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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going to festival with no form of contact

62 replies

sirmione16 · 26/05/2019 23:13

My dp went to a festival approx 3 hours away today, realised when he got there he didn't get signal inside. We have a 4 month old baby. He argues it's out of his control and I'm overreacting being upset. I argue that he should've found a place where he got signal, let me know the situation and perhaps an emergency contact number for the venue, and maybe check in once or twice throughout the day. I don't think this is unreasonable, and it upsets me he's just gone "oh well I can't get signal, never fucking mind I'll go get a drink" I haven't heard from him since he arrived at 11am, until he left at 10pm. Not an apology or anything. AIBU? Am I over reacting? How would you feel?

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 26/05/2019 23:37

So you're marrying in eight weeks? So you can't call it off?For heaven sakes he's behaving this way days before your wedding? Don't you feel a bit ALARMED at his behavior since the birth of your child? I'd say postpone the wedding he's got no incentive to change if you plan on marrying him still despite him acting like he's a swinging bachelor!

Mowly75 · 26/05/2019 23:44

Me again. Look, OP you obviously need to talk to him, spell it out, plain & simple. But also don’t lose heart. Our kid is 9 months now & my DH is getting better & more involved & supportive. Slowly. & we are in our 40s, really no excuse for twattery - but some men can be much more immature & take longer to adjust to the great responsibility of parenthood. It’s not as easy as the “just leave him” vibe some posters will inevitably suggest.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 27/05/2019 00:00

You are being unreasonable about the festival, that amount of ‘check in’ is not needed. From when my ds was 3 weeks old, dp would be driving in parts of wales with no signal, so I couldn’t get hold of him until he got back home (mobile phone coverage is now a lot better). But I think the real issue is the amount he goes out- 2 separate issues. As someone said- what’s his good points?

Original poster
sirmione16 · 27/05/2019 00:08

whats his good points?

I've typed and deleted my answer to this loads. Sorry. I feel like I immediately went in with my usual gushing about his sensitivity, thoughtfulness, reassuring nature, supportiveness, humour... but it's all slipped. I feel like I've lost all of that.

He's overly sensitive - he holds off telling me things as he suspects I'll be upset. He's not been as thoughtful recently. Certainly don't feel supported, and I can't remember the last time we just sat and had a laugh together like before.

I adore this man, and we've been through so much. I genuinely feel like I've a shell of him at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
sirmione16 · 27/05/2019 00:09

PS I'm sorry this thread has taken such a turn... from a menial topic of signal to a counselling session!! Blush but it's what I've needed I think. Thank you all for your responses, they're helping me get things straight in my mind

OP posts:
araiwa · 27/05/2019 01:33

Why is he working 66 hours a week?

Cutting down to a normal 40 hour week would give you far more time together than football

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 27/05/2019 06:12

About this, you're very much overreacting. There's no way in Hell I'd leave a concert venue to go and phone DH to tell him there's no signal and give him an emergency contact number for the venue (!!) And I'd not expect him to do that either.

The real issue and thing that's unacceptable is that he's been absent for five evenings. This isn't okay

InTheHeatofLisbon · 27/05/2019 06:25

I think your overreaction to the no signal issue is to do with his complete lack of commitment to your relationship and parenting.

Yes everyone needs a break sometimes, but when do you spend time together, as a couple and as a family? When do you get a break? When does he put you and the baby before football/social life?

I wouldn't marry in that situation, because it's not going to get any better until he realises he's being shitty.

Chippychipsforme · 27/05/2019 06:28

He needs to make some changes - you can't carry on the same after you have a baby. When are you getting time off?

thedancingbear · 27/05/2019 06:40

The real issue and thing that's unacceptable is that he's been absent for five evenings. This isn't okay

One night a month? That doesn't seem so bad.

And presumably he's going to football in the evenings once the baby is in bed. It's good that he's getting exercise - it's not like he is out on the lash a few nights a week and can't then function in the mornings.

stucknoue · 27/05/2019 06:43

Poor reception is common in festivals and it was only one day. But you need to talk about the rest of the time - one off events are different to multiple times a week

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 27/05/2019 07:13

Tell him to move out? As someone who has done it I’d say it’s a million times easier to raise one baby on your own day to day and have a partner pop round on your terms.
He’d also be more inclined to do things with the baby if he’s not seeing it all the time and give you a break. The boundaries of responsibility seem blurred in your house.

Hopeygoflightly · 27/05/2019 07:21

It’s not the festival that’s upsetting you ( if it is YABU) it’s the fact that he seems to be behaving like a man with no responsibilities. You need to sit him down and have a serious chat about work- life balance, how much free/hobby time you both have and how to make it fairer while having him play a bigger role.
I remember being on maternity with a 4 month old and it was hard work! Couldn’t wait for DW to get back most days so that I could even just get out to walk the dog on my own.

Purplelion · 27/05/2019 07:36

YABU about the festival. My OH went to a festival Saturday and I didn’t hear from him all day, he text me when he left and said there had been no signal all day.
I went out yesterday with the toddler and some friends and had the same issue! Got there at 9, left at 5 and sent him some pictures of the day (We are both staying away for BH weekend so won’t see each other until later today since Friday)
I’m sorry but as an adult, if there’s an emergency with your child you deal with it and let your partner know when you can

BarbaraofSevillle · 27/05/2019 08:15

You can't rely on signal at festivals, you're adding tens of thousands of extra people in an area that the infrastructure can't cope with. They sometimes put up extra repeaters, but not always.

However agree with others that it doesn't seem to have occurred to him that he's now responsible for a baby and it's probably uneven share of leisure time that's the issue. You need to start doing your own thing while he looks after the baby alone, at least a couple of times a week, unless he is already doing this?

LakieLady · 27/05/2019 08:28

As an old person, I wonder how you think we all managed in the days before mobiles? Anyone who had an outdoor job or a job that involved travelling was uncontactable all day, every day that they were at work. Unless you were in a hotel, you were uncontactable on holiday, too.

I think for just one day, YABU OP.

The not being around much in the week is a different matter. He needs to make some changes now he's a parent.

Eliza9919 · 27/05/2019 08:46

I think you are totally over reacting. You have got to learn to handle things on your own. Let him have his day.

Why? She's not single yet the baby has two parents.

Original poster
sirmione16 · 27/05/2019 09:07

@araiwa he's running a business which has a lack of managers at the moment

@thedancingbear no, the baby and I are having dinner/bath/playtime, stuff I feel he should be here for as a family too

He's home later today and we plan to have a good talk. I've told him on the way home to consider his life has changed and his priorities before we talk. Wish me luck. I'll update later x

OP posts:
Damntheman · 27/05/2019 09:30

I'm actually going to go against the grain and say that more effort should have been made to make contact at the festival and explain. It's all well and good saying "We coped before mobile phones" but that was a different time with different social expectations on contactability. I would have worried a LOT if I couldn't get hold of my DP all day, most people would. One message would have done the trick to explain there was no signal really.

And yes, I also support postponing the wedding until he shapes up. No, one night a month isn't that much - IF YOUR KIDS ARE OLDER THAN A YEAR! For god's sake, OP is a new mother! Her baby is barely out of the fourth trimester, he should not be leaving her to do it all alone. I don't understand why so many women are totally fine with making all the life changes post baby while their husbands change nothing. At least for a while he needs to quit his hobby until the baby is bigger or work calms down.

His priorities need a serious shift before he finds he suddenly has no bond at all with his child.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 27/05/2019 09:56

YABU about the festival.
YANBU to be pissed off at his change in attitude and behaviour and the fact that he barely spends any time with you and the baby. Even ignoring how bad that is for your relationship, you need a break too. He needs to be there. He can't just go off and do what he wants ,whenever he wants and put no effort in.

An honest chat is needed,don't hold back trying to spare his feelings or whatever. Ignore the wedding, if he doesn't change,it'll just be the same life with an extra piece of paper. He needs to understand where you are coming from and that the relationship is in danger if he doesn't step up. His reaction and future behaviour will tell you what you need to know.

ChristmasFluff · 27/05/2019 12:42

So OP is unreasonable because YET AGAIN she might as well be a single parent?

It's all on you, OP. He's not supporting you at all, and everyone going on about how to gently coax this timid woodland creature into stepping up as a parent..... Bloody hell. He's adult enough to impregnate you, he should be adult enough to pull his weight.

If he isn't pulling his weight, then he's a dead weight. Don't get married to a dead weight.

bridgetreilly · 27/05/2019 12:45

Start planning your own evenings out/days out when he'll be the one at home with the baby. That might make it clearer to him.

RevealTheLegend · 27/05/2019 12:52

Regarding the signal, a pp is correct in saying that it was unlikely to be a geographic issue with the signal, more that the network infrastructure was overwhelmed.

I used to live near a venue and we would lose our network when the hordes Descended. So he wouldn’t have been able to wander up the hill a bit and get a signal.

But the festival thing is a red herring. He is being a dick.

Waveysnail · 27/05/2019 12:56

Tbh I wouldnt have realised as wouldnt have been on the phone to him as he was only away for the day. But I'm guessing theirs deeper issues

Myshinynewname · 27/05/2019 13:12

YABU to expect him to do anything about the signal at a festival. You had agreed that he could go, you are totally capable of looking after the baby, even in an emergency and short of him coming home and missing the festival I’m not sure what he could have done about it.
However there is no way I would with DH doing football three nights a week on top of working those hours even now and my kids are at school. Maybe it’s not his fault that he has to work so many hours but it’s not yours either. Something has to give and it should be hobbies before family time.
Don’t despair - my dh needed stuff like this spelling out to him and is generally great now. When they are at work all day they really don’t appreciate just what it’s like being at home with a baby demanding things of you all.the.time. The lightbulb moment for my dh didn’t happen until I left him in sole charge for a long day just him and ds. He stopped thinking of mat leave as a holiday after that, realised it was more like a job with no breaks or holiday, and made time for me to be ‘off’ too.

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