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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice please!

37 replies

TrainsandDiggers · 25/05/2019 03:34

My marriage is rocky at the moment but both of us are committed (I thought) to making it work.

DH went out this afternoon for lunch with a friend. At 6pm I got a message asking if he could stay out later. At 1:20am I got a drunken message from his friend saying DH had missed his train, but his (the friend’s) client is a hotel booking app, so they have looked after them for the night. He’ll be back in the morning.

I am fuming! Not least because I have to leave for work at 8am so he needs to be back for the children, but it just seems so disrespectful! This friend regularly cheats on his wife. AIBU to be worrying what DH is up to?!

I also don’t know how to respond when I see him!

OP posts:
flossy12 · 25/05/2019 03:40

I would be very angry as well OP!!

Your not being unreasonable at all, fair play everyone has those nights where plans change but you deserve more than 2 messages especially when you have children to sort out.

It doesn't mean he is cheating, although around influence of said 'friend' I would have my doubts too, it just depends how much you trust him?

Hope you manage to get some sleep and get things sorted in the morning xThanks

crazyasafox · 25/05/2019 04:36

YANBU I would go loco! Angry

He can't behave like a 21 y.o. single man when he is married with children. And especially knowing you have to leave for work at 8am. I find it unlikely he will be back in time tbh.

Are you both quite young? Sorry, I don't mean to be patronising; it's just that in the couples I have known (with kids,) where the man does this kind of thing, they are almost always 18-23 y.o.

Men of 25-26+ who have kids (who I know/have known) don't usually stay out all night, (without prior notice,) and leave their OH with the kids; especially if she has to leave for work in the early morning. Imagine if a woman did that!! She would be labelled a terrible mother! If a man does it though, he is letting off steam or just having a good time after work. Hmm

I would be really pissed off, but I have no advice sorry! Sad

YANBU though!

Aquamarine1029 · 25/05/2019 04:38

My husband's life wouldn't be worth living if he pulled this bullshit. Totally unacceptable.

Original poster
TrainsandDiggers · 25/05/2019 06:44

Thank you all - I feel like I will be painted badly for having a go. He still isn’t home.

In answer to the earlier poster - we are both nearly 40 and have been together 20 years.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/05/2019 06:49

I’d call him now and tell him he needs to leave in x minutes to be back in time for you to leave.

Original poster
TrainsandDiggers · 25/05/2019 06:53

I’ve tried - his phone is off. I’m assuming it has died as I just received a cheery text from his friend (who obviously forgot messaging me last night) telling me that DH is safe and they decided to go out with his clients and get a hotel (imagine if this was the first contact I had had since 6pm!!) I’ve tried calling friend but his phone is off now too. I guess calling work will have to be my next option!

OP posts:
TheSerenDipitY · 25/05/2019 07:39

call work and explain you cant come in, call your husband and leave a message telling him not to bother coming home, change the locks and get on with your life

kaytee87 · 25/05/2019 07:41

God op id be furious. This is not on at all.
How selfish that he's not back to look after his children.

Oysterbabe · 25/05/2019 07:43

What an arse.

Original poster
TrainsandDiggers · 25/05/2019 08:55

It’s now 9am and he’s still not home.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 25/05/2019 08:56

And you're supposed to be at work? I would be livid.

cuppycakey · 25/05/2019 08:58

I would have taken the DC to the hotel on my way to work.....

Ilikeyourbeard · 25/05/2019 08:58

Not good OP. This would be a game changer for me

autumnleaves15 · 25/05/2019 09:01

I'd be fuming!!

What an awful position to put you in with work.

It could be an innocent night out with friends and too many beers but it depends how well you know and trust him. I trust my OH but I wouldn't be happy if he was out all night, no prior warning and phone switched off.

He'll be worried about coming home now, no doubt!

Original poster
TrainsandDiggers · 25/05/2019 09:02

I’ve managed to re-schedule my first appointment and arranged childcare for my next one. Feel like there are big messages in this about how much he values me 😢

OP posts:
Weenurse · 25/05/2019 09:04

Pack him a bag and leave it on the doorstep.
Write him a text ( leave his charger there as well) say that he can come home when he is prepared to be part of the family.

SupaNintendoChalmers · 25/05/2019 09:06

His friend messaging you makes it seems like he's covering for something

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 25/05/2019 09:10

If you are definitely both committed to making the marriage work then I strongly suggest couple counselling to get you both communicating effectively and able to air your grievances with a neutral 3rd party to oversee.

I'd be absolutely livid with him right now though and it would seriously colour my opinion on whether or not I was willing to keep fighting for the marriage. I think his response when he eventually arrives home will be your indicator as to his opinion on the marriage too.

It is absolutely not OK that his actions have impacted your work and that you've been the one left scrambling for childcare. He could have sorted that out yesterday and stayed out, you'd have known what was happening but instead he left it all for you to fix.

pictish · 25/05/2019 09:10

Oh my goodness, how very rude of him indeed!
The night out, the extension of it, all fine. Not showing up in time for you to go to work, dreadful. I’d be furious.

Morgan12 · 25/05/2019 09:12

My DH would never come home again. He would know what was waiting for him.

pictish · 25/05/2019 09:19

Actually, not quite the same but over 20 years ago as a youngster I had a friend who had a partner and baby son at home. He would regularly come out on the ran dan with our group and crash out, not getting home in time to let his partner get to work. I was a long way from settling down and having a family then but I still knew he was a selfish dick. It annoyed me and I went off him. His poor girlfriend, she was really nice.

cheeseislife8 · 25/05/2019 09:45

Oh wow, my DH's life would not be worth living after that. For me it's about leaving you with the mess of sorting childcare, missing work and generally having to fix it while he enjoys his night out. As PP says, just disrespectful!

Original poster
TrainsandDiggers · 25/05/2019 09:51

Still not home.,.

OP posts:
anonforthespies43267 · 25/05/2019 09:55

I too would be suspicious that it’s his friend messaging. Hotels have landlines and his friend has your number, he could call. My DH would know his life wasn’t worth living if he did this to me and would call as soon as he woke up IF he was ever stupid enough to do it. At this point I’d lose my shit and tell him his bags were outside ready for a lengthy hotel stay while he sorts somewhere else to live.

Pieceofpurplesky · 25/05/2019 09:59

I would be so angry. Ex H used to do this. He was usually shagging someone.

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