To want to up and leave...

[Forest2017]

My family bank holiday weekend. Rather than pretend I’m ok.

Long long back story of parents with mental health issues....

Last night at a very nice fancy restaurant chosen by my mother for her birthday meal my mother, who’s previously been hard work especially after some wine, said under her breath to me “you’re such a little bitch”... my father almost got very cross but I said - not now and changed the topic. She said it I think, because for about the 6th time said “is anyone else hungry, these portions are tiny” and I simply said “they are small but it’s a taster menu and you’ve said that”. I don’t know if it’s her personality, her mental health not being addressed, if she’s got early dementia, she blames wine and menopause for forgetfulness. But to be honest I’m not a bitch- she really can be.

It took everything in me not to break down and cry. If I hadn’t have been over the limit I would’ve driven to a friends/to another county to my lovely partners family home or back to London.

Instead I’ve stayed- barely slept and I know she won’t remember it. I’d like to add this happens usually at Christmas, other meals, and has been ongoing in my adult life. My other siblings do not get treated this way- I’m the only daughter.

This morning she has come in to my room to say good morning, I said I hadn’t slept well and i was going to sleep more. She clearly doesn’t remember, and she never does.

So do I....

a) simply say “it really hurt me that you called me a bitch last night” and see what happens

B) carry on until Tuesday pretending I’m ok. Brush it under the carpet and put a brave face on ALL weekend

C) pack my tiny bag, leave quietly and message explaining I won’t be treated that way and unless she Changes I won’t be home. It will cause a huge upset but year after year nothing has changed and I dread the future of her wanting to be around me more. She is living for the day of grandchildren and “seeing them all the time”

I’d like to add that this often happens. She won’t seek help, thinks she is fine and everyone else is an issue.

I’m a really easy going, kind person- I’m really not a bitch. In fact I’m sensitive and put everyone first, I struggle to stand up for myself and in the past year I have done to others just not my mother.. but her comment came from me politely saying something that she took negatively.

I don’t wish to ask my siblings or father to get involved as I’m a grown woman and it will become a family argument. I need to independently decide what to do....

Not really sure why I’m posting other than for advice, words of wisdom and maybe a hand hold....

Sorry you are going through this and it sounds emotionally exhausting. Great that you have listed out your options and if you were being completely honest with yourself what do you want to do that would be good for you ( ie what would you tell your best friend to do?)

Honestly I’d do a mix of A and C. I’d tell her that you are leaving after the way she spoke to you last.
I’d have my things ready to go, then tell her and leave. You don’t deserve to be treated like that,

I'm sorry your mum has early stages of dementia - so does mine. I have to say though that you sound hard work and perhaps you need some help to cope with it - part of dementia is that people forget things they have said so they repeat them. Drugs taken and thnot be upset e condition can also change people's personalities, and it can mean they change to something being nasty, which is really sad.

Personally I'd stay, but if she is making comments that upset you, try thinking about that it could be the condition, not what she thinks. In future you may be better of having shorter visits and with less alcohol involved.

What a nasty, judgmental and unfair post above

Sorry I didn’t say she had it. I just said perhaps it could be. I guess I’m trying to think of reasons she is mean to me and behaves this way.

I don’t think I’m hard work. But I think it’s incredibly tough to deal with parents with mental health issues. And remain emotionally strong yourself.

I will just politely say this morning to her what she said and simply say it really hurt me. She will ask why I didn’t sleep well.

I guess I’ll go from there.

I’ll add that I’ve emailed some therapists myself - because friends can’t always get to the bottom of issues and tell you the right thing. Most say leave and deal with consequences later. I know she will he hurt by my leaving.

Can I ask why you think I sound hard work? Im intrigued...

@BlueJava
Pop's mother doesn't have a dementia diagnosis. OP was speculating about why her mum behaves this way.

BlueJava the op said she doesn’t know if her mum has early stage dementia?

Sorry you’re going through this op. I think I’d do what @ThedementedPenguin suggests.

*OP's mother

I think option C. Do what is easiest for you.

@BlueJava how does OP sound like hard work? Was it a typo and you meant the mum sounds like hard work?

Ignore @bluejava OP. Shitty post.

My mother suffers from serious mental health problems, exacerbated by alcohol, and is often very very cruel. It's incredibly waring after a while and can seriously affect your own mental health, so no. You're not being hard work.

My mother also refused to get help for many years and, eventually, I went NC saying I would only see her again if she got help. As it is in this country, patients generally have to refer themselves for help so this was all I could think of doing.

She did eventually get help and I see her from time to time now.

I would advise you do a mixture of A and C as PP suggested. If she is not pulled up on bad behaviour she will never realise something is wrong and nothing will ever change.

It's nothing you did.

My brother is like this, but only with me. He has MH issues that surface when he drinks, and he would sit at meals, spewing a stream of invective at me under his breath. Really nasty stuff.

I said to our father that I had had enough, that I wasn't going through that again, and I haven't seen my brother in 30 years. It's a relief.

Since it's only you that your mother treats this way, it's more likely to be personality. So, I would ignore posts chastising you.

I can't imagine my Mum ever treating any of her children so. Or me mine. Hard to give advice.

However, I would certainly leave. Perhaps make an excuse if you don't want to deal with the fallout just now.

Best of luck. You shouldn't have to suffer this from anyone, let alone your Mum.

Sounds like your dad would support you. I would speak to her and see how she takes it. Don't see her if drink is involved. Call her out in future 'did you mean to be so rude'
If she can't behave go home, why should you put up with it?

I'd call her on it then leave.

Please leave op. Being bullied at whatever your age isn't acceptable.
She is damaging your mh.

I have mental health issues - my kids are teens - however, I would NEVER call my kids anything derogatory, let alone something as hurtful as a b"@&h. I think the 'little' makes it more nasty.

You are not a bitch, you are her child, she brought you into this world - her job is to nurture and empower you.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. The NC thing often suggested on here always worries me - it's so layered your relationship with your parents that it's extremely difficult to go NC, but......

I would definitely go for option 3 - if you are confident to do so without a massive fallout that's more difficult and rippling for you to deal with than turning a blind eye to your mother and her issues.

This is not acceptable behaviour. Unless of course, she does have early stage dementia. Sounds to me like she has form and the demon drink brings this out in her?

If I did this to ANYBODY when I had drunk alcohol - I would never touch it again - I mean that.

Have a hand to hold and and a internet voice of support.

I would do (A) but I would do it while your father is present and ask him to corroborate. If he refuses, leave. But if you can both tell your mother you might get somewhere.

OP, yours is a very sad post to read. I really feel for you.
I don't know if your mother has dementia, but I sincerely doubt it, as she's been like this always towards you.

Your mother sounds really mean.
What she whispered to you was vicious.

And she's been getting away with it.

I would pack and quietly leave.
I would do C and mean it.
This is not good for your MH.

She is not a positive influence in your life.
This behaviour is absolutely a choice.
She's a bully who knows she can get away with it.

Change the dynamic of your relationship by stating calmly that she has spoken to your viciously for the last time.

Feel no embarrassment, just empowerment.

She will no doubt have a fit but if you stick to your position the penny may drop.

I would definitely get some therapy if you can afford it to support yourself through this transition.

It is very hard to stand up to a parent who treats you badly.
I know, I did.

But change can only happen if they decide it's in their best interest to change.

Their behaviour is absolutely deliberate.

I wish you the very best.
Please contact a good friend to support you when you get home.

Op you don’t sound hard work.

Don’t let your mum getting upset inform what you want to do, this only breeds resentment and knocks self esteem.

What do you want to do.

Personally I’d approach her, and go from there.

Your not her punch bag, or emotional sponge. What she said what nasty.

FWIW she said what she did because she thinks she can get away with it and she probably has in the past.

You need to change the script, challenge her, pull the boundaries back to where you find them acceptable

Ffs Blue java at least have the decency to read the OPs post properly before you start on at her!

Have a look at the site Out of the Fog online, for people with parents like this. It really helped me. Some ideas here about boundaries, no contact etc.

outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

I'd do C but if you're up to to it A and C. You deserve better

Do you live at home? Or were you just staying the night? I say that, as it's not right but sometimes familiarity breeds contempt. You are a sitting duck. On a side note, did your Mother see your comment about it being a tasting menu as a 'put down'. My mother would have taken it that it way. She wouldn't have called me a bitch at the dinner table but everyone would have known how I deliberately made her look small.

Ignoring the menopause/dementia guesses if this goes on every Christmas, every big celebration than I would suggest drink being the common denominator. Some people are just nasty drunks.

I think you are right to say something. What did the rest of the family say? I would tell her that you were upset by the comment, and if it happens again, you will walk out. If she claims she doesn't remember, remind her that she always remember not to insult other famiky members, only you. Mention it to your father as well. Tell him enough is enough. But be prepared to act on it.