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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex and his pettiness

31 replies

stromimy · 26/05/2019 10:56

Ex is very petty and difficult since our break up a couple of months ago.

There's a 45 minute bus commute between our homes. When he has DS to stay (which I don't like anyway), he comes and collects him but then refuses to bring him back and expects me to pick him up.

And then for the past few times, this has been happening...
Most recent example:

This week he was having him on Friday and Saturday night. On Friday we were out and he was informed that we'd be home at 4:30pm. He sent a snotty text about this but I dropped DS to the bus stop so they'd be able to jump straight on the next one.
I've messaged this morning to see what the plan is today expecting to get DS at lunchtime given he's been there for 2 days and it's a Sunday and got a message saying 'well the plan is that you're picking him up from here anytime after 4:30'.

This has happened a few times in a row, just mirroring whatever time we were ready for him to pick him up at and refusing to budge from that time and refusing to drop him home.

I'm raging at this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Shitonthebloodything · 26/05/2019 11:00

Most contact arrangements include 50/50 when it comes to drop offs and pick ups. You need to agree an arrangement and stick to it but yes you'll probably need to either pick up or drop off to facilitate as that's what a court would order.

Mandala6 · 26/05/2019 11:02

Seems fair why should he make the commute there and back twice, I think YABU.

Lucylou321 · 26/05/2019 11:03

YABU. I don't see why you think you shouldn't have to do any of the journeys. And as for the times it sounds like you're the one being petty.

magoria · 26/05/2019 11:03

What time does he normally have him on a Friday? If you have handed him over later why is it unfair that he keeps him later to make up the time? If you informing him on the day he is having him later thsn usual that is pretty off and is no different to what he had done to you.

Sharing the bus journeys doesn't seem unfair either without more information.

I think you are being unreasonable.

Loopytiles · 26/05/2019 11:04

Who moved away?

magoria · 26/05/2019 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fantasisa · 26/05/2019 11:06

We used to meet halfway for drop offs and pick ups as it meant it was less disruptive all round. Yabu.

Original poster
stromimy · 26/05/2019 11:06

Probably not enough information on why it rattles me so much!
I've been to a lawyer who said contact arrangements wouldn't work like that and I wouldn't be picking him up.
The times hadn't changed from 'usual', we have no 'usual' and the days organised this week were suddenly changed to Friday and Saturday by him.
Over the course of having him this weekend, my time on my own was ruined because I'd received messages basically saying that I was a terrible parent etc etc (I've heard it for weeks).
And I'm resentful anyway of him even being out there as I don't trust him in that household.
I feel constantly kicked down and dealing with his petty comments and behaviour.

OP posts:
paintwater · 26/05/2019 11:07

I think you are being slightly unreasonable, why should he have to do all the travelling if you’re able to do half? My ex does all the pick ups and drop offs for DS because I can’t drive and he lives somewhere so far in the middle of nowhere there’s no regular public transport, but if I were in a position to pick him up after contact I would.

And why is his pick up time dictated by you? Surely he should have him for the same amount of time each time, rather than having him for less time because you’ve decided to go out for the day?

Gizlotsmum · 26/05/2019 11:09

It sounds like there is more to this than just this incident. Is access court ordered? If not would that work to set it in stone?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 26/05/2019 11:09

We tend to do 50/50 when it comes to pick up and drop offs; it's fair. If ever there's a time one of us can't work it, the other picks up the slack, but generally it works better if there's both of you contributing to the travel.

If your Ex is being deliberately petty and difficult just to rile you up, the best thing is to let it wash over you. It's difficult, but if someone's aim is to wind you up there's nothing more frustrating for them than not to get the bite. Let him get on with it, don't respond with more than "ok" to his comments/texts.

KM99 · 26/05/2019 11:09

Honestly, sounds like you are both being petty. Put your DS first, sit down and communicate about days and times.

You say you don't like your DS staying with him, but as his father he has rights too.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 26/05/2019 11:10

Sounds like you both have some work to do, to move past the anger. But overall, yes, you're being unreasonable.

It is telling that you say you "don't like" your son staying with his dad. What you're really saying there is that you don't like your son having a close & loving relationship with both parents. Tough. That's what's right for your son. I know it isn't easy being away from your child, but you will need to put his interests above your own and recognise that this is right for him. And always remember that it isn't easy for your ex to be away from your son either.

As for the travel, it is not unreasonable to expect both parents to play a part in travelling. There's a link here with your comment that you don't like the overnights. You aren't doing your ex some sort of favour by letting him have overnights, for which he should be grateful enough to do all the travelling. You are equal parents. It is in your son's interests to have a strong relationship with both of you. And it is fair that you both contribute to that by splitting the travelling. Time to put your son's interests first.

On the timing, it is always preferable when there is give and take / flexibility from both parents. But the tone of your post suggests that you aren't being flexible - you want it all your own way. If you delay your son getting to his dad on the Friday, then you are taking away some of their precious time together. I guess your ex is making a stand in these early days to be clear that you can't erode their time together - he's being clear that you can't be controlling about this, and he & his son should get the time together that has been agreed without you chiselling away at it. That's not unreasonable.

To be honest, the tone of your post suggests that you believe you should call the shots. That's not how this works. You and your ex are equal. You need to respect that, and approach this more constructively - taking a fair approach to travel, and respecting the time that your son and his dad get together.

Hopefully you can both then get to a place where you are respectful and constructive in the way you deal with each other, and both work together to co-parent in the best interests of your son. It's not easy in the early days, when the split is still raw - but the sooner you can both set your feelings for each other aside, and recognise that your relationship now needs to be all about your son, the less damage you will do to him from seeing his parents at war with one another.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2019 11:10

Over the course of having him this weekend, my time on my own was ruined because I'd received messages basically saying that I was a terrible parent etc etc (I've heard it for weeks).

Is this as two way thing?

My ex used to do this until I stopped replying. He soon got fed up of arguing with himself.

Don't get involved in text wars as your DS is the one caught in the middle of the two adults he loves.

NoBaggyPants · 26/05/2019 11:12

You're confusing different issues here.

If he's treating you like crap and sending nasty messages, that's not on.

The arrangements for this weekend sound fair, he's having his child for two full days, and you're sharing the travel arrangements. That's fine. If you want a more definite arrangement and you can't agree then you'll need to go back to the solicitor, but keep in mind you'll need to stick to any formal arrangement too, you can't choose to change the drop off time if he can't choose to vary his time too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2019 11:12

Agree fixed times and stick to them. Are you both using the bus or do you drive?

You haven’t said who moved?

NeatFreakMama · 26/05/2019 11:13

There's probably a lot of emotion there but from an outsider reading it you are being a bit unreasonable. You should help with one way of the journey and agree a usual time and date(s) between you. You should support you DS having a solid, dependable relationship with his dad.

Original poster
stromimy · 26/05/2019 11:14

I don't like DS being there because there's always been issues and rumours about ex being involved with drugs, his DB who also lives there has recently been caught by police with illegal substances and ex has came into my home and been so aggressive towards me since the break up.
I'm not some controlling ex who doesn't like my DS having a relationship with his dad. That's all I want but I still don't feel happy with him staying there and don't feel guilty about saying that.

@WorraLiberty yes, I'm guilty of not being able to just leave it. It's hard to not jump to my own defence and message back but I'm getting there with trying to let it completely wash over me.

OP posts:
TanMateix · 26/05/2019 11:20

Who moved away?? What a daft question.

Op, it is fair that you both travel to enable contact and it would help to set times for it to avoid confusion and cancellation to other plans.

My ex was extremely flaky when it came to pick ups and drops offs. We sorted it by arranging for drop offs to take place at a neutral middle point at x time on Friday and return to same place at x time on Sunday. We both were entitled to leave and be unavailable if the other didn’t show up 15 minutes after agreed times.

Phillipa12 · 26/05/2019 11:22

But your ds has not been there for 2 days, after 4.30pm he will have. Normally pick ups and drop offs are shared. Quite frankly you both are sounding petty and are squabbling over unnecessary things. If you want a more rigid contact arrangement including collections then get a child arrangements order and have it all detailed in that, otherwise grow up and start co parenting amicably.....

NoBaggyPants · 26/05/2019 11:23

What do you want OP? You say you want him to have a relationship with his dad, but not at his home. How do you propose this happens?

Original poster
stromimy · 26/05/2019 11:24

@NoBaggyPants I want DS to have a relationship with his dad so long as there's no involvements with drugs, illegal activity and aggression towards me! Being at his home is regardless when this stuff still crops up.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/05/2019 11:27

Where was his brother caught with illegal substances and what were they?

Was he (for example) caught smoking a joint while walking down the street, or did the police raid the house your DS sleeps in? More info is needed on that.

With regards to aggression etc, you both need to back off with the arguing etc and try to keep it civil for your child or he'll have a miserable childhood, constantly caught in the middle of warring parents.

It's not easy but you both need to call a truce.

ellendegeneres · 26/05/2019 11:28

I think the pick up and collection times/ arrangements are perfectly fair 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just because some people don’t have to do either journey (myself included) doesn’t mean it’s unfair to split it. I’ve offered, but my dcs dad says no, easier for me to do it (he drives and I don’t) but that’s pretty lucky for me imo and not the expected norm

ControversialFerret · 26/05/2019 11:36

Who moved away?

If it was you then it's fair that you share pick-up and drop-off, but if it was him then I can see why you'd want him to do it - but even then it's usual to share the arrangements.

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