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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a different engagement ring?

37 replies

aladyinlove · 26/05/2019 22:40

hi
I know the title sounds really bratty, but hopefully with context someone can tell me if I genuinely am being a bit of a vain bitch.

So for the past couple months me and my boyfriend have been talking about getting engaged, we're both 100% on this and no ring could change that! since talking about it I started looking at a couple rings I liked and then he asked me to send him the pictures, so looked for a few more. I'm very into opals though I know they're very delicate so I also sent some moonstone, labradorite and alexandrite ones I liked (mostly from etsy) they were largely the same two designs either a middle gem stone with two or four very small diamonds either side or a middle gemstone with four very small diamonds surrounding it (think like a compass), they were all in a price range of £200-400. I explained that I really didn't want a massive or dark middle stone or one where the stone is surrounded by a halo of diamonds (no offence if you have this it's just not what I want to wear).
Fast forward to today he tells me he's looked for what I wanted but couldn't find it as he doesn't want to buy from online stores and what I like isn't often sold in jewellers, he's instead found something he likes which he thinks I would like, its a sapphire. If I'm honest I was already a little disappointed as I would have loved a stone that had interesting colours like the ones I showed him not just one, I'm not a total brat though so I didn't say that. However I was also a little upset that I had done quite a bit of research into what I wanted and that seemed to be being disregarded, I know this is unreasonable as the reasons he gave are very sensible and I completely understand them, but also I had kind of had my heart set on the styles and gemstones I had been looking at, again a bit silly and bratty.
I still told him how I felt though and explained that I knew it wasn't fair for me to feel like that, he explained again why he couldn't get what I wanted, he said he feels like he's let me down I said it's fine, I'll probably love the ring and even if I don't it doesn't mean I don't love him. He did say he would be sad if I didn't like it but he would rather I had something I wanted. He also revealed he had already bought it and that I could look at it while he was out tonight if I wanted (he can return it).
Of course I look, I'm a slave to curiosity, and I don't like it. Its a dark sapphire, I think due to the setting not much light get's in so it looks almost black and it's surrounded by a halo of diamonds, in the bag with the ring box was the receipt, it was £600! Its really not what I wanted and I'm a little sad that he didn't pay attention to what I didn't like, or maybe he misunderstood that I was talking in general about what I didn't want not just for specific gem stones, either way I'm not a fan.
I think I could learn to like it but I don't think I'll ever love it, and the price makes me uncomfortable. He's also insisted to pay for all of it, which is not what I expected as I thought that I could offer to pay for some of it after he had dropped the knee (he wanted it to be a surprise so wouldn't have known the cost till then).
What would you do and am I unreasonable to feel like this?

OP posts:
Cariadne · 26/05/2019 22:43

I don’t think you are unreasonable - jewellery is a very personal thing, and you’re the one wearing it, not him!

Why don’t you suggest going to look for one together and choosing one you both like? That way choosing it becomes a lovely shared memory and you can be sure you will love the ring.

chamenanged · 26/05/2019 22:45

I'd tell him I wasn't comfortable with the amount and I want input into the ring. Ridiculous to spend £600 on any gift that the receiver doesn't love. And it's not the 1900s where you have to be grateful for any ring he chooses and somehow accept the fact that he "doesn't want to buy online" as reasonable. It's been the 21st century for nearly twenty years. If he really doesn't want to shop online can't he ask a jeweller to make one you'd like?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2019 22:48

I think be honest and suggest looking for something together. Perhaps somewhere that sells antiques might have something less "usual"?
Then i'd look for a cheap version of your dream ring and wear it middle finger of other hand as a dress ring

Cherrysoup · 26/05/2019 22:54

I’d be gutted. Me and my dh went to choose my ring. It’s so personal, you have to wear it, not him. Will it be awful if you ask him to send it back?

M00nUnit · 26/05/2019 22:55

YANBU - you're going to be looking at it forever so it has to be something you love. Very silly of him to spend all that money on something he didn't even know you'd like. Yes he has let you down!

Chocolate35 · 26/05/2019 23:01

YANBU. I’d feel exactly the same. My now-husband refused outright to choose my ring

Chocolate35 · 26/05/2019 23:03

Eeeek posted too soon. Husband did a wonderful proposal after I’d chosen my ring. It’s so personal and you expect to wear it forever so I think it would be fair to change it to something you love. You’ll laugh about this in years to come.

Drogosnextwife · 26/05/2019 23:05

Yes I would tell him, you showed him what you liked he didn't listen, he picked something you specifically said you didn't want, yet he will be upset?

Drogosnextwife · 26/05/2019 23:05

You are the one who has to wear it.

Mummaofmytribe · 26/05/2019 23:09

Also I bought my daughter a quirky ring from Etsy for her 18th. (Different stone and setting from "generic" jewellers)
The maker took a lot of trouble getting the size right etc and confirming the specifc stone I'd asked for - it was perfect when it arrived.

So maybe reassure him that buying online can be very successful. You just make sure the seller is comfortable answering questions and communicating before you commit to the purchase.

Fatted · 26/05/2019 23:10

This is why DH and I picked my engagement ring together. We went and got one we both liked.

I'd be honest. It's not what you like. It's also more than you're comfortable with spending.

I wouldn't come out with how he's not paid attention to what you like, because he probably has in his mind. Just tell him you'd like to go and pick something together.

HennyPennyHorror · 26/05/2019 23:11

YANBU! My DH asked me what I liked and I was very clear...he got it ALMOST right...right enough that I could wear it and love it.

Quintella · 26/05/2019 23:12

I wouldn't let my DH choose my winter coat and I'd only be wearing that for a year or two. No way I'd let him choose something I'd be expecting to wear daily for decades.

You were pretty clear about the kind of design you liked and a sapphire is the polar opposite of an opal so it's a bit weird that's what he's plumped for. Don't keep it to be polite.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 26/05/2019 23:13

I don't understand why he asked you what you'd like only to stubbornly ignore you. That's what I'd be upset about most.
Oh and I have a sapphire and I love it, but DH chose it because he knew that's what I wanted, vintage look with a blue sapphire. It would be like him buying me an expensive diamond solitaire, lots of women would love it, I would've been disappointed he hadn't listened to my preference and spent more money. YANBU, but this would raise questions for me about him in general.

JoJoSM2 · 26/05/2019 23:14

Perhaps you could ask him to return that and compromise on an Alexandrite?

It sounds like he'd like to give you a classic ring, possibly the best he can afford and that you can wear forever. As far as I understand, Moonstones aren't durable enough to wear day in day out for decades and they don't look like an engagement ring.

Alexandrites are more durable and I think they would be more likely to look like an engagement ring rather than just a ring you're wearing. So could be win-win if it's a stone you like.

AfterSchoolWorry · 26/05/2019 23:16

Yanbu

Dark stones are ugly. I absolutely hate sapphires, garnets etc.

Thank him very much but explain that you really don't like it.

It's such a waste of money to keep a ring you hate.

JenMumma · 26/05/2019 23:16

AHEM..... pic ! 😁 xx

CalmdownJanet · 26/05/2019 23:18

I think your whole tone is weird, firstly stop calling yourself silly and bratty, it's your ring, you sent him pictures, he completely disregarded them because he didn't want to buy online, no good reason, he just didn't want to. And then your almost apologising and saying how how you feel isn't fair. Are you afraid or him? Everyone wants to like their engagement ring, or any other piece of jewellery they will wear a lot. Take it back, be nice but for god sake stop putting yourself down and apologising like you did something wrong

JuniFora · 26/05/2019 23:20

You're the one who'll gave to wear it. Make him return it and both of you go ring shopping together. Don't wear a ring you don't love out of misplaced politeness, you'll feel disappointed every time you look at it. It'll be a permanent reminder of him not listening and set up that habit for the future.

MrsEricBana · 26/05/2019 23:20

I do think you need to love it so you must tell him. I have had my ring over 20 years and I love it just as much as the day we chose it together.

LellyMcKelly · 26/05/2019 23:23

When I clicked on this I was sure it was going to be one of those ‘I wanted a 5 carat diamond and he only got me a 4 carat diamond’ tales we get from time to time on here. In this case you’re absolutely not unreasonable to say that it’s not your favourite and could he return it and get something you’ve chosen together.

Nearlythere1 · 26/05/2019 23:23

I don't understand his issue with buying it online?

Chocolate1984 · 26/05/2019 23:24

It's not bratty. I've never loved my eternity ring and now I don't even wear it. People told me I was lucky to get an eternity ring, I should be grateful etc so I tried to get used to it but I just don't like it. It's a nice enough ring but it's just not what I would have picked and seeing it multiple times a day just made me dislike it more. You'll see your ring everyday so get one you like or you'll regret it.

AtSea1979 · 26/05/2019 23:25

I think you need to check they take returns before you speak to him else it’ll be awful if he’s wasted £600. If not i’m sure you can at least swap it for something you like.

MooBaaLaLaLa · 26/05/2019 23:28

Say something now before it's too late.

I don't like my engagement ring but DH is proud of choosing it on his own and I don't like to burst his bubble.
He likes to imply it cost a lot too which makes me feel guilty. I'd much rather have had something cheaper that I loved.

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