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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my dm to back off

31 replies

madpulse29 · 26/05/2019 22:24

My dd loves her grandma and most of the time things are great. But there is constant interference from dm when it comes to discipline or any form of upset from dd.

My parent live 5 minutes away so constantly popping in,this evening dd was not behaving at bedtime.Shes 6 and pushing boundaries,I’ve been firm with her and told her this is bedtime,etc.As soon as dm heard this she came marching up to dds bedroom,I could hear her outside the door saying that I was being horrible to dd and to stop being mean to her.

Clearly dd heard this too,I got very annoyed at dm and told her to let me sort the situation out.Dm stood there telling me that she should take over because I’d obviously ‘flipped’ and was being mean.

This isn’t the first time this has happened,she tries to step in and prevent any form of me making boundaries and has in the past said that I’m a horrible person in front of my dd.This has been over not giving her sweets or letting her paint (in her school uniform) before school.Each time I sit down and explain why I get so annoyed at dm saying these things in front of dd....it hasn’t changed though.

After each episode dm apologies profusely and says she will never do it again.Then it happens again.I don’t know what to do,she doesn’t listen and I worry this will upset dd long term because it’s confusing for her.

She lives so close that it’s impossible to limit contact with her,I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Likethebattle · 26/05/2019 22:28

Limit contact, yes they live close by but you don’t have to see them until she learns that you are the parent and you make the rules.

Wolfiefan · 26/05/2019 22:29

Of course it isn’t impossible to limit contact. My amazing mum lives round the corner but doesn’t just pop in and undermine me as a parent. Time to set some boundaries.

Cherrysoup · 26/05/2019 22:30

It is not impossible to limit contact. You tell her not to come round so bloody frequently. When do you get time just you and your dd? Do you have a partner? Don’t they hate your dm being round constantly?

Ohtherewearethen · 26/05/2019 22:31

This is hideous. Your mother is really out of order here. Just what on earth does she think she is doing?
I think you need to be brutal and tell her that she is not welcome because she constantly criticises, contradicts and undermines you in front of your daughter and that talking to her about it hasn't worked. How you haven't had a blazing row by now is a mystery and a credit to your patience!

titchy · 26/05/2019 22:34

Don't open the front door! If she has a key, get it back.

Original poster
madpulse29 · 26/05/2019 22:36

She does a lot of childcare for us,that’s why it is difficult sometimes.Dh often works away and I have a part time job which dm provides childcare for.

It’s so hard though,I feel like a shit parent after dm has visited.Its frustrating because spam was hardly a faultless parent.She gave me very age inappropriate advice when I was very young and made mistakes (as we do as parents) but I find her interfering so annoying and damaging.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 26/05/2019 22:38

I had to tell my mother not to call at certain times. She didn’t drop in and wasn’t interfering, but had the unerring ability to call just in the middle of the bath/story/bed routine. I told her no calls between 6 and 8.
You have to do the same. Tell her you love to see her but bedtime is sacrosanct and if she shows up you will not answer the door.
You also have to tell her that she is undermining you and while she may not agree with what you are doing is your choice.

Original poster
madpulse29 · 26/05/2019 22:38

Ohtherewearethen. I’ve had blazing rows with her about her interfering and she then becomes the victim, then contrite, ‘I’ll never do it again, I’m so sorry’ we carry on then it happens again.Wash rinse repeat.

I’m at the end of my tether.

OP posts:
Original poster
madpulse29 · 26/05/2019 22:40

It drives me crazy but I worry more how my dd is going to feel as she grows up hearing her grandmother saying these things about me.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 26/05/2019 22:41

I think do what Pipandmum says. Limit times. She can come at 4, leaves before your dd’s bedtime. Zero tolerance if she starts undermining you, she goes home if she starts. You need to protect your dd and ensure she’s not getting mixed messages.

titchy · 26/05/2019 22:42

So why do you answer the door to her ffs?

sleepylittlebunnies · 26/05/2019 22:42

Can you not lock the door? Particularly at bedtime as it can be a struggle to get young ones to go to bed with people popping in. That’s not going to solve all your problems but let you mum know that she cannot just wade into your home and try to take over.

Can you remind your mum in front of DD in an assertive tone; something along the lines of “I am Amy’s mother, I am in charge and I am dealing with the situation. You may wait downstairs”.

Or with sweets etc “I’ve already said no to sweets for today, give them to me and Amy can have them another day”.

The painting before school in school uniform “That really is a ridiculous idea mum, Amy is clean and smart and ready for school. Painting can be done after school in play clothes at your house”.

Wolfiefan · 26/05/2019 22:42

Stop using her for childcare. Make other arrangements.

Original poster
madpulse29 · 26/05/2019 22:44

I agree with all the above,dm has a key to the house and I’ve always allowed her to come in - usually she will drop things off or pop in for a chat.

She has lent us money recently as we are behind with our mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
madpulse29 · 26/05/2019 22:45

I’m beginning to think that we should have struggled and not had the money,I do need to find alternative childcare.

OP posts:
runlift · 26/05/2019 22:48

It's horrible to be criticised and you shouldn't be undermined in the middle of disciplining but I would say have you considered what she is saying/asked her to explain at a calmer time. Do you lose your temper/shout etc. or do you calmly impose boundaries?

TooStressyTooMessy · 26/05/2019 22:50

I really sympathise OP. Both my parents are similar although nowhere near as outspoken. They absolutely think DH and I are too strict (we are really not!) and they leave me feeling like a shit parent after every visit. They have also helped us out with things and you do feel beholden at times.

Like your DM, they were by no means perfect bringing me up although of course as an adult I realise that all parents make mistakes and would never fault them for it. Yet I am expected to be perfect Hmm.

The difference is that they do not live round the corner and vitally do not provide childcare. As PPs say, I think the childcare is your main problem as with that it is very difficult to deal with any discipline/ interfering issues.

Original poster
madpulse29 · 26/05/2019 22:51

I would say that I’m calm,the worst it got this evening was that I said ‘get back into bed’ (firm tone not shouting) and prior to that I’d had dd for an hour and a half sulking,getting in and out of bed,saying unkind things to me.

We don’t often have bedtime drama,it’s just her testing the boundaries I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
madpulse29 · 26/05/2019 22:54

bless her despite her being angry still my dd even went up to my dm and said mummy isn’t horrible after hearing this.Its awful that she had to hear it though.

OP posts:
Chilledout11 · 26/05/2019 22:55

I don't think you can do much while you are in a position to need to borrow for the mortgage and also rely on her for childcare. I don't use my dm for the simple reason she is very controlling. Try and sort these issues out and then take keys back and cut contact.

runlift · 26/05/2019 22:55

In that case she is overstepping the boundary. Is she trying to be 'favourite granny?'

sleepylittlebunnies · 26/05/2019 22:59

How much childcare does she do if you work part time and DD is 6 and at school? My parents and in-laws have done a fair bit of childcare for us but they have always been respectful of DH and me being the parents.

If DC ask for a biscuit at my mum’s she’ll check with me and tells them that when I’m there I’m in charge. When I’m not there DM decides as she knows what they’ve eaten or when they are going to have a meal. DPIL are the same, if the kids want to stay at theirs a little longer they will say it’s up to your mum and dad, if we say we need to get home they help us by getting the kids to get their toys ready.

Your mum should not be trying to take charge unless you ask her to. Doing so in front of DD is clearly undermining you. Has she been like this for the whole 6 years? Definitely lock the door and I’d be tempted to drop into conservation a job opportunity that’s come up for DH across the country or even abroad.

sleepylittlebunnies · 26/05/2019 23:05

If you are behind with your mortgage then now isn’t really a great time to switch to paid childcare. It might not be a bad idea to let your mum know that it’s got that bad that you are considering it though.

Mamawingingit1234 · 26/05/2019 23:08

Goggle babycenter dwil. That board was MADE for you

junebirthdaygirl · 26/05/2019 23:09

I'm a GM and find l am far more lenient with my gc than with my own. But l do know to keep my mouth shut and never undermine their authority. Your dm needs to cop on. Be very direct with her. Say ..you made decisions for me growing up and now l make the decisions for gc. It's very confusing for her if you interfere.
Once or twice l fell into the trap of defending gc but one look from my ds told me...back off.