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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For being cautious about ILs driving Toddler on a motorway

47 replies

doingasurvey · 23/05/2019 20:05

My toddler is 3 soon.
FIL and MIL live locally, but often drive to another city to see MILs brother and his family, who live 40 miles away. It’s an A road and 2 motorways to get there. They have a car seat, which they use to take DC on local trips.
I’d say they visit this family once every 2 months. We know the family well too as they come and see us very often and they are very fond of DC

ILs have asked a few times if they can “give me a break and let them get DC out of my hair” by taking DC with them to see this family

I’ve always made excuses but now DH is asking what my problem is. He trusts his dad as a driver implicitly - he is only 60 and top of that, drives taxis, so is very very experienced. But my stomach goes in knots when I think of DC being driven down motorways if I’m not in the car also, and I know I will spend the whole time at home being anxious

I know IABU....how can I get over this hyper-anxiety?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 23/05/2019 20:49

Yeah yabu here
He's a competent driver

SmarmyMrMime · 23/05/2019 20:51

I was waiting for the reason why it's a problem... disdain for car seats... poor eyesight... terrible driving record... drink drives... failing health...

This is excessive anxiety speaking. Motorways are safe as PPs have said and your presence would make no difference to the very, very low risks.

If you are a driver, it would be worth doing some motorway driving with an instructor to help with your perspective about motorway driving.

Discogarden · 23/05/2019 20:56

My DH is the best driver I know, he is 1000x better than me and has never had an accident despite spending his youth as a proper boy racer and doing some stupid, stupid shit (which he wouldn't do now, obviously!). He's one of those people that driving comes very naturally to don't tell him I said any of that please!!. Sometimes he takes our kids out for the day to IL's holiday home at the coast and I don't like it. Once they were due back and the doorbell went. I couldn't get up to answer it (ds was about 7mths and dd was 3.5) because I KNEW, I really KNEW it was the police telling me something terrible had happened. I also knew it probably wasn't so I did go after a few heartstopping seconds and of course it wasn't. I don't like motorways at all but we live in London and I'm happy to pootle about there. It's something about the speed and it only taking a second for someone else to make a mistake that'll be life changing for you. I don't know really but I hate it.
Having said that, they go as regularly as they want to. Going down the motorway with a competent driver is not a risk we can't take and I will not let my kids miss out because of my irrational fear. They have no clue I feel this way and I encourage it (whole day to myself!!) but it's not nice during those hours where I know they're driving and I'm waiting.

Sparklesocks · 23/05/2019 20:56

Your child will need to eventually go on motorways to get from a to b, and you won’t always be there with him. And even if you are, you are no extra guarantee that he would be safe. Its best to start now on a relatively small journey (40 miles isn’t really that far especially with motorways involved) rather than you never letting him go, and letting your fears become worse and worse. The only way to overcome it is to confront it.

think about all the times you’ve driven, or have been driven, on motorways without incident. Yes accidents happen, but your FIL is a very experienced driver and your DH feels your son is safe with him.

With motorways, everyone is going straight, in the same direction, and the same speed. It’s safer than local roads which might have blind spots, cars/people shooting out of junctions without looking, people running red lights, varying speeds etc. If your PILs can navigate all that with your son in the car with no issues, they will be fine on the motorway too.

adaline · 23/05/2019 20:59

Motorways are the safest roads in the country.

And if something happened...what would you being in the car achieve?

SpecterLitt · 23/05/2019 21:03

You need to tackle this head on as it's nothing you really need to be stressing over. Perhaps, do the route with them once with your toddler in the car and see how you feel? But you cannot always be there, that is just ridiculous. Truthfully, you being there or not does not change anything.

Things can go wrong anywhere, but you cannot live a life in fear like this as you'll prevent not only your own quality of life but your children's too.

As others have mentioned, it is true that motorways are the safest to drive on.

Let this go, fight your fear and free yourself from this unnecessary burden.

Rosti1981 · 23/05/2019 21:04

YANBU because you are anxious, rather than unreasonable.... But you do need to address this anxiety and I think you should let them take your toddler. But anxious, not unreasonable. And I have felt very similarly in the past, so I get how difficult and debilitating these feelings can be.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2019 21:07

Your FIL is literally a PROFESSIONAL driver. He is only 60 years old. I would have him drive my children over an inexperienced 25 year old any day of the week. Please stop obsessing and release yourself from this anxiety provoking paranoia.

Twisique · 23/05/2019 21:09

If you don't feel comfortable with it then you don't have to say yes. Suggest that you feel a bit wobbly about it and you will re-visit the idea in a year. I wonder if part of it is because if there was an accident your son would be further away, while if local you could be right there in no time.

Original poster

doingasurvey · 23/05/2019 21:26

Thanks for the comments. I know I am BU, I recognise that it’s completely irrational

I drive on the motorway 3 times a work and used to do 100 mile trips every weekend when I was 19 for an internship that I had, I’m not scared of the motorway myself, but it’s just this fear of not being in my control when it involves my DC. i have driven DC 3 hours away with me before to see my friend in Kent, many times - never felt any fears, I guess it’s because I trust my own judgements and instincts, I’m in control, and I know I always drive safely, eg no reckless overtaking or undertaking, and stick to the speed limits. That sounds ridiculous, and I know I have no reason to suspect that FiL won’t drive safely, particularly as he has a taxi licence to think about, so I know it’s my mind running away with me

I remember when I was about 13, I read a newspaper article about some siblings who were killed in a pile up on the motorway but they weren’t with their parents. That story stuck with me for a while, maybe it’s that, I don’t know.
I will say yes to this weekend’s trip, and I know it will be fine.

OP posts:

ProperVexed · 23/05/2019 21:30

You are making perfect sense to me!

TheCrowdSayBoSecta · 23/05/2019 21:37

@doingasurvey good for you.
I know all my actions involving my dc are not rational - I think that's part of being. Parent. Recognising when you're being over the top, and when it is affecting others is important x

MyThirdBestWig · 23/05/2019 21:46

Good for you OP.

WhoWasIt · 23/05/2019 21:52

Your FIL is a better driver than you're giving him credit for. Please try to put your anxiety aside and let your little one go.
I drive my grandkids all over, including long journeys on the motorways and i can tell you that once they're in the car with me that i'm even more careful with my driving, as your FIL will be with your's.
No way would he take risks with precious family on board so please try to get past your anxiety.
Plus, if you let your child go this time, then you will find it easier the next time.

WhoWasIt · 23/05/2019 21:54

Just read your update OP. Good on you. Everything will be fine

SpecterLitt · 23/05/2019 21:55

Well done OP! I hope this weekend brings you some ease and comfort and things get better for you hereafter.

Fighting our fears is always the first step and the fact you did reach out shows that you do not want this to take over.

All the absolute best to you and your family.

InACheeseAndPickle · 23/05/2019 22:08

Well done OP. Anxiety is a real bitch, Glad you're trying to get past it.

Fakenametodayhey · 23/05/2019 23:10

I dont think you were being unreasonable.
40 miles is a long way to be away from your child and I know that I would be terrified the entire time if I had said yes.

I used to let my son go with my EVIL mother in law who i didnt trust and I would cry or be on edge the entire time and it was terrible.
I also said yes to my own mother who i did trust and loved and .... i still cried and even called them to bring him back!

I wasnt ready and that made school/ trips and everything else so much harder.
In contrast i learnt from my mistakes and nobody was allowed to take my daughter until i was comfortable letting her go (to be fair noone wanted her as she wasnt the first grandchild and the novelty had worn off).
I found it easier when she started nursery and i didnt worry at all on her first trip (which was a lot further than my sons first trip to a local shop!)

I think if he was 5 or 6 id be more inclined to let him go that far without me but if you arent ready yet then dont push it.
And i hate it when people try to "give you a break".

Unpopular opinion but i would wait until hes a little older and youre ready to let him be more indepenant.

There is a reason youre feeling like this- nd that reason kept babies and you g children alive

LadyRannaldini · 24/05/2019 20:22

Presumably at some early stage you and your OH drove your baby on the motorway for your first time, your in-laws have probably driven far more miles with a baby in the car than you have!

YouBumder · 24/05/2019 20:23

YABU and utterly ridiculous

LadyRannaldini · 24/05/2019 20:24

Fakenametodayhey

Wow, I feel so sorry for your son, such an anxious, possessive parent is a far greater danger to a child than a trip with grandparents, even in-laws.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 24/05/2019 20:41

Sorry ProperVexed but I snorted when I read this: I understand your anxiety on this one, which has surprised me as I'm not known for empathy

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