To ask for tales of shitty siblings

[tabardtherapist]

..so I can fell less alone in my disappointment with mine?

I live in North America and have one brother, who lives about 2 hours drive from my parents (in England.) My Mother's sister, who she was extremely close to, died of cancer 2 weeks ago. My dad has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness similar to the cancer that killed my aunt. My mother is a mess, unsurprisingly.

I'm flying over next week to spend a few days (literally, 4) in the UK with Mum and Dad. Brother contacts me - he knows I'm coming, would love to get together, and he thinks we need to have "a talk" about our parents. Terrific, is my response, let's figure it out. Due to his work schedule (which I would not have expected him to alter, of course) his only available time is a weekend afternoon/evening. We arranged to meet halfway (an hour drive for each of us) at 4. Just heard from him - he's forgotten about a christening on his wife's side that he has to go to and he won't be able to meet at 4 as planned. I said that wasn't a problem and could we meet at 6 instead?

His response? No, he can't drive over and meet up after the christening because he'll be having a drink. I asked if he could maybe not have a drink just this once, it's a christening not a stag night - radio silence. Thanks, brother 🙄

You live in north America and are coming over for just 4 days. How were you going to "figure it out?". What are your options? Are you going to come over to stay in the UK to care for your parents? In reality, sounds like your brother will be taking the bulk of the flak.

I bet there isn't even a christening.

Your comment if laughing bitterly that he's doing the bulk of the caring may be exactly why he's not prepared to have you swan in for 4 days and "sort it out".
You have absolutely no idea what he's doing and how much stress he's being put under because you are not here.

We were the local ones with my grandparents.
DM would drop in, do little errands, receive the phone call at 7am because they needed something etc. Were her siblings aware of this? Not at all, until my aunt stayed for a couple of nights (normally she stayed with the grandparents) and she was quite shocked at home much time and effort DM put in every day.
One of FM's siblings liked to have the attitude that he'd swoop in and organise everything and save the day. Never worked as he didn't see the standard day to day stress and issues so his ideas were rarely helpful.

When I was pregnant with dd1 my brother and his wife were going through ivf. One of thee rounds failed sadly about 3 months before she arrived.
They didn't acknowledge her birth at all and my Norbert didn't see her until she was 6 months old and then only as he was working in the town we lived in. I found it a bit hurtful but understood they were having a painful time of it.
A further round failed and I sent them some holiday vouchers we had been Intendjng to use (we were a bit brassic st the time and had been given them as a present) just to try and get them a break. They were not acknowledged but were used.
Eventually sister in law got pregnant as was I by then with dd2. Kids were born 8 weeks apart. Huge fuss made of their son of course-couldn't be happier for them.
They came to visit but only ever really focussed on dd2-it was still as if dd1 didn't really exist.
This was starting to annoy me a bit if I Continued to maintain our relationship - always me doing all the running.
I recently went through a marriage breakup. Traumatic time. I just haven't been able to maintain the relationship with my brother it the same degree. Just haven't had the energy. Not once has he called or messaged to see how I am.
He has complained to our Mum that I haven't been in touch as much-and she has laid in to me about it.
But I've come to the conclusion that it shouldn't all be one way. I've needed him and he hasn't been there at all.
It's bloody sad and I do miss him-but when I think about how our relationship has been over the last ten years or so he has been a bit shitty-and I don't need that in my life really.
I really wish I had a sibling I was close too though.
I do think your brother is being a bit awkward op. I wonder if he feels a bit Resentful of being the one doing all the work as he perceives it, rightly or wrongly?Could that be it?

But why cant you discuss this over the phone or on video call.

This! Arrange a time for a video call and talk to him before you fly over. Spend your 4 days with your mum and dad.

Norbert? No idea who that is? My brother that was meant to read....