologies if I am, but in my family’s case, our Aussie member expects us all to fit around her bi-annual visits.

Rtmhwales · 27/05/2019 00:13

Such weird responses.

I lived abroad in the UK and my brother and mother in Canada - I'd make occasional trips home every couple years and my brother would change everything to see me even if it was once meeting me at the airport for forty five minutes during a layover.

Even if not to discuss the parent situation it is a bit shit he doesn't want to see his sibling face to face.

Chocolate35 · 27/05/2019 00:19

That’s not that bad! My sister has spent my entire life putting me down, to me and anyone that would listen. I’ve been told countless times it’s jealousy but that’s just not a good enough excuse in our forties. THAT is a terrible sibling!
Speak to your brother on the phone and make arrangements, let him enjoy a night off from worrying.

Original poster

tabardtherapist · 27/05/2019 00:29

Thanks for your responses. Again - I'm not asking him to skip or leave the christening early. Simply not to have more than one drink...and no, I laugh bitterly at the suggestion that he may feel aggrieved that he is doing the bulk of the "caring", as it were. Quite the opposite, unfortunately. My brother will be sleeping off his boozy afternoon. If we don't meet at 6 - there are no other obligations, family or otherwise. This is simply a choice of "Shall I see tabard or have a few drinks? Beer it is."

OP posts:

disneydreaming · 27/05/2019 00:51

My sister told me when I was pregnant and again after my DS was born that she wished I had miscarried instead of her. (We fell pregnant within weeks of each other) This is just one of many hurtful comments she has made over the years until I went no contact.

I can understand why you feel upset with your brother but he likely is not intentionally upsetting you and you could discuss these things over the phone although I know it's not ideal.
If you generally get on well and are close I would let this slide although you are right to feel a bit let down he's not made the effort to catch up when you live so far apart.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 27/05/2019 01:14

Sorry to derail the thread, but, um, have you noticed that your username can be read in two ways tabard ?
It took me several double takes to get "therapist" instead of "the rapist"
I shall sidle out now...

Original poster

tabardtherapist · 27/05/2019 01:48

PomBear 😲😲😲

It's actually an Archers reference - one of the characters referred to herself as "a therapist in a tabard". I'll never listen to Susan Carter in the same way again!

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 27/05/2019 02:02

sorry, but all I could see was the rapist
I have never listened to the Archers though...

Pinkarsedfly · 27/05/2019 02:29

Yeah, I’d maybe change the username.

I agree with you regarding your brother though. Sounds like a selfish git.

HerRoyalNotness · 27/05/2019 03:13

I’ve live abroad for some 20 odd years and not once have any of my 5 siblings ever visited me. They describe me as the lost sister, yoohoo, here I am, still alive

Fluffymullet · 27/05/2019 05:22

My brother told me bad things only happen when I'm around e.g parent being diagnosed with terminal illness/ another ending up in hospital.due to serious illness. He can't seem to see that I'm there with them BECAUSE there are signs something is not right e.g they are complaining of certain symptoms, or not making themselves dinner. It's just easier to blame me than deal with the adult stuff.....

b0bb1n · 27/05/2019 05:30

My sister and I had been best friends all our lives. I've been there for her any time she needed me. When each of her kids were born I was there to help with anything whenever she asked. I had an amazing relationship with the kids due to being in their lives so much. I used to sacrifice my only day off every 9 days to spend the day with my sister because she wanted me there, is one example of how much I cared for and did for her to help her out, as her husband works very long hours and she'd want some company aside from her babies.

Last year I slept with my now husband before we got married. When my sister found out she cut contact with me. That was April 1st 2018 and I'm still cut off from her and my nieces and nephew. (Meanwhile have had my own first baby and could really have done with her company and support as I suffered severe PND, ironic really considering all my help and company with her kids over the years. She's never even met my son or husband).

AmeriAnn · 27/05/2019 05:35

b0bb1n That's so horribly judgmental of her. Shocking in fact. I also have a horrible sister.

CielBleuEtNuages · 27/05/2019 05:41

I have many tales of being let down by my brother. We were very close growing up but it all changed once he left home.

It came to a head last time I visited the UK and I've just given up now and won't make any effort. It's a shame for our DC but I'm fed up of doing all the running.

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 27/05/2019 06:00

I'd probably have a drink at a social event if that was the plan/environment. I'd just ask to meet later. I don't think this is bad.

Skittlesandbeer · 27/05/2019 06:01

My brother has always been a bit strange, probably undiagnosed depression (which he would never admit- he’s perfect and the world is just ‘stupid and out to get him’). Outwardly, he is civil towards me, but emotionally keeps his distance. Doesn’t like that I’m close with his wife, and their new baby son. Basically we don’t argue, and see each other about once a month at family gatherings. All good.

We are trying to settle an inheritance matter between us. He came around to my place and tried to trick me into signing away my rights by tucking a document into a pile of others he needed my signature on. A question of around $200k. He wasn’t even embarrassed when I questioned the document. Said I didn’t need the money, and anyway wasn’t entitled to it due to ‘complicated legal reasons (I) wouldn’t understand’.

I admit I burst out laughing. I make my living reading legal documents, and am known for having a pretty sharp brain. The sheer cheek of him.

Him: ‘So you’re not going to sign it then?’
Me: ‘No sunshine, I’m not. But I think you’re right about this project having ‘legal complications’. I’d better find my own solicitor and we’ll let the two of them sort it.’

Has cost him far more in fees now, and I’ve pressed for ‘by the letter’ figures instead of his ‘rounding down’ figures. It’s probably cost him an extra $50,000 and all my goodwill. Plus he’s in big trouble with the family.

It’s really startling how low his respect is for me. I’ve never been anything but fair and friendly- clearly he reads this as me being a mug!

MRex · 27/05/2019 06:31

I have two siblings; one is wonderful and the other is a horror who used to be physically abusive and is now just emotionally abusive... Different sibling thread it seems.

twoheaped · 27/05/2019 06:36

My sister went to the police in Greece and told them I'd stolen her passport
That was a fun holiday!

Sparklywolf · 27/05/2019 07:26

When I first started suspecting my Father had Alzheimer's, my sister accused me of exaggerating in order to big up my caring role and make sure I was always the centre of drama.

Tbf she changed her tune after I made her look after him for a week while I had a break, and now she is very supportive. But for a while I felt totally alone and started thinking I was going crazy/being self-centred, fighting against my family as well as the system was an extra layer of stress and heartbreak.

ANewDawn10 · 27/05/2019 07:51

But why cant you discuss this over the phone or on video call.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 27/05/2019 08:02

I fell pregnant with first DC and was very excited - it was early days so I texted my sister (7 years younger, so early 20s) a picture of the positive test with a message like "Eeeek!". No answer.

I texted again that evening saying "Just to confirm, that test was for me :D" and got a rapid reply of "Well obviously - I didn't assume you'd be sending me anyone else's". That was the whole message. She was the first person I'd told so it did make me feel a bit shit tbh

On the flipside she and her DH have just spent the weekend with us and were lovely and warm and I was sad to see them go, so things have improved!!

I'm sorry your brother sounds rather thoughtless, OP....

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