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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being cautious about ILs driving Toddler on a motorway

47 replies

doingasurvey · 23/05/2019 20:05

My toddler is 3 soon.
FIL and MIL live locally, but often drive to another city to see MILs brother and his family, who live 40 miles away. It’s an A road and 2 motorways to get there. They have a car seat, which they use to take DC on local trips.
I’d say they visit this family once every 2 months. We know the family well too as they come and see us very often and they are very fond of DC

ILs have asked a few times if they can “give me a break and let them get DC out of my hair” by taking DC with them to see this family

I’ve always made excuses but now DH is asking what my problem is. He trusts his dad as a driver implicitly - he is only 60 and top of that, drives taxis, so is very very experienced. But my stomach goes in knots when I think of DC being driven down motorways if I’m not in the car also, and I know I will spend the whole time at home being anxious

I know IABU....how can I get over this hyper-anxiety?

OP posts:
APurpleSquirrel · 23/05/2019 20:10

What are you concerned will happen? & what do you imagine won't happen if you're in the car?

Gronky · 23/05/2019 20:10

If it helps, motorways are the safest road type in the UK, in 2017 just 5% of all fatal accidents occurred on motorways.

If you want a slightly infographicy source theres:
assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/744077/reported-road-casualties-annual-report-2017.pdf

and a raw numerical breakdown can be found here:
www.gov.uk/government/statistical-data-sets/ras30-reported-casualties-in-road-accidents#casualties-by-type-of-road

Birdie6 · 23/05/2019 20:11

I think you need to get over this. FIL is a taxi driver and drives that road frequently - I can't imagine anyone safer to drive your DC around. There isn't going to be an accident just because you're not in the car to supervise .

You need to grit your teeth and say "yes that would be lovely".

Trebla · 23/05/2019 20:13

Yabu and you need to address this anxiety as your child is going to need to be able to take some 'risks' to develop healthily and not learn your anxious responses.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2019 20:13

Well I know people will come along and say you dont need to let him go but it sounds like you trust them and would be happy fir them to visit with DC if it wasnt for the motorway. Your DH is obviously happy and its his DC as well. The only way you are going to get over it is by letting them do it and doing something during the day to take your mind off it.

makingmammaries · 23/05/2019 20:14

How will your DC go on school trips?

SquishySquirmy · 23/05/2019 20:18

Motorways are far safer than other roads - wide lanes, no contraflow, no other road users and your fil is a competent driver who knows the route well.
Would be different if you had genuine concerns over their driving abilities, or didn't trust them to use a car seat but this sounds like anxiety rather than a rational objection. I get it - there's stuff I felt irrationally anxious about when dc was tiny, but you do need to find a way to address it, sorry.

ForalltheSaints · 23/05/2019 20:20

Motorways are far safer than other roads as others have said. I'd be more concerned about the conversation from a taxi driver than anything else!

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 23/05/2019 20:20

Have they had an accident in the last ten years?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 23/05/2019 20:22

Flipping heck!

BogglesGoggles · 23/05/2019 20:22

I fail to see how driving down a motorway is any different to local driving. If anything I would imagine he’s less likely to be involved in an accident.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 23/05/2019 20:24

This sounds like quite a high level of anxiety. Is that something you’ve struggled with in the past? It might be worth mentioning to your GP. This level of concern can take the joy out of motherhood... or take the joy out of a kid-free day as the case may be! ;-)

ScreamScreamIceCream · 23/05/2019 20:25

YABU

Your FIL is:

  1. An experienced driver,
  2. Mature age but not to old so will drive at the right speed and pay attention
  3. Knows the route
  4. A taxi driver so use to passengers of all ages being distracting

In fact the last point probably means your DS is safer in the car with him then you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/05/2019 20:25

YABU. Let him go.

SquishySquirmy · 23/05/2019 20:26

By no other road users I mean it's just cars, vans lorries etc - no cyclists pulling out of a etc like on suburban or rural roads. less sudden braking, much greater separation between cars, lots of time and signage ahead of leaving the road and sliproads etc. No crossroads, confusing junctions, sharp bends or random idiots driving the wrong way down a one way street. Everything is much more "managed" on a motorway which makes them safer despite the increased speed.

kaytee87 · 23/05/2019 20:26

Yes yabu if that's the only reason you don't want your child to go. It's your anxiety that's the issue here.

Oblomov19 · 23/05/2019 20:26

You need to address your anxiety. This is not ok. Please go and see your GP.

kaytee87 · 23/05/2019 20:27

Has your DH never taken your toddler on a day out himself without you in the car?

LagunaBubbles · 23/05/2019 20:28

This isn't normal. You need help to deal with your anxiety.

Cyw2018 · 23/05/2019 20:30

YABU

I'm a paramedic, I will be expected to work including driving on blue lights until I'm 68, many of my colleagues are over 60 and perfectly safe drivers.

I imagine you FIL is a better and safer motorway driver than you OP since you obviously have a excessive fear of motorways. This is probably the issue you need to address, not you PILs driving.

ProperVexed · 23/05/2019 20:30

I understand your anxiety on this one, which has surprised me as I'm not known for empathy. Many years ago I felt exactly like this. To get over it I just had to let it happen. The in laws drove my dc on a longish journey.....and they all survived! Like most things, the first time is the worse. Subsequent trips held little anxiety.
Many years later I was a wreck when DS1 took his younger brother out in his car for the first time. Again they survived!
Big girl pants, breathe, drink wine and it will be fine.

InACheeseAndPickle · 23/05/2019 20:39

I'm quite cautious but unless you have a reason not to trust your inlaw's driving abilities I think you should make an effort to overcome your anxiety.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/05/2019 20:42

What difference would it make to have you in the car, unless you're driving?

If you were driving, it sounds like you'd be less safe.

Motorways are the safest roads.

FunkyKingston · 23/05/2019 20:45

Yabvu.

I thought this was gping to be about your FiL being a drink driver, having narcolepsy or a habitual speeder. Given that he is a professional driver on a road he knows well and thanks to his job probably a far better driver than you or your husband, you are beong more than a mite daft over this .

What so you think you ans you alone can do ro keep your daughter safe that they can't or won't do?

TheCrowdSayBoSecta · 23/05/2019 20:47

YABU but I don't think purposely so. You have an abnormal amount of anxiety over this that I think you should seek help for.

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