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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DM keeps calling my baby her baby and I don’t like it. AIBU?

65 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 24/05/2019 16:32

Ok, I probably am but still...

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Since telling my DM about my pregnancy, whenever I speak to her or she texts me she’ll say something about “my baby”.

For example a message she sent me which at the end said “I love you, please look after my baby and for you just put on baby not fat!” (I’m not kidding. That is word for word what she said).

Today I called her for a chat and at some point she said “and how’s my baby doing?” and I said I’m good thanks! And she said no I meant my other baby. I did point out that I’m her baby and the one I’m carrying is my baby and she said it’s hers too!

It doesn’t help that she’s second guessing everything I do, from taking antihistamines to carrying shopping. Her expression when I told her that I’m going to Glastonbury next month was one of sheer horror...

My Mum is a very intense and more than slightly bonkers person and she and I have a sort of close-but-I-also-keep-her-at-arms-length kind of relationship. She does already have grandchildren but she and my older brother are NC so this is the first one she’ll be able to have a proper Grandma bond with. I know she’s super excited and I am really happy for her but still... I can’t help feeling weird every time she refers to my little Bean as her baby! AIBU?

OP posts:
Nofilter101 · 24/05/2019 18:13

My mum did this. She used to call herself mummy to my daughter and we are now no contact, thank god. Should have don't it years ago.

BertrandRussell · 24/05/2019 18:18

Huge difference between calling a baby “my baby” and calling yourself “mummy”!!!!

Pepperwand · 24/05/2019 18:19

I get it's a nickname and she probably doesn't mean anything by it, but personally I think it comes across as weirdly possessive. At the end of the day if you don't like it you should be able to say and she should respect that.

Sorrywhat · 24/05/2019 18:24

This perhaps boils down to the respect and relationship you have with your mum. If she’s not being invited to the labour/birth then I guess not a good one. But having said that if you ring her for a chat are you closer than you think?

I think you are being a bit touchy about it to be honest. My entire family refer to each other’s children as ‘theirs’ but your baby has a bond with you only so why be bothered by it? It only a term of endearment. Would you prefer she doesn’t ask anything about the baby and acted like it didn’t exist?

You’ll likely have other problems in future that will make this one seem minuscule so let this one lie and pick your battles. You may find that you need her support later on.

BertrandRussell · 24/05/2019 18:26

I think it’s really important to pick your battles. If your mother is awful and possessive in other ways then think about how you’re going to manage that. But If she isn’t, think about how it would feel to be excited and happy about a coming grandchild, and be told you can’t use a little loving name for him/her. Nobody will think the baby is your mum’s. And babies need as many people who love them in their lives as possible. So be a bit cautious before you do anything.

BertrandRussell · 24/05/2019 18:27

“If she’s not being invited to the labour/birth then I guess not a good one.”

I had a brilliant relationship with my mum- but she most certainly wasn’t invited to the birth!!!!!!

Soubriquet · 24/05/2019 18:27

Jeez my MIL used to say the same thing. Till my dh bit her head off about it Grin

Didn’t stop her getting a tattoo of my kids names on her. She also refers to them as her prince and princess... Hmm

We have been NC with her for nearly a year now. I feel sorry that she has to miss out on my kids, but we found out she was smacking my dd when she was looking after them. “It was only a tap on the bum” she would insist.

This is a woman who broke a wooden spoon on my dh’s bum when he was a kid.

NauseousMum · 24/05/2019 18:29

It probably grates on you especially because your dm is being very intense and involved and is that kind of person.

Kerp correcting if you don't like and when she tries to police your weight, body or choices just keep setting her straight. For intense and clingy people, boundries are essential so neither you or your dh lose your tempers.

LolaSmiles · 24/05/2019 18:30

That sounds like a fairly common expression that I've heard in my area. On its own it wouldn t ring alarm bells to me. However, combined with lots of pushy advice I can see why you're irritated by it.

If it was just a mildly annoying 'my baby' thing then I'd let it slide. Because it's part of an overbearing pattern of behaviour and advice, you probably need to challenge it.

BertrandRussell · 24/05/2019 18:31

“We have been NC with her for nearly a year now. I feel sorry that she has to miss out on my kids, but we found out she was smacking my dd when she was looking after them. “It was only a tap on the bum” she would insist.“

But you are NC because she was abusive. Not because she called your child “my baby”. Unless you think there is some sort of direct line from “my baby” to breaking a wooden spoon on a child’s bottom.....

NauseousMum · 24/05/2019 18:31

Agreeing with BertrandRussell here. DM being invited to the birth isn't an indicator of a DM not being good. It's a personal choice.

My DM was pleased not to be asked!

Gigglinghysterically · 24/05/2019 18:35

I would hate this. Start as you mean to go on.Tell her you don't like her referring to your baby in that way and ask her not to. If she continues, tell her in no uncertain terms the baby is yours and she is it's grandma/ Nanny or whatever your child will refer to her as. Keep telling her until she takes note and respects your wishes.

You shouldn't have lied about her not being allowed at the birth. You should have told the truth, that you only want your partner/ husband in the labour room. Take control......otherwise she might.

Soubriquet · 24/05/2019 18:37

BertrandRussell

No...I got a bit side tracked Blush

QuilliamCakespeare · 24/05/2019 18:38

My mum occasionally does this with my DC and I don't mind it. I imagine it's similar to how I feel about my nephew. I sometimes say 'Hello my (name)' because he's my flesh and blood (my sister's child) and I love the bones of him. It doesn't mean I'm claiming him as my own or think I can any right/influence over how my sister brings him up.

DaisysStew · 24/05/2019 18:43

My mum does this all the time with my son. Doesn’t really bother me tbh, I just see it as an extension of her immense love for me Grin.

BertrandRussell · 24/05/2019 18:50

Do people genuinely think that older people have no feelings to be hurt? Do they never think-well, I don’t especially like this, but I know it comes from a place of love and excitement so I won’t slap her down for it- I’ll just let her share a tiny bit of the love and excitement this baby is going to bring with her....

LightDrizzle · 24/05/2019 18:54

Also wading in to agree with Bertrand that not wanting your mother in the delivery room does not signify a poor relationship.
I, and most of my friends, loved/ love our mums. None of them had their mums in the delivery room. It’s still not the norm, although it’s not rare and of course is absolutely fine if that’s what the woman giving birth wants.
I did have my mum stay for a week after DH went back to work. She was great, she washed and cooked, it was an enormous help, but again, that’s up to the couple.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 24/05/2019 18:58

This is the sort of thing my mum would do, but I love her to pieces and we have a great relationship. If there was already sitting resentment and unease before I got pregnant I imagine I would feel the same way as you about her phrasing.

BMW6 · 24/05/2019 19:00

You can't say "it always comes from a place of love and excitement".

Sometimes it comes from a place of possession. jealousy and narcissism.

The OP knows which it one it is in this instance.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 24/05/2019 19:04

Possible responses:
"Blimey, are you preggers too?? I thought that you were looking a little fat!"
Or "I trust that you'll assume some parental responsibility for this baby of yours and change all the dirty nappies".

As an alternative you could always buy her a therapy baby doll like they give to patients with dementia.

Original poster
AngeloMysterioso · 24/05/2019 19:06

See I can see my Mum being the sort who wants to sit and cuddle my newborn whilst I make her cups of tea. She’s just oblivious in that way.

We were discussing breastfeeding and I said I’d give it a go but I won’t stress too hard about it as not everybody can do it. She immediately said “That’s not true. Everybody can breastfeed.” She was also really unhappy when I said I was consider requesting an ELCS. I don’t want to be constantly questioned or judged on the choices I make... but that’s for another thread I guess.

I certainly don’t want to “slap her down” wrt the “my baby” thing but it just sort of makes me uncomfortable in a way I can’t put my finger on, and when I tried to gently sway her away from it earlier it made no difference. I suppose with that, and all the comments and advice, and the way she keeps trying to give me all her old unwanted clothes (she’s a size 16-18 and doesn’t seem to understand that just because they’re big doesn’t mean they’ll fit me) I just feel a bit steamrolled.

OP posts:
JellyBabiesSaveLives · 24/05/2019 19:21

If I was referring to my daughters baby as ‘my baby’ and she asked me not to, I’d say something like “oh sorry, didn’t realise it bothered you, shall I say Grandbaby?”. Because even if I was just being excitable and she was being touchy - well, her feelings matter.

So I think the important point here is that you’ve asked her to stop and she’s carrying on, perhaps because she thinks she knows better than you and what she wants is what’s important?

Summerorjustmaybe · 24/05/2019 19:27

In your shoes I would be determined to bf. Ideal concrete reason to demand your baby back whenever you want to. And to banish any ideas she may have of having the baby without you around!

YouWhoNeverArrived · 24/05/2019 19:27

I literally can't imagine being anything other than thrilled that my mum was excited about my pregnancy. I wouldn't get upset about this nickname at all. Indeed, my mum refers to my son as "my boy" or "our boy".

The unsolicited pressure to breastfeed and attempt vaginal delivery would grind my gears, however. I suggest you focus on fighting those bigger battles rather than fixating on "my baby".

BertrandRussell · 24/05/2019 19:34

“As an alternative you could always buy her a therapy baby doll like they give to patients with dementia.”

Fuck me, some people are vile.