AIBU to know IABU and ask how I can stop being so U (MiL related)

[letsleepingbabieslie]

MiL pisses me off with everything she says, does, thinks. It's a mix of a couple of genuinely significant major gripes, but mostly just little irritations. We are polar opposites in personality, politics, approach to life, values, etc. Sometimes she deliberately seems to be needling me but a lot of the time I know she is TRYING to be pleasant but everything she says makes me want to punch her. I admit, I'm not a patient or tolerant person. That said, she is genuinely a difficult personality to get along with - it's not just me. DH feels exactly the same but also carries the guilt of feeling like he needs to look after her (she's a widow, btw). He has considered going NC but the guilt would be too much for him. She's not 'bad', just massively annoying.

I try to avoid her as much as possible but ultimately, she is still part of my life and comes to visit for a weekend approx every 6 weeks.
Please - tell me how you deal with someone who PISSES YOU OFF every second of contact you have with them. I see people who just let it wash over them and don't react and I just don't know how they do it. I'm so full of anger and rage, I am increasingly uncivil and frankly just rude. I'm not proud of it and I want to be better, I just don't know how.
(FWIW, to reiterate - she has done and continues to do some genuinely awful things, she's not a totally innocent party in this, but she's so un-self aware that she has no idea how awful she's being).

Help!

Is she staying overnight, or just a day trip? Could you maybe see each other more often but for shorter periods? Or as often, but only as a day trip with your DH calling in-between? Easier to grin and bear it during a shorter visit.

I didn't want to give details because the point is I just need to get a grip, but I know I'll be asked so, as examples:

• There is something massive which I can't go into detail about here and we can't speak to her about for reasons I can't explain. I know, not helpful, but let's just say there is a legitimate reason to hate this woman.

• She is a massive hypochondriac, always moaning about the most minor thing. If DS sneezes once during a whole weekend (he has hay fever) she will go ON and ON about it as if he was dying of TB.
• She has really old fashioned attitudes which are cringeworthy. We live in a very culturally diverse area. When we go out in public she talks about 'we must be the only English people here' and 'did you see that negress on the bus?'
• She is insanely self-pitying. Everything is always against her, her life is so hard, everything always happens to her, etc. This is not true. She has a perfectly standard life. If her train is 5 minutes late she will complain for a week about how terrible it was.
• She makes unhelpful comments within hearing distance of DCs (e.g. 'is X getting better at reading? He's really bad at it, isn't he?'. Says really undermining things but without appearing to be aware they are harmful.
• when she visits she waits to be entertained by us or the kids. If we are busy doing stuff (taking them to parties, or just cleaning) she just sits like a lump on the sofa. Takes no initiative to keep herself occupied - e.g. bring a book to read. It's really awkward.

I could go on and on and on. I know I will be flamed for being a bitch, and I accept that is partly true. Help me be more tolerant and less insanely furious.

bibijayne - she lives about 2 hours away from us, so tends to come for one night over a weekend. I agree, shorter would be better but the journey time involved makes it a bit pointless. But I could suggest it to DH.

Is it just you and DH on the weekends she visits? Can you have other visitors or relatives drop by to break the intensity & dynamic up? Lots of activities like lunch, walks, coffee, local history sites out so it's not so intense. Or, more 3hour visits for lunch out (neutral territory & shorter time together always helps IME) : & knock the weekends on the head.

Just agree to disagree - you don't have to hold the same opinions and you're not going to change her mind. Plan activities for you all (including her) to do during her visits, keep her busy.

Is there any way that when she comes to visit you, she stays in a local B&B or AirBnB so that when you've had enough you can say to her "Now then, it's time for us to drop you back to your b&b" and be done?
Could you try and cut back the frequency of her visits? If your DH barely finds his mother tolerable but is doing it out of guilt, could he steer the conversation around to when she is next due to visit and the response is "Oh, that weekend doesn't work for us" "Neither does that one" and space out the visits so there is a longer gap between them?

How often do you see your own parents?

I’d be telling DH to go and see her on his own more often so you don’t have to have her to stay every 6 weeks.

Sympathy OP, I find my MiL the same. All I can see is over the years (20 😭) either I’ve got used to it, or she’s become easier to deal with. I used to get stressed to the point of anxiety with her. She was rude and nasty too and I reacted by being the same.

Seeing less of her is the only real way I reckon

I would have your husband go to her. He could take your son, too. Given it's only 2 hours away it could be a day trip. I don't think you're a horrible person at all, because I know exactly how you're feeling. I had a person in my life like this once, and I went completely NC many, many years ago. They were and are a wretched, horrible person. There are simply some people we can't be around, and the disgust we have for them is catastrophic to our mental health.

antigon I see my parents a couple of times a year (Christmas, summer, easter, maybe half term?) and they live exact same distance away from us as MiL. I had always accepted MiL visiting more frequently because DH thought it was necessary, but now I'm really beginning to question it. He invites her because he feels sorry for her - she has no friends due to her antisocial personality, so she is lonely. I used to feel sorry for her too but now feel that it is not our responsibility to keep her occupied and provide a vicarious life.
I'm curious how often other people see family / PiLs, although it depends so much on where they live, circumstances, etc.

Can't your DH visit her alternate times then you don't have to go and only have to deal with her every 12 weeks?

I see my MIL every day as she currently lives with us, but we get on well so it's very different. It doesn't really matter what other people do, it's what works for you and your family that matters.

"Negress" on the bus?

My MIL is a toxic nightmare, minimal contact, all through DH. DC now at age that means it’s easiest let them decide how much contact is wanted & they don’t want much at all. She’s now her own worst enemy, every conversation is peppered with how wonderful the other DGC are, my DC are bored of this...

I have same trouble with my DSis. She has just moved about 30 mins away from me and an hour from my parents. She is very family orientated (only since she has moved up here) and is constantly trying to arrange family get togethers,bbqs etc. Me and my DH are not bothered about going at all but it is causing trouble in the family, snide remarks and the like which is beginning to piss me off royally. Im 46 ffs if I don't want to go I wont go!

My first MIL was mostly a delight and usually supportive. My current MIL is now in a nursing home with dementia but she was very demanding and could be very difficult even before her diagnosis. I tended to let DH just visit her on his own and I’d go with him every once in a while. It kept throngs cordial. It had changed since she went into the home but I’ve retained the ratio with visits.

Every six fucking weeks? That's ridiculous. No wonder you feel stifled. How old is she and how old are you? Of course, now it's going to be difficult to cut back. He could go visit her and take a kid or two or all of them, except now they're getting to be that age where they want to play sports, etc, right? Those comments about "negresses" are not little, ffs. That is pure poison. Completely unacceptable. You do not have to let that slide by. People, by which I mean women, are told to grit their teeth and be pleasant when all kinds of outrages are foisted upon them. But you can tell her stuff it when she says horrible things. "You must NEVER speak this way in front of me." If you don't like to hear these things--not because the children don't, not because the world doesn't, but just because YOU don't, stop her right there. You're mad because she's crossed way over your boundaries and your spineless husband has let her do so.

My FiL could bore for England. I took to ensuring that I had a book or something around that I could disappear into as soon as he started telling us how he won the war (despite being too young to join up). He didn't apparently mind so long as there was a body there he could talk at, and DH was more tolerant about listening than I was. If I had to appear to be giving him more attention, I'd have some crochet or similar.

Dh takes a child/the children to visit her every 6 weeks. She spends a night with you every 12.

And challenge her if she says horrible things. If he says something negative about the children’s reading, for example, take her into another room “Could you give me a hand in the kitchen, please?” and tell her she is never to say such a thing again.

That's really nice of your husband to consider completely cutting contact with his widowed mother because he finds her annoying.

Why don't you get your husband to visit her instead more often? or you go and visit your parents when she visits so you don't have to be around her?.Thats what I'd do.
We have this with the NDN who used to come in for long conversations about her family, ill health and general bigotry about foreigners and gay people.
I've stopped it off now and just say morning etc and light chit chat about the weather etc.

Don't tell her anything about the DC at all. My PIL are negative about things and after many years of it DH has realised it's best to say we are all well and busy without any specifics. We talk about current affairs, the weather, gardening, sport, acquaintances (not friends or family) and stay away from any controversial current affairs topics, anything personal, or anybody we care about. We only say positive things about DC (yes to won a medal, no to struggling with maths).

Your MIL sounds completely toxic tbh. I'd limit visits and send DH to her.

I agree with those saying alternative her coming to you and dh going to her. I also wondered about meeting somewhere in between for a day out instead of a visit. Is there anywhere suitable?

Two hours away isn't that much (thinking of your family), so is part of the problem that you don't want to do family visits anyway?

I do understand in a way. I find my MIL very annoying, which I feel bad about because she always means well. We just disagree on almost everything (she’s very strongly pro Brexit for example). She’s also always tried too hard to create a mother-daughter relationship with me, which I don’t want at all, and ahe’s a very tactile person, which I find hard to cope with.

We see her 3 or 4 times a year, sometimes at my BIL and SIL’s house (and their 5 DC!), for a day visit, she stays with us for 3-4 days twice a year. Our DDs love spending time with their Grandma, so I would never suggest cutting down on our contact time with her.

I think you’d cope a lot better with that level of contact. But then, I have no reason to actually hate my MIL, unlike you. I can’t comment on whether you’re being U to feel that way about her, without you telling us what she did that was more than just annoying?

Oh op I could have written this. On average I would say we see my MIL 3 times a month for around 2.5hours everytime. After 12years I still find this hard so I have literally no advice. The only thing I do to make it better is that during her visit I will need to wash my hair or something that normally gets me away for an hour in between, I realise this doesn’t help you though.