AIBU to be pissed off with DH

[CarolinaChina]

DH normally picks up 2 DGCs from childminder on Fridays and drops them off home. Today DS has a holiday from work but DDIL is working as normal. We’re both off (public holiday for some in our area) and wanted to check with DS/DDIL whether they needed us to pick the DGCs up - if not, then we thought we’d book the cinema in mid-afternoon and then go for something to eat early evening............ a nice day at a time when I’ve been recovering from a viral infection that has seen me exhausted, but still working, and DH in the middle of hospital tests with 25% likelihood of cancer, again he’s also still working - I say this just to give a bit of context around the fact that neither of us is 100% and both of us are worried/exhausted. DS/DDIL don’t know about DH’s hospital tests.

So DH calls DDIL who says we don’t need to pick DGCs up so long as DS can be there. DH then calls DS and he says that’s fine with this arrangement. He’ll meet DDIL at the childminder’s place when DDIL finishes work and they can all go home together. It’s about a 10-mile drive for them to get home and DS doesn’t drive (long story for another time). I then start looking at what’s on at the cinema and am just about to book it when DH decides just to phone DDIL to confirm that DS will meet her at the childminder’s place.

“Oh, I’ve just realised that I can’t be there until 5.30pm and the DGCs need picked up by 5pm, so I’ll need you to be there. What am I like? Ha, ha, ha.....”. DH laughs at her lack of organisation and says it’s no problem. Still on the phone to her, he says to me that we can go to the cinema tomorrow, can’t we? I just look at him. “Yes, that’ll be no problem”, he reconfirms.

We then had an argument - DH asking why it’s such a problem for us to “help them out” and me saying he’s missing the point. If DDIL had said during the first call that they needed us to get the DGCs then that would’ve been absolutely fine - in fact, it would’ve been great and I’d have been really looking forward to seeing them. It’s the fact that they think it’s fine just to chop and change plans in the knowledge that we’ll not refuse to accommodate them as that would have an impact on the DGCs.

In the grand scheme of things, this is just one day and not that important, but I just feel that they do this sort of thing frequently.

I’m now back in bed in a bad mood and DH is saying he’s going out for a walk. He asked me if I wanted to go with him, but I just matter-of-factly told him that I was in a bad mood and needed a bit of time to sulk. Childish, probably, but I just wish DH would grow a pair. Even to say that we’d actually made alternative arrangements but, in the circumstances, we’d cancel them but please try not to do this as we’ve now been inconvenienced would be better than just laughing and saying it’s no problem.

I think IABU sulking, especially since DH has a lot on his mind just now. But AIBU being pissed off? And what can we reasonably do to stop being taken for granted.

Sorry this is so long.

I have to admit, I'm a bit confused by some of this. If he can't drive and the childminder is 10 miles away, how was he supposed to get there? And if he could, what was the point of his wife getting there too ?

He’ll get a bus there but the buses are infrequent and DGCs are aged 2 next month and 3 in July so probably too much of a palaver for him to try to get them all on the bus. There’s also not really anywhere nearby the childminder’s where he could take them for half an hour, so they’d just be hanging around.

By the time they need picked up, I’ll probably have snapped out of it and will enjoy seeing the DGCs - I half have already as DH has just asked if I wanted a cuppa and I’ve said that’d be nice.

I just wish he’d grow a pair and at least point out we’d been inconvenienced.

YABU. You were originally going to have DGC any way. Your DIL didn't do it on purpose, she forgot, mistakes happen. You hadn't even booked anything yet. Your husband offered the alternative of going tomorrow. I think you're overreacting here. I get that you're tired and ill and stressed but this really seems like a non issue.

Maybe with the cancer scare your DH is more inclined to spend more time with DS and dgc??? Just a possibility 🤷‍♀️

I guess DCIL being there is the key thing as she’s the one with the car. Not sure why us not being needed was contingent upon DS being there, unless they’re maybe planning to do a family thing?

I’m now feeling so childish as I write all of this! It’s not a big deal, really. I will, of course, say something fairly mild this evening when DDIL arrives, but the situation doesn’t really merit a “telling off”.

I think you’re both correct. I’m going to finish my nice cup of tea, get a shower and we can go and do some shopping until it’s time to get them. We’ll go to their home and spend some time with them and there’s a nice Italian on the road home that we can stop by. And cinema tomorrow - maybe even eat out two days in a row!

Sorry for venting - and I’ve already apologised to DH.

No I see what you mean your husband put performing a favor for adult children instead of bonus time spent with you. As far as wanting to see the GC extra in case he has cancer what about spending more time with his spouse who has been ill recently? As far as doing the errand why can't the parent to the children learn to drive? Too inconvenient? Too expensive? I'd do that before having a grandparent do that on a regular basis

You really don't hold a grudge, do you ? It took you less than an hour to get over it.

I do think it's ok to mention it to them when you see them that it's hard to plan around them.

I still don't get why (under the original revised plan) your son needed to go there for 5pm to meet his wife if he can't bring them home?

Am I just being a bit thick?!

Either way, I think your DH sounds lovely. Yes, he was mildly inconvenienced but I think his reaction was far nicer than the huffing and puffing a lot of people would have done. Your DIL didn't realise you were in the middle of making other plans. Unless he's ALWAYS a pushover, be glad you're married to a laidback, generous spirited man.

Why was DS going at all when your DIL thought she’d get there for 5?

Why can’t your DS walk around for half an hour with his children, it’s 30 minutes on a nice day, not a week in a snow storm.

But yes, once the arrangements had been put in place then DH shouldn’t have phoned DIL again. Her & DS would have had to work it out like the parents (not children) they are. It’s 30 minutes! & it’s spoilt your plans.

Still, explain to DH what you’d prefer he did going forward and then forgive DH, life really is too short & this is the kind of thing you dwell on when you lose them. Silly arguments that needn’t have have happened.

He’s kind & loving to his DS, DIL & GC & that’s a lot to be grateful for, but do explain how/why it annoyed you.

And people wonder why MiL's get such a hard time on MN.

OP - you're the MiL in the above story, right? You are of course going to say "something fairly mild this evening when DDiL arrives".

My advice - say nothing to her.
Go out to your back garden now and scream, shout, curse etc etc etc but say nothing to her this evening.
It will come back to bite you on the bum if you do.

I don't understand why your DS is involved at all if DIL has to be there with the car to get them. It makes no sense to me at all

I really don't see how this is your DH's fault at all.

Why ‘of course I’ll say something’?

Your DH normally picks the DGC up from school & drops them off home.

Your DH rang your DIL & gave her the opportunity to change her mind.

Your DS is an adult, a father, he should be able to manage his children on a bus. They only have two kids, not loads.

This is ALL down to your (well meaning) DH. Nothing to do with your DIL.

...and as for a ‘telling off’, really, who do you think you are? She’s a grown woman, not a child and she’s not even YOUR adult child.

You might want to have a think about your attitude for the sake of family harmony tbh.

Why are you pissed off at DH and not DDIL?

If he hadn't called to double-check then you'd be at the cinema so yy I'd be annoyed with your DH too. Being with someone who has to ask the same question twenty times (exaggeration!) and double-check arrangements is very frustrating. It's also a bad habit to get into. It comes from kindness but actually it slowly undermines decision making and boundaries.

Why all the phoning your dil, then ds, then dil- are they separated or don’t speak to each other?

Why not just phone ds, ask him to sort it out with dil, and let you know?

Sounds like an overcomplicated way of doing things. Not really surprising this happened when plans were made before ds and dil even figured out between them what was happening...

EKGEMS - he had his licence revoked as he got 2 lots of points for speeding in first 12 months and was under 25 at the time - it was a part of UK law that I hadn’t realised, but every day’s a school day. Yes, we know that’s irresponsible and dangerous and have “gone through him” as a result. He applied to resit his test and passed, but the insurance is almost £2,000 because of the revocation and the fact that he has no no-claims bonus. We paid for his lessons and first test and DH gave him his 2012 car, but we’re not paying his insurance as we feel he needs to learn. So he won’t be back on the road until he saves up the £2,000.

Cheshire - oh! I can hold a grudge! But seeing my thoughts in words and then reading the first few responses made me see that I really was BU. Besides, it’s a long weekend so we have a real chance for some quality time. And we’re also off to Spain a week on Sunday for four days. So I needed to stop sulking.

And he’s not always a pushover, but, like me, it’s kinda difficult not to do stuff for the DGCs.

I think you have a lot going on and should keep your DS informed. I feel like you might snap a bit more over the next few weeks with stress and it's better to say in advance 'we have health things going on, we will keep you updated but excuse if I'm frazzled or irritable'. It is so understandable you wanted time with your husband, but no one is really in the wrong in the situation.

I'm also not understanding why your son would go on a bus just to meet his wife to pick up kids

Why would they choose a child minder so far away from their home or work, or get childcare that is open until 6pm?

Would you usually react like this, or do you think the stress of your husband's tests is getting to you? If it's the latter, you need to think about how it might be affecting your emotions and reactions before you fall out with people. I mean this with kindness, I've done it myself.

A palaver to get his own children on the bus... That's a joke right!

I think both sides are being u.
Your dh was happy to do it, you can go tomorrow. 🤷🏼‍♀️

You've had a tough few days, you felt a bit hard done to and had a minor strop - like the rest of humanity. Then you had a word with yourself and back on track having observed your own behaviour. I think you're good, well done!

I know it's resolved (we all get huffed over minor issues, well done for getting yourself out of it so quickly!) but I STILL want to know why your son would have gone to the childminders to meet his wife!!

I will, of course, say something fairly mild this evening when DDIL arrives, but the situation doesn’t really merit a “telling off”.

Of course you will

I think it's interesting that you feel the need to 'say something' to your DDIL but not your DS. The only reason you're in this position is because he had his licence revoked (entirely his fault) and for some reason can't cope with taking his own children on a bus. Neither of those things are DDIL's fault. As far as I can tell from your OP, your DDIL had no idea she was spoiling your plans and your DH didn't tell her so all she's really done wrong is to be a bit forgetful on this occasion, which I'm sure anyone who has had to juggle work with two small children has been guilty of at some point!

I think that given this all appears to have happened very quickly, you are being a bit unreasonable. If ages had passed between the two calls I would understand, but it sounds like your daughter in law just slipped up and then corrected herself shortly afterwards. It would have been hard for your husband to say ‘oh it was fine 15 minutes ago but now it’s really inconvenient’ without looking petty and awkward. I also think it’s tough to be cross at your husband when it wasn’t his fault your daughter in law made a mistake. It’s not fair to be cross at him just because he’s available and your daughter in law isn’t.

If you generally feel taken advantage of by this arrangement then it’s maybe tome to reconsider?