AIBU to be pissed off with DH

[CarolinaChina]

DH normally picks up 2 DGCs from childminder on Fridays and drops them off home. Today DS has a holiday from work but DDIL is working as normal. We’re both off (public holiday for some in our area) and wanted to check with DS/DDIL whether they needed us to pick the DGCs up - if not, then we thought we’d book the cinema in mid-afternoon and then go for something to eat early evening............ a nice day at a time when I’ve been recovering from a viral infection that has seen me exhausted, but still working, and DH in the middle of hospital tests with 25% likelihood of cancer, again he’s also still working - I say this just to give a bit of context around the fact that neither of us is 100% and both of us are worried/exhausted. DS/DDIL don’t know about DH’s hospital tests.

So DH calls DDIL who says we don’t need to pick DGCs up so long as DS can be there. DH then calls DS and he says that’s fine with this arrangement. He’ll meet DDIL at the childminder’s place when DDIL finishes work and they can all go home together. It’s about a 10-mile drive for them to get home and DS doesn’t drive (long story for another time). I then start looking at what’s on at the cinema and am just about to book it when DH decides just to phone DDIL to confirm that DS will meet her at the childminder’s place.

“Oh, I’ve just realised that I can’t be there until 5.30pm and the DGCs need picked up by 5pm, so I’ll need you to be there. What am I like? Ha, ha, ha.....”. DH laughs at her lack of organisation and says it’s no problem. Still on the phone to her, he says to me that we can go to the cinema tomorrow, can’t we? I just look at him. “Yes, that’ll be no problem”, he reconfirms.

We then had an argument - DH asking why it’s such a problem for us to “help them out” and me saying he’s missing the point. If DDIL had said during the first call that they needed us to get the DGCs then that would’ve been absolutely fine - in fact, it would’ve been great and I’d have been really looking forward to seeing them. It’s the fact that they think it’s fine just to chop and change plans in the knowledge that we’ll not refuse to accommodate them as that would have an impact on the DGCs.

In the grand scheme of things, this is just one day and not that important, but I just feel that they do this sort of thing frequently.

I’m now back in bed in a bad mood and DH is saying he’s going out for a walk. He asked me if I wanted to go with him, but I just matter-of-factly told him that I was in a bad mood and needed a bit of time to sulk. Childish, probably, but I just wish DH would grow a pair. Even to say that we’d actually made alternative arrangements but, in the circumstances, we’d cancel them but please try not to do this as we’ve now been inconvenienced would be better than just laughing and saying it’s no problem.

I think IABU sulking, especially since DH has a lot on his mind just now. But AIBU being pissed off? And what can we reasonably do to stop being taken for granted.

Sorry this is so long.

Perhaps children are at childminder’s until 5?
DIL can’t get there until half past?
I not sure what to say here I know it’s frustrating but they’ll be other days to go to cinema, I would mention it later just ask if they can be a bit more organised with pick ups

Llot or perhaps their son, the children’s father could get off his arse and pick his children up from the childminder? Given he’s got the day off work? It’s a bus, it’s two children. His wife and parents are all being inconvenienced by HIM.

I certainly wouldn't say anything to your DDIL. No good will come of it.

Explain your annoyance to you DH.

Your son sounds like he needs to be inconvenienced a bit!

Let them know you have health issues and perhaps need to step back for a bit.

If they are taking advantage, deal with it calmly by saying it doesn't suit.

Getting cranky, whilst understandably, won't solve anything if they don't realise why.
Good luck.

YANBU, you need to be careful that DS and DIL don't take FIL for granted.

One day a week isn't that much, but with FIL's cancer scare, it might be best to let DS know that they need to be prepared to take over the the pick-ups on Fridays too.

Thanks to everyone for posts, even (especially?) those pointing out that I’m being a tad unreasonable. It has all been a bit of a storm in a teacup and not really the biggest deal, but thanks for listening and responding.

I’m relatively new to MN, but I’m enjoying it.

My DS and DDIL are great parents, especially DDIL. They also have an 8-yr old DD (who’s out elsewhere today).

Finally, it has just dawned on me - why in heaven’s name are the DGCs at the childminder’s at all today when DS is off?? I think a PP might have asked that, but the penny’s just dropped. I’ll may well as DS this tonight if I get a chance.

If I have an odd day off that falls on a day baby is in nursery then she still goes in.

1. because i'm not paying 40 quid out just to keep her at home.
2. because it's a rare treat to have a day off all to myself.

If I was your DH and had a day off and a choice to use already paid for childcare or have a day to myself, I know which I'd choose .

Day off to yourself, absolutely! Getting someone else to pick up your kid when you've had the day off? Definitely not. Unless there was a good reason.

I think your dh is lovely for being willing to be flexible and help them out but I also understand why you're annoyed.

In addition as someone who's raised a child pretty much always using public transport AND who has on many occasions also cared for my siblings kids and taken up to 6 children on public transport inc 2 under 1 at one point I really am 🤔 at the idea that your ds either can't/doesn't want to either entertain his OWN 2 children for half an hour (few games of I spy, counting games, nursery rhymes etc the time would fly by) OR take them on a bus - again hardly an onerous task!

Your ds needs to step up! That doesn't necessarily mean learning to drive (though that would be a good idea too) but CERTAINLY as a parent!

Pretty shocking he can't manage his own 2 kids for 30 mins!

DO NOT say something - however mild - to DIL! Instead say something more stringent to your non-parenting son!

"he had his licence revoked as he got 2 lots of points for speeding in first 12 months and was under 25 at the time - it was a part of UK law that I hadn’t realised, but every day’s a school day" OMG! You really have raised an entitled arse! HE knew the law - it's part of the bloody test and well publicised! It's drummed into learners!

Quit infantilising and excusing him and (somewhat belatedly!) tell him to grow the fuck up and start acting like the adult and PARENT he is!

"It’s a bus, it’s two children. His wife and parents are all being inconvenienced by HIM." Absolutely!

He fucked up and you're all bending over backwards so that he doesn't feel the full consequences! I strongly suspect you've done that his whole life!

The kids may have still gone to the childminders because as pp said it can feel wasteful to be paying for one and not use them. The childminder may also have had something nice planned for them to do it your ds may have had appointments/tasks he was doing on his day off that it wasn't safe/appropriate to do while in charge of 2 very small children.

BUT he certainly can't excuse not entertaining them for 30 mins or getting on a bus with them!

Sorry wrote the learning to drive bit before the driving ban came up.

I hope you didn't ask your son that @CarolinaChina Parents are entitled to a day off as well!