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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel so hurt and confused

44 replies

Allofme1 · 26/05/2019 15:45

I had a childhood friend, we have known each other 25 years. While we were in our early twenties I introduced her to another friends and we all got along great for many years.

Fast forward ten years, the friend that was introduced became really flakey over the years, even to the point of not turning up to holiday I paid for. We still kept in touch loosely and obviously i was still very much in touch with my childhood friend.

Two years ago the flakey friend announced her engagement and asked my childhood friend to be her BM, I was a little hurt as I had introduced them, but its her day so you know I got over it. However, childhood friend tells me that flakey friend wants me to do something at the wedding because "my face fits" direct quote. At this point I was a little angry and told my childhood friend that I probably wouldn't go to the wedding as this was a bit crap, I wanted to be there for her not just because I am suitable for something. Childhood friend also confided in me that she was confused why flakey friend had even asked her b/c they had lost contact and she didn't even think she would get married in the end anyway because they had such a bad relationship .. blah blah some other catty things.

Anyway after venting to childhood friend and receiving invitation, flakey friend blocks me from all social media and messaging services. I asked childhood friend to ask flakey friend why she did that, but childhood friend just kept saying "she didn't want to get involved". I was hurt and assumed that I had been uninvited to the wedding, i had a little fight with childhood friend. I said that i thought she should be on my side, since we were friends first and we had been so close over all the years, she disagreed, we agreed to disagree.

Around 3 months ago the hen night came around, childhood friend, an avid social media user, didn't post any snaps of the weekend etc. Thought this was weird, she told me it was because she just felt too ugly. Two weeks ago the wedding came around, again no photos. A mutual friend of ours then happened to say she had seen all the photos of the wedding and wondered why I wasn't there! So she blocked me from seeing anything!

Firstly, i'm hurt that she is hiding all that stuff and that she felt the need to lie, secondly, I feel like she might have broken our confidentiality and told flakey friend what I had said about being upset?

I just feel like I have no choice but to cut childhood friend out. Its not even the first time she has done something like this. I just can't stop dwelling on it, its worse than breaking up with a boyfriend, she has betrayed me and I just can't get over it.

Anyone else broken up with a long term friend?

OP posts:
Pgqio · 26/05/2019 15:53

She maybe thought hiding the social media posts was being kind in a not rubbing your face in it way.
Don't mean to be harsh but the "we were friends first" stuff just comes across as childish, you can't dictate the strength or importance of a friend based on who got there first. You sound a wee bit immature.

Original poster
Allofme1 · 26/05/2019 15:57

@pgqio I just wanted highlight the strength of our relationship. We shared so much together over the years, pre and post friendship with other girl. Our families are friends, we live close, we studied together and even worked for the same firm for a while. The other girl moved countries and basically lost touch with us until this point.

OP posts:
StrippingTheVelvet · 26/05/2019 15:58

Cutting your nose off to spite your face springs to mind...

If she had posted the pics so you could see them, do you think you would have been ok with that? Or would you have maybe felt it was to rub your face in it?

To me, it sounds like you're prone to being a bit oversensitive. I've been there too, so I'm not trying to be harsh but an important lesson to learn is that most people's decisions aren't made with you in mind.

Pipandmum · 26/05/2019 16:01

I think your friend obviously did tell flakey friend what you said, otherwise why would she have blocked you (immature as this was). I’d just give it some time and see what happens. Even long term childhood friends drift apart.

TitianaTitsling · 26/05/2019 16:01

Was it not something nice that you were going to be asked to do at the wedding?

Original poster
Allofme1 · 26/05/2019 16:06

@TitianaTitsling, she wanted me to speak at the wedding because " I look good, speak well and my face fits", this is what childhood friend said. I found that hurtful, why say that ? why not say because i'm a friend, not just because i'm useful?

OP posts:
Original poster
Allofme1 · 26/05/2019 16:08

@StrippingTheVelvet I don't really care about the pictures, why hide them? I care about the fact that we share all things personal, yet she felt like she had to hide this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Allofme1 · 26/05/2019 16:09

Not only this, but when I asked her straight out she lied to me and told me it was because she felt so ugly. Why couldn't she have just told me the truth?

OP posts:
Original poster
Allofme1 · 26/05/2019 16:11

@Pipandmum thanks, I think you are right, i'm reacting right now as it is a little raw.

OP posts:
Pgqio · 26/05/2019 16:11

Childhood friendships do end sometimes, I've recently stopped seeing someone I've known my whole life, she was a rude twat at my 50th 3 years ago and I've not seen her since.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 26/05/2019 16:15

I think childhood friend is a shit stirrer. Other friend probably wanted you to do something in the wedding because they care about you. Childhood friend relayed it to you in a nasty way and no doubt relayed your response in a nasty way, hence the blocking etc.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/05/2019 16:15

your friend obviously did tell flakey friend what you said, otherwise why would she have blocked you

I agree this is very obvious.. move on from all of them, they are not worth it. Flowers

MRex · 26/05/2019 16:18

You can't determine closeness based on how long you've known people, so you shouldn't be upset about not being a bridesmaid. The friend was perfectly nice by the sounds of it in saying she wanted you to read, but for whatever reason you took major offence and decided you wouldn't attend at all. Her bridesmaid perhaps tried to protect her from asking you, but it does sound like that went wrong and she damaged the friendship. You probably need to just chill out and talk to the childhood friend next time it's just the two of you, to let her know you're disappointed and see if you two can get past it.

somecakefather · 26/05/2019 16:18

However, childhood friend tells me that flakey friend wants me to do something at the wedding because "my face fits" direct quote

Is there any chance childhood friend is stirring things? Maybe flakey friend never said that at all(face fits). Childhood friend then went to flakey friend and told her something you didn't say and that's why flakey blocked you.

Drum2018 · 26/05/2019 16:21

I don't think what she said was insulting - she had chosen you for an important role at the wedding because she felt you could do it. She chose other people to do other jobs suited to them. Whats wrong with that? It doesn't mean the bride only wanted you there to carry out that role. You were invited, you had a strop and so bride blocked you - also childish. For grown up women you all sound like you are still in school, with the childish carry on of tell tales, blocking stuff, white lies and bitching behind each other's backs.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 26/05/2019 16:23

I think friend said that your face fit etc, but possible flakey friend didn’t say this and just said she wanted you to do something. You then hurt her with your ‘cutting your nose of to spite your face’ comment.

Original poster
Allofme1 · 26/05/2019 16:25

Thanks for the supportive words. I guess its possible that childhood friend did say something and relayed the "face fits" thing from flakey friend in a rubbish way that hurt me. She does have habit of drinking a little too much and having no recollection the next day. I just never thought she would have broken my confidence in that way, but I guess since she was also being catty about flakey friend to me she could also do the same about me!
But, a lot of people are saying that basically you can't expect loyalty after such a long time, do you really think that ? I thought if she had cared at all she would have tried to mend any misunderstandings between myself and flakey friend?

OP posts:
AbsentmindedWoman · 26/05/2019 16:28

I get that you're hurt OP but you seem to be almost thinking of things in terms of a hierarchy depending on length of who knows each other longest, and friendship isn't like that.

Original poster
Allofme1 · 26/05/2019 16:31

@AbsentmindedWoman, not just in terms of length friendship. We are closer in general, she even said that herself. She said, she rarely talked or saw flakey, before all this wedding stuff. Whereas, we meet on a bi-weekly basis, she comes to all my family events etc. Basically she has always been a massive part of my life.

OP posts:
Pgqio · 26/05/2019 16:42

She's not necessarily being honest with you though. Maybe her and flakey are really good friends and she's keeping it from you.

janetforpresident · 26/05/2019 16:59

I think childhood friend is a shit stirrer

Me too. I would like to know the holiday story, was childhood friend part of that too?
I don't see any need to block her just reduce contact a bit to make room for other friends. See her as an old friend but not a best friend.

VampirateQueen · 26/05/2019 17:01

I think your childhood friend is stirring tbh. You k ow she has lied to you, because she lied about the lack of photos on social media. I don't think flaky friend said anything of the sort about you, she wanted you to do the reading, because you are her friend, your childhood friend was jealous so told you it was because your face fits. She was probably also bein catty so that you would be as well and she could rattle on you. But I'm very cynical.

SirGawain · 26/05/2019 17:03

I said that i thought she should be on my side, since we were friends first.
Grow up, you sound like a ten year old!

Original poster
Allofme1 · 26/05/2019 17:06

@janetforpresident, no childhood friend had nothing to do with the holiday. Flakey friend has always been flakey. Cancelling last minute etc. It's just her, i'm not sure if it was because she got better offers or whatever. One time she was supposed to even visit for a special birthday and cancelled the day of(flights booked and all), saying her mum had made a surprise visit. But I just kind of took her as she came, some people are just like that, but I could overlook at, as the time we spent together was really great.

OP posts:
slashlover · 26/05/2019 17:12

So when childhood friend told you that "your face fits" you went straight into bitching to childhood friend and saying you wouldn't go instead of actually speaking to flaky friend to clarify what was actually said? It's obvious that childhood friend has told flaky friend exactly what you said.