Ex and his pettiness

[stromimy]

Ex is very petty and difficult since our break up a couple of months ago.

There's a 45 minute bus commute between our homes. When he has DS to stay (which I don't like anyway), he comes and collects him but then refuses to bring him back and expects me to pick him up.

And then for the past few times, this has been happening...
Most recent example:

This week he was having him on Friday and Saturday night. On Friday we were out and he was informed that we'd be home at 4:30pm. He sent a snotty text about this but I dropped DS to the bus stop so they'd be able to jump straight on the next one.
I've messaged this morning to see what the plan is today expecting to get DS at lunchtime given he's been there for 2 days and it's a Sunday and got a message saying 'well the plan is that you're picking him up from here anytime after 4:30'.

This has happened a few times in a row, just mirroring whatever time we were ready for him to pick him up at and refusing to budge from that time and refusing to drop him home.

I'm raging at this. AIBU?

You are confusing issues. The brother/drugs worries are irrelevant to whether you pick up at lunchtime or 4.30.

Your assumption that it would be lunchtime pick up is no different to his assumption that it will be late afternoon pick up. I don't think your ex is doing anything wrong by wanting the majority of the day with his ds.

If you are worried about drugs where your child is staying you need to inform ss.
The pick up and drop off seem fair tbh.
Make sure you ave no contact with him apart from texts about the dc, and keep anything threatening that he sends.
Report the aggression to Police and have somebody else do the handover.

I think being "told" I'm collecting without there being a discussion would rile the hell out of me I'm not a servant or a slave so dont speak to me like that!

That being said I dont rage at my ex about it as this is what he wants my default is sarcasm so if I'm told your collecting them at four thirty my usual response is really? Thanks for letting me know my ex tries to change days we have a ten year old who is rigid in his routine (and ex knows I pay for childcare on the days he doesn't have the kids so it would be money wasted) ds will refuse to go when it's not "his" day so I ask ds he says no I tell ex no (ex doesn't work so no excuse as to why he can't have them just his girlfriend demands his constant time)

You both need to reassess your attitudes to coparenting here. Given that you have little or no influence over him, then only you can do it. That means dealing with the reality of the situation.

His child is entitled to a relationship with his father and you need to facilitate this. Work towards a stable agreement that suits your child, not you or your ex. If it is impossible for you both to be flexible then every effort must be made to stick to it. It’s up to you to provide apologies and explanation when you can’t.

At the moment you are both just telling each other what your want to do. That is poor behaviour on both your parts and will just add to the pettiness and acrimony.

You have no evidence he uses drugs. Making an issue of this will just make you look like you are being unreasonable and alienating.

That he was aggressive towards you is worrying. But be honest is he an aggressive man or was he expressing anger and stress as his relationship was falling apart. There are many forms of aggression and none are right. Telling him he couldn’t pick up his child to 4:30 was passive aggressive. Losing his temper with you and shouting is outright aggressive. But both seem to be situational and centre on your dysfunctional relationship.

As a pp said he can’t argue with himself. Stop replying to his texts, tell him that and that he should only text about an emergency with your child. Arrange contact over email and use a specific account for this.

Fair enough for him to pick and for you to pick up. Why do you think you shouldn’t do something you demand of him ?

I agree with what others have said. Share drop off and pick ups and set regular times. I cant see why you'd expect to pick up your kid half way through Sunday.

My kids would go to their Dad friday after school or he would pick them up and I'd pick them up around 6pm.

He has a right to time with his child just as you do. If you changed th drop off time then he's right to change the collection time.

You chose this man to be tha father of your child so obviously thought he was the best person for the role.

Given the lack of response as to who moved, I'm guessing it was you. A court would make you do all the travelling so half each is more than fair.