AIBU to know IABU and ask how I can stop being so U (MiL related)

[letsleepingbabieslie]

MiL pisses me off with everything she says, does, thinks. It's a mix of a couple of genuinely significant major gripes, but mostly just little irritations. We are polar opposites in personality, politics, approach to life, values, etc. Sometimes she deliberately seems to be needling me but a lot of the time I know she is TRYING to be pleasant but everything she says makes me want to punch her. I admit, I'm not a patient or tolerant person. That said, she is genuinely a difficult personality to get along with - it's not just me. DH feels exactly the same but also carries the guilt of feeling like he needs to look after her (she's a widow, btw). He has considered going NC but the guilt would be too much for him. She's not 'bad', just massively annoying.

I try to avoid her as much as possible but ultimately, she is still part of my life and comes to visit for a weekend approx every 6 weeks.
Please - tell me how you deal with someone who PISSES YOU OFF every second of contact you have with them. I see people who just let it wash over them and don't react and I just don't know how they do it. I'm so full of anger and rage, I am increasingly uncivil and frankly just rude. I'm not proud of it and I want to be better, I just don't know how.
(FWIW, to reiterate - she has done and continues to do some genuinely awful things, she's not a totally innocent party in this, but she's so un-self aware that she has no idea how awful she's being).

Help!

My MIL is also extremely lonely with absolutely no social life and divorced. My DH does have siblings so we’re all in the same boat but it is draining. I also used to feel sorry for her but as time has gone on I now feel DH has taken on this role of being responsible for her happiness which causes arguments between us.

Thanks for all the advice. I think reducing the frequency of visits is definitely the way to go. Will talk to DH about it.
Whoever it was upthread who said DH was horrible for considering NC, if I could tell you full circumstances you would not think that at all. He’s been a fucking saint to her his whole life and she has been an absolutely terrible mother to him. Sorry, I don’t mean to be mysterious but I can’t explain in case I’m outed here. But just want to make clear that DH is unbelievably decent to her. I am not.
(Not sure why I care so much that anonymous strangers don’t criticise my anonymous DH, but I do!)

Her anti-social behaviour (and frankly racist language) is not yours to fix. She is a grown adult and it would be better for your children not to be in the company of such a person as their behaviour is not normal or acceptable.
Definitely cut back on the frequency and duration of her visits.

Would she mind your DC while you go out?

Could you pay for her to have her hair done or something, to give yourselves a bit of a break while she's there? Or send her on an errand?

Teach your kids words like "pessimism" and "gloomy" and "self-fulfilling prophecy" and tell them there's a pound in it every time they use them in the right context.

hollowtalk no, based on past form i don’t trust her to look after the kids. It’s like leaving them with a really really immature babysitter. Chaos ensues. I like the idea of teaching them the words though - partially joking, partially because I want them to be self aware and notice these are character traits which people inflict on themselves. Self pity is so grating.

I know most people wouldn't agree but I would arrange a night out with friends on her visit night. You could see her for an hour when she arrives and an hour before she leaves the next day (assuming she leaves early) which would make the experience much more tolerable for you. I have an unpleasant Mil and Fil who live a five minute drive away. I see them on average twice a year. They are not my family, not my kind of people and I don't feel a bit guilty. Admittedly I am not put under any pressure to see them as my partner can go and visit them but honestly if I was I would not bow down to it. Can your partner not make the journey to see her every six weeks and occasionally take the children?

I could find even more ways to skip out when she’s here (last time I urgently needed to wash the walls in the hallway...) but prob is also I don’t like her influence on DCs and I feel bad leaving DH to handle her alone. He’s had to put up with her manipulative shit all his life and I don’t think he should have to do it alone (or at all, ideally).

If you did leave her to look after the children, what’s the worst that could happen?

Could you play in-law bingo with your husband?

a mix of a couple of genuinely significant major gripes, but mostly just little irritations. We are polar opposites in personality, politics, approach to life, values, etc. Sometimes she deliberately seems to be needling me but a lot of the time I know she is TRYING to be pleasant but everything she says makes me want to punch her.

Gosh that's almost exactly how I'd describe my feelings about my ex these days. Who incidentally used to want us to see his parents every Sunday... It could be worse!

You can’t control other people but you can control the affect they have on you.
You’re allowing her to control your emotions. Don’t give her that power.

Are you an Aries OP? Frankly I think she's coming over too much, especially if she's staying over!
(I'm an Aries) ♈️

Please - tell me how you deal with someone who PISSES YOU OFF every second of contact you have with them. I see people who just let it wash over them and don't react and I just don't know how they do it. I'm so full of anger and rage, I am increasingly uncivil and frankly just rude. I'm not proud of it and I want to be better, I just don't know how.

Here's how.

1. Limit visits.
2. Stick to vanilla conversation topics: the weather, sport, soap operas, gardening, pets, cookery etc.
3. When ugly behaviour rears its head or a passive-aggressive remark comes your way, tackle it head on, and don't sugarcoat. Example: "MIL, that is an offensive and racist term. You should know better. You're also setting a terrible example for my DCs. Don't speak like that again, please."

"MIL, do not comment on DS's reading. He is doing fine at school and there are no concerns. Do not bring this topic up again, please." "MIL, you missed the train by five minutes, it's not the end of the world. Did anyone watch Eastenders last night?" etc.

Your post is exactly how I feel about my MIL. I hate how much rage and frustration I feel every time I see her. She insists on seeing DH and DS almost every weekend, thankfully (for me) DH goes to her more often than not. He’ll go to her for a few hours on one day but it’s apparently too far for her to come in the other direction for just a day so she’ll always stay at least one night when she comes to us.
My biggest issue with her has always been how badly she treats DH. He does so much for her, puts up with so much grief and and self-centred manipulation. No matter what he does it will never be enough, especially now we have DC. We can never tell her if we spend time with my family, friends or even just us, she will spend days having a go at him each time so he usually just tells her he’s working as that’s the only things she thinks is an acceptable alternative to spending time with her.
Like you there have been some pretty big awful incidents but mostly it’s just a lot of wee irritants that I probably wouldn’t find as bad if the back story wasn’t there.
I have no advice as DH doesn’t see any alternative to either putting up with the status quo or blowing the whole thing up. It’s good to know I’m not the only one feeling like that though!

Hi five to user14... and all the others sharing the pain. I’m also glad to know it’s not just me. How did they get so manipulative and needy?! Agggh. (Obviously I will never become MiL from hell because nobody will ever be good enough for my DCs so they won’t get married or have long term relationships with anyone except ME...)