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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

New York holiday for dd - cost aibu

42 replies

Devon06 · 26/05/2019 05:32

So years ago I said to my daughter that when she turns 13 I would take her for a weekend to New York. Fast forward a few years and she is 13 and i can’t afford it just now, having taking her and ds away each year. She was fine with that and said she would wait. I am a single parent and take them away somewhere every year plus they do all their school trips. In 8 years their dad has took them away once.

Anyway her dad says he will take her ( he is remarried and both have high earning jobs), I said ok I really wanted to take her but if he can afford it then she shouldn’t miss out. He looked at prices at the time and said he could get something for around 400 and would I go half for her? Yes that’s fine. However he never booked it and text last week to say I am going to book New York for him, his wife and dd in December. Great I said how lovely. He booked it and said well you owe me £400. Tbh I was shocked as they have paid for a luxury weekend costing over 800 each and expect me to pay 400. I said yes originally as the cost would have been about 200 for her not 400. He never checked just assumed. I am fuming! He could have took her at a cheaper time of year but he has booked the most expensive. I don’t have that money to hand and don’t see why I should double what I give him. Also in 8 years despite his money going up he has never given me a penny more, he has the kids for 2 nights a month so i literally pay for everything. Aibu to refuse to give him this amount???

OP posts:
WhyTho · 26/05/2019 05:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teddybear45 · 26/05/2019 05:36

He’s being a cunt. Expecting you to fund a luxury break for him and his wife. Say you’ll give no more than what was originally agreed and if he argues then back to CMS to get them to recalculate his maintenance

ivykaty44 · 26/05/2019 05:57

The agreement was half of £400 so message him advising that he had told you the cost would be £200 and that is what you’ll pay. He decided to change the booking therefore he’ll have to sort out his extras.

Tbh I’ve jyst booked for late November & it’s £525 but it’s much cheaper as there are 3 of us going - so hotel room is cheaper

Devon06 · 26/05/2019 05:59

Nope he never contributes towards me taking them away and I wouldn’t expect him too as it’s my holiday with them! His wife also works for an airline so I had assumed they would get a cheap deal!!

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 26/05/2019 06:02

Then don’t pay anything

BritWifeinUSA · 26/05/2019 06:15

You shouldn’t have promised if you couldn’t afford to take her. When you promised several years ago you should have started saving so that by the time she’s 13 you had enough. OK, she still gets to go because now her father is taking her but that’s not what you promised. You said you’d take her.

I don’t think £800 is a “luxury” weekend in NYC. Even a half-decent hotel there is more expensive than great hotels in most other parts of the US. You want her to be in a nice hotel, not some flea pit, surely? If he had booked a £400 trip I’d be seriously concerned at where they are staying. How much did you think it was going to cost for the 2 of you?

Girlofgold · 26/05/2019 06:23

In the real world we sometimes promise our kids things we can't deliver. I would offer 200 as that's what was agreed and what you can afford. It's 200 more than you've had off him for trips.

Durgasarrow · 26/05/2019 06:26

If you arranged for 200, pay 200

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/05/2019 06:33

£800 is not a luxury weekend in NYC.

It's hardly give and take though if he pays for nothing so I would stick to the £200 agreed.

Have you sorted things through the CMS?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/05/2019 06:43

Seriously. ...take him to cms. ...

Why are you letting your daughter miss out on money from her other parent....

Don't threaten him with cms. ..just do it..!!

What is it?20 per cent of income???

And they work for an airline? ??? Fuck that and for the other reasons....airline staff I know get virtually free flights/or dirt cheap...I think je sees you as an easy target to pick up the entire bill....

Don't be a foil. .
Pay nothing as why the fuck should you. ..seriously. ..

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 26/05/2019 06:45

Why offer to contribute to his holiday with dd when he doesn't contribute to yours? That makes no sense to me. What about ds?

If his wages are going up, why don't you go through the CMS to calculate and collect maintenance?

flowery · 26/05/2019 06:46

”Nope he never contributes towards me taking them away and I wouldn’t expect him too as it’s my holiday with them!”

Why are you even thinking of contributing to their holiday then?

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 26/05/2019 06:53

Just tell him your circumstances have changed and you can't afford to contribute. And you need to go to cms too. What a cheek! If he doesn't want to pay for his daughter she can go with you another time

Acis · 26/05/2019 07:06

Tell him you'll knock the money off what he owes you for the trips you've taken DD on.

Eliza9919 · 26/05/2019 07:13

Or the extra maintenance he should have paid as his salary increased over the years.

I'd give nothing AND take him through the CMS.

cccameron · 26/05/2019 07:17

Read your OP again. This man is making an absolute fool out of you. If you can't afford to take her to NY then why on earth would you part fund his trip? If he had given you £400 then it would be you having a great time in NY with your daughter as promised. I would be paying nothing towards that trip. Tell him it's too much, you'll book something yourself and he can give you half. Or just tell him you do not have the money right now. That even £200 would have been a struggle and it's about bloody time he took his children on holiday like any decent parent. Why did you agree to this in the first place?

And for the love of God get his maintenance reassessed. Why would you facilitate him not paying what he owes for his children. It's not right.

boobirdblue · 26/05/2019 07:21

Don't give him a bloody penny!

Twillow · 26/05/2019 07:24

*Were you going to ask him to contribute when it was you taking her?

If not, then he can fuck right off. If he wants to take her, he funds it.*

This.

FilthyforFirth · 26/05/2019 07:29

Obviously dont give him a penny. It is already booked and the amount he contributes is outrageous. What is he going to do, refuse to take her if you dont pay?

pumpkinpie01 · 26/05/2019 07:30

You shouldn’t be giving him anything , he doesn’t pay enough maintenance as it is and never takes her on holiday . Just say you have redone your sums and you can’t afford any contribution then start getting the maintenance sorted without telling him. You take your DD on holiday he doesn’t , you do not need to contribute at all.

nutbrownhare15 · 26/05/2019 07:36

Can you reply along the lines of...'I'm a bit surprised at £400 as £200 was what was agreed back in month. And on reflection I've taken the kids on X trips on my own since they were born at a total approx cost of £x000 per child. In the circumstances I'm sure you'll agree it's better if we both fund our own trips with the children.' Then go to CMS

CarolDanvers · 26/05/2019 07:39

I wouldn't pay a penny for a trip I am not going on, to a man who doesn't financially support his child. Not in a million years.

amy85 · 26/05/2019 07:44

Why did you even agree to pay half for your daughter to go on holiday with her dad?!? That's where you went wrong!!!

Petalflowers · 26/05/2019 07:46

Was it a misunderstanding ? Did he mean £400 to be the half price originally?

Overmaars · 26/05/2019 07:53

I don't get why he thinks he shouldn't contribute to your holidays with the children or even their school trips, but he's happy to demand t from you. Did you get divorced because he's a selfish arse OP? At the very least get his CMS reassessed.

I really don't get how people who are well off can leave the person who is bringing up their own children scrabbling for cash. It sounds like he's a Disney dad: he likes the nice bits of parenting but not the hard lifting or the funding for their kids.

Hold your ground OP. And tell him it's because it affects their kids DAILY lives if you go into debt.

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