To want to up and leave...

[Forest2017]

My family bank holiday weekend. Rather than pretend I’m ok.

Long long back story of parents with mental health issues....

Last night at a very nice fancy restaurant chosen by my mother for her birthday meal my mother, who’s previously been hard work especially after some wine, said under her breath to me “you’re such a little bitch”... my father almost got very cross but I said - not now and changed the topic. She said it I think, because for about the 6th time said “is anyone else hungry, these portions are tiny” and I simply said “they are small but it’s a taster menu and you’ve said that”. I don’t know if it’s her personality, her mental health not being addressed, if she’s got early dementia, she blames wine and menopause for forgetfulness. But to be honest I’m not a bitch- she really can be.

It took everything in me not to break down and cry. If I hadn’t have been over the limit I would’ve driven to a friends/to another county to my lovely partners family home or back to London.

Instead I’ve stayed- barely slept and I know she won’t remember it. I’d like to add this happens usually at Christmas, other meals, and has been ongoing in my adult life. My other siblings do not get treated this way- I’m the only daughter.

This morning she has come in to my room to say good morning, I said I hadn’t slept well and i was going to sleep more. She clearly doesn’t remember, and she never does.

So do I....

a) simply say “it really hurt me that you called me a bitch last night” and see what happens

B) carry on until Tuesday pretending I’m ok. Brush it under the carpet and put a brave face on ALL weekend

C) pack my tiny bag, leave quietly and message explaining I won’t be treated that way and unless she Changes I won’t be home. It will cause a huge upset but year after year nothing has changed and I dread the future of her wanting to be around me more. She is living for the day of grandchildren and “seeing them all the time”

I’d like to add that this often happens. She won’t seek help, thinks she is fine and everyone else is an issue.

I’m a really easy going, kind person- I’m really not a bitch. In fact I’m sensitive and put everyone first, I struggle to stand up for myself and in the past year I have done to others just not my mother.. but her comment came from me politely saying something that she took negatively.

I don’t wish to ask my siblings or father to get involved as I’m a grown woman and it will become a family argument. I need to independently decide what to do....

Not really sure why I’m posting other than for advice, words of wisdom and maybe a hand hold....

Leave. You deserve to be happy

I wouldn’t leave quietly.
I’d make it very clear I was leaving as a consequence of her behaviour and would be seeing my dad separately until such time as she grows up.
If she “can’t remember” say well
I can mum and it hurts so I’ll see you when I can.

C

C. Just go. You shouldn’t have to put up with this.

I’d just leave quietly then tell her what I think of her behaviour later when I’m calmer. But you need to tell her. This whole thing about not saying anything because she’ll get upset... What about you? She doesn’t seem to care if you’re upset, as anyone would be if their mum called them a bitch. Doesn’t it matter if you’re upset?

I think you’re making excuses for her because you don’t want to believe she’s really responsible for what she says. And you’re probably used to it because she’s done it your whole life. Spend some time around friends with “normal” mothers and watch how they interact. No relationships are perfect but you’ll not see any viciousness in those mothers. It will hurt to admit it to yourself but it’s the reality. Sadly it’s mine too. It’s bloody shit, but it’s nothing to do with you and nothing you’ve done wrong. Take heart in the knowledge your father and siblings want to stand up for you. Wish mine would. You should let them, knowing it it starts a family drama it’s her doing. Not yours.Your mother needs to loosen her iron grip of tyranny on the family and be hauled into line.

Sorry you’re suffering on a holiday that should be enjoyable. Go home and seek out the people who love you because you’re a kind and beautiful woman and leave that toxic biddy to fester in her own venom.

I don’t live at home- I don’t have to stay. Other than knowing it will cause huge upset (she clearly doesn’t remember)

I wasn’t drunk. I had had three glasses - I do get drunk but I am a silly, kind drunk who usually falls asleep.

Drink is a massive issue. She isn’t an alcoholic as such (just wine of evenings) but it’s then the nasty comments come, she’s difficult in the daytime too- I think it all derived from lack of friends, etc etc but I can’t help anymore.

I’m a professional in London, 31, have a loving partner. My own home but are visiting parents independently (not yet married). I have options to go back to London or stay or go to friends or partners.

I just feel deflated to be honest and sad. Not what my bank holiday should be.

Well make your bank holiday what you do want it to be. No need to stay in a situation you don't want to be in. You've done nothing wrong.

I would tell your mum why you are leaving , and if she says she doesn't remember, tell her it's a regular thing and is making you sad and upset. Then leave .

The next time you get together make it clear you won't stand to be spoken to like that .

If you keep doing what you’ve always done then you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got. And the more you put up with it, well, it’s never going to change is it?

You need to be kind to yourself and do what you need to do for you. You can’t keep putting yourself through this, it isn’t fair. You deserve to be happy, you don’t need this shit

I know a lot of things which are said ‘in drink’ tend to be swept under the carpet by family’s of heavy drinkers. It’s not fair on those who are subject to the comments and is simply hiding the issue. I’d call her out on it if it’s due to drink.

I would always call her out, there and then on the spot
did you just call me a little bitch, what did you mean by that why did you say that etc
she does it because she can get away with it and she knows that she can intimidate you
flip the situation around, be the grown-up, take charge
Take her power away from her
you can do it

You have said that you dread the future
My advice to you is to call her out, flush her out, provoke her into behaving so outrageously that she provides you with ample grounds for cutting her out of your life completely

Scorched earth, take no prisoners, you can do it
If you don't then you already know what your fate is ...

Thank you for all your messages.

Call her on her behaviour and then leave.Just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to tolerate that bile.
Ignore Blue Java and her nasty posts..obviously didn't read your original post correctly.

How are you OP?

My mother does this to me. It always happens when she has been drinking. I have come to realize that she has had mental health problems all my life - including when I was a small child. My mother is also an alcoholic which unleashed the beast. I have taken some satisfaction in realizing it was not all in my head, that she was to blame and not me. Learning to process all this without resentment has been hard for me - taken me all my life to date. I am 38.

I look at my mother now with pity. I have learned not to react in any way. I also withdraw myself from her when she is having one of her episodes. That can be by going home or if I am stuck there (remote place) leaving her to wear her rage out. It isn't pleasant but I cope with it now much better with the knowledge she is the problem. It doesn't upset me at all now. I had DBT and this has turned a switch in my head.

The thing is that my mother is now on her own. She doesn't have my father to enable her to placate her. Since he died she is a lot nicer to me (only child)... go figure. Her outbursts are now classified as 'depression, loneliness and grief'. I have no doubt this is has some truth, but they are just more of the same behavior with a new name. My mother may have mental health issues but she is a narcissist and emotionally abusive - the trigger is irrelevant.

I say all this because I have new perspective now. I just ignore it. If you can, you should too. This, of course, only if you wish to continue the relationship. You would be fully justified in going no contact, but that has its challenges too. Switching off has been the best choice for me.