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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take kids long-haul to visit family?

32 replies

lookingouttosea · 24/05/2019 11:22

I only have one sister and she lives in the US. We don't have much money and i have a 5 month old baby and a 3 year old so visiting her has not been an option since kids came along. I see her once a year or less when she visits us but my house is very small and where I live is a bit dreary and boring.

For the past year or so she's been seeing a guy who has, by the sounds of it, a lot of money. He's offered to pay for me and the kids to go over and visit. I'd be staying with my sister who has a large apartment but who shares with another woman so we'd all sleep in her room. It's a lovely place, beside the beach, with a pool etc so it's sort of my only chance for a "holiday" per se.

My husband is slightly against the idea however. He doesn't like the thought of me and the kids travelling long haul and says he doesn't know my sisters new partner...doesn't like the idea that he's paying for our tickets etc. He considers that my sister is unreliable (she's only in her early 20's), would be worried about her driving with the kids on board. He can't afford to come with us, wouldn't accept this guy paying for his tickets (although he has offered - manly pride!) and also it would be awkward with him asleep on the sofa in my sisters apartment.

I appreciate and respect his concerns, indeed I would be apprehensive myself just from the point of view of all the stuff I would have to bring over, not being able to drive myself around and so on but I trust that my sister would not be dating anyone untrustworthy. They don't live together and nobody would be with my kids other than me. I try to think how I'd feel in the reverse situation (as in if OH wanted to visit family without me) and I suppose I wouldn't be that happy about it but different situation as I'm breastfeeding.

Anyway he says he''ll accept me going if I'm sure its the right thing but he's not very happy about it...if you see what I mean. He's not some sort of a control freak - just a worrier!

What do you think? AIBU to even consider going? Thanks

OP posts:

ElizaPancakes · 24/05/2019 11:28

I wouldn’t, not because of husband. Because it would be a nightmare I wouldn’t be prepared to face with the kids. I know plenty of people will say they did it and it was fine but I wouldn’t want to risk it. It was hard enough with 7 and 10 year olds going to Cyprus.

Can he take annual leave and have the kids while you go? You may have to postpone for a few months but it might be a better option. Or have sister come to you or meet you somewhere else?

awalkintheparka · 24/05/2019 11:30

We just did an 8 hour flight to US with 2 pre school kids. Glad my OH was with me tbh. Getting through airport was hard with 2 kids.

But it's also frustrating that your OH is saying no and also refusing to be helped. Why can't he accept the gift and join you so you can see your sister?

JellyBellies · 24/05/2019 11:56

I would do it. I have travelling long haul alone since my first was born. Its definitely doable, don't miss the opportunity!

Hp737 · 24/05/2019 12:12

It’ll be fine logistically (I’ve been travelling longhaul solo with dd since she was 6 months old, a few times a year- 2 will be harder, but baby can go in a sling or something and itll be ok. Major uk airports are generally good with families)
I do find it slightly odd that a guy she is “seeing” for circa a year would offer to fly you all over but if you don’t find that odd then no reason to not go!

UnicornBrexit · 24/05/2019 12:22

I wouldnt for many reasons -

1.. You have no money of your own, you wouldnt be able to get home if you needed to
2.. it is unlikely you could afford travel insurance
3.. You will have no spending moeny of your own, you will be beholden
4.. your sister rents with another lady, I would go spare if my living space was taken up by another and kids - you and she might not gell>

They don't live together and nobody would be with my kids other than me

Cooped up in an apartment 24/7 no respite, you'd not go out to dinner with your sister if the other lady offered to sit?

He considers that my sister is unreliable (she's only in her early 20's), would be worried about her driving with the kids on board

You DH is a judgemental prat, sorry but he is, her age impacts on her driving skills how? And why doe people assume youngsters dont value their own lives enough to drive safely?

I'd go on my own, but I certainly wouldnt take kids into that situation.

Or, why cant he pay for her to come home and see you for a bit? Cheaper all round, or has her visa expired ?

araiwa · 24/05/2019 12:36

I wouldnt go all that way to share a bed with 3 people and be stuck in a condo with a stranger.

It sounds crap

LadyRannaldini · 24/05/2019 13:36

We were in Florida in Feb, hearts sank when we got to the airport for the over-night return flight, the airport was like a large creche, small children and babies everywhere! The reality was that there wasn't a peep pn the flight and some women seemed to be travelling alone with their children,.I offered to keep an eye on a sleeping toddler while one mother took the little one for a nappy change. Go for it, you'll have a great time.

longearedbat · 24/05/2019 13:50

Well I wouldn't because the thought of sharing a room sounds like hell, and what if the other resident is not happy about it? I think a pp had a good idea in that your h looks after the children and you go on your own.
Also, if money is tight what about your insurance costs and day to day expenses? It all adds up.
I also think it's a bit strange for someone you've never met to offer to pay the fares, but perhaps that's just me. It rather begs the question though, if he is so well off and they are in a steady relationship, why is she still living in a rented room, or is that a thought too far?

longearedbat · 24/05/2019 13:52

Sorry, I am assuming the room is rented. Of course, your sister may own the apartment. Apologies.

Greenfingers1 · 24/05/2019 13:59

I would go in a heartbeat but try to rent separate accommodation. That's just too many people in one space. The kids will be wildly Jetlagged and up at all hours for at least the first few days. The roommate won't be best pleased and your sister will have no clue because she doesn't have kids. So yes to the tickets but find a cheap airbnb to stay in.

Winterfellismyhome · 24/05/2019 14:03

I agree with @araiwa

blue25 · 24/05/2019 14:04

No, I wouldn't go, it sounds horrendous! Wait until your kids are older and book a nice relaxing holiday with your OH. Travelling long haul with babies/toddlers is just awful and even worse without another adult to help.

Peanutbutterforever · 24/05/2019 14:50

It sounds a wonderful opportunity to go and see your sister!

pallisers · 24/05/2019 14:51

I've done that flight with babies and toddlers and it isn't easy. The jetlag will mean your children will be awake very very early in the morning - trying to keep them quiet in the apartment will be hard. Will your sister have proper car seats to drive you around? It will be nice for you to see your sister but I doubt you'll have much of a holiday supervising a baby and a 3 year old near a beach and pool on your own.

I would wait and either go by yourself sometime - that would be a lot of fun - or save for a proper holiday. I don't blame your husband not wanting to go either. I wouldn't accept a ticket from some guy I've never met to go and sleep on a sofa with my 2 tiny children. Staying at home would be a lot nicer.

jay55 · 24/05/2019 15:41

Any chance your mum could go with you and split the cost of a hotel?

Trebla · 24/05/2019 15:44

Id probably go with one of the kids, probably the baby as they are free and more portable. We live on the other side of the planet to our family so fly long haul with 3 under 7 often. DH recently took the youngest back "home" AS he was free being under 2. I stayed here with the bigger ones. No drama.

cccameron · 24/05/2019 15:53

Amazed by some of these responses. Yes of course I would go. Have travelled long haul with dd since she was a few months old. And it's a wonderful opportunity to see your sister. Her bf sounds lovely to offer to pay. He must know how much it means to her to get to see you. Your DH sounds like he's being a bit of an arse really. Him preferring to leave you to cope with the travel aspect alone rather than swallow his pride for the sake of his family says alot really.

babysharkah · 24/05/2019 15:57

We taken dts to the us to see family since they were two. I'd have no qualms with the long haul flight part, it'll probably be hard work but perfectly doable.

I would have a massive issue staying in an apartment all in a room with your sister, with another person living there who presumably doesn't want to be bothered by small children with jet lag.

I'd have an even bigger issue accepting flights from someone I'd never met and is in a relatively new relationship with your sister.

juneau · 24/05/2019 15:58

Long haul on your own with two such small DC won't be a lot of fun. I've done it with one, which is okay, but with two and no help? Not my idea of fun tbh.

I'd also feel really weird accepting this very generous gift from a guy I'd never met. It's very nice of him to offer, but I dunno - I'd feel weird about it if it were me. I totally understand why your DH doesn't want to accept rich boy's charity.

zucchinicourgette · 24/05/2019 16:00

I would be concerned about the living/sleeping arrangements - sharing a room with your sister and your kids in an apartment with a stranger sounds really uncomfortable. Other than that, the flight may be hard work but you’ll get through it. The 5 month old will probably be a piece of cake, toddlers are unpredictable!

Can I ask why you wouldn’t be able to drive? It’s common for US car insurance policies to allow any qualified driver for occasional use so if you have a license you can quite likely use your sister’s car.

On balance I would go.

juneau · 24/05/2019 16:01

And yes, the jetlag will be difficult with all of you in one room. We go to see DH's family in the eastern US and the four of us are waking up at 4am for days. Poor MIL always wakes up, even if we're quiet, so she's exhausted by us visiting! If you're travelling to the west coast it will be even worse - that's an 8-hour time difference.

cccameron · 24/05/2019 16:01

I'm puzzled by all the talk of jetlag. Where in the US is it? I don't really consider the US as long haul and certainly have never experienced jet lag going there nor has dd. Have family over there and visit LA and Florida often

cccameron · 24/05/2019 16:02

Trebla idea of taking just the baby seems like a good compromise.

babysharkah · 24/05/2019 16:02

Us is a big place - there's a lot to the west of Florida and several time zones

cccameron · 24/05/2019 16:16

Yes I realise that babysharkah which is why I asked where. No use banging on about horrendous jet lag when it's probably not a concern.

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