Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go and see IL's? Could be long

26 replies

LowFatMilkshake · 20/07/2007 13:44

I am an only child and both my parents have passed away. I have aunts and cousins etc, but all live miles and miles away so although we keep in touch I dont see them from year to year.

So DH's family are basically - for better or worse my family now. The cloesest of who are I have MIL and FIL, GD and A and BIL and SIL and 2 DN's.

Since we had our DC@s and B&SIL had thiers my MIL has become quite funny and competitive about seeing them and where they used to be happy to bring DH's GD and A with them they now try not to include them.

GD is quite poorly at the mo and has had a terrible week, the last time he left his house was when IL's bought him to see us the last weekend in May. A who lives with him works full time and spends all her time at home looking after him and would like to get both of them out of the house to see us.

But IL's are being quite evasive and underhanded intrying to avoid it , including saying if GD was not well enough to go to BIL's last weekend, how come he can make a 90 minute journey to us this weekend. Failing to take in to account that BIL had a short notice change of plan too and that no actual day had been agreed.

So I have now told DH we should drive down to them this weekend (they all live within 5 minutes of each other) He can take the DC@s to see his parents and I will stay with his GD and A.

This is all the family I have and they are behaving like children - it makes me so cross.

There is a lot more to this story that include MIL feigning illness etc to avoid travelling with GD (as they can both only sit in the front of the car etc). But this is the most recent event and I am fuming from it.

Sorry - cant even prmose rant over!

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 20/07/2007 14:03

BUMP - I know it's another IL thread but someone must have an opinion??? Your all such an opinionated lot!

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 20/07/2007 14:04

who are GD and A?

meandmyflyingmachine · 20/07/2007 14:05

I'm not quite sure what is going on. Sorry. Your dh'd grandfather and aunt want to visit you, and your MIL doesn't want them to?

Confused

Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 20/07/2007 14:17

RS - Grandad and Aunt

MMAFM - should have mentioned that A does'nt drive and GD is to old to use public transport.

Coming with IL's is the only way they have of getting to us, and before we all had DC's IL's never had a problem with this.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 20/07/2007 14:19

ok
so the issue is that your ILs won't take GD and aunt to see you (hence the driving), so you have suggested you go to see them
is that right?

meandmyflyingmachine · 20/07/2007 14:20

Right. So you want ILs to bring them and they don't want to?

meandmyflyingmachine · 20/07/2007 14:20

Why would you go to stay with granfather and aunt while your dh and dc stay with ILs. If they live so close?

louii · 20/07/2007 14:26

This is very confusing sorry, why dont you just go and visit grandad if you want to see him.

Poor grandad if he had been poorly an hour and a half car journey is not very fair.

Why should the inlaws have to provide a taxi service, go and pick them up yourself if you are so bothered.

Dont really understand what your problem is here.

meandmyflyingmachine · 20/07/2007 14:28

Or are you ILs planning on coming this weekend but without the others?

Agree that poor old grandad might be better off withot a long car journey.

RubySlippers · 20/07/2007 14:30

i still don't understand

IMHO, go and see them especially if GD is poorly - a 1.5 hour car journey won't be nice for him
if they are behaving like children, you be the grown up

meandmyflyingmachine · 20/07/2007 14:31

LFM.

We require explanation!

Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 20/07/2007 14:53

Right,GD has had a bad week but is feeling better this end of it than at the begining, and feels up to a journey to get him out of the house and see us and his GGC. Bearing in mind that discounting hospital apts he has not been out since the last weekend in May

IL's say,

  1. because he turned down BIL last weekend it is not right he should see us this weekend
  2. MIL has said she has bad back and could not endure car journey in the back if GD came - as he normally has the front.

Mine, GD and A's response is -

  1. GD said he feels better and wants to get out, and the two weekends are not connected also B&SIL also had to change plans for last weekend, so would have cancelled it themselves anyway.
  2. GD in his desperation to get out has offered to spend the journey in the back of the car so MIL and "bad back" can sit in the front.

But because there is now a storm brewing between A and FIL over this I have said to DH that we should visit GD and cheer him up, we'll do the driving (with our 3yr old and 7 month old baby).

So I am asking if it is unreasonable for me to then stay with GD and A while DH takes our DC's to his parents for an hour. As I am so cross over this whole situation that I dont think I could stand to be around them without opening my mouth and really starting something - (MIL has a history of being manipulative and I hold grudges ).

But if we go we can at least also have spend a little time with BIL and SIL as our older DC's play so well together, but hardly see each other as IL's always invade because they want to see the GC together to take photo's - and of course the children (2yrs and 3 yrs) love being made to pose together instead of playing....

OP posts:
meandmyflyingmachine · 20/07/2007 14:58

I don't think you can just expect your ILs to drive for three hours just so you can see grandad and aunt.

And if you are going to see them and then refuse to visit your ILs, sending your dh and dc without you, then you are being a bit childish TBH. One hour. Grin and bear it.Or you will just give her ammunition...

Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 20/07/2007 14:59

MAMFM I thought you;d be on my side!

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 20/07/2007 15:01

What happened to families pulling together. MIL and FIL were coming to see us anyway - why can't they bring two passengers?

OP posts:
CarGirl · 20/07/2007 15:04

I see where you are coming from - MIL seems to want to control who sees who, when etc! TBH honest I think it is fine if you stay with GD & A whilst your dh goes visit his Mum, why not????? Where is there a law written that you have to go en masse?

Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 20/07/2007 15:06

Thank you CarGirl - BTW, I am a bit childish that I behave in a tit-for-tat manner with MIL. And DH doesnt have a problem with me being that way in light of her current behaviour

OP posts:
CarGirl · 20/07/2007 15:10

I only just realised that the IL's were supposed to be coming anyway and why on earth are you not allowed to see BIL & SIL without them there, most people would encourage it!

lizziemun · 20/07/2007 15:40

Right, having re-read your op (understanding gd & a). I would say that what you are suggesting is a good compromise, everyone get to see your children.

If MIL say's anything i would be inclined to say that as GD is not well enought to travel and because her "bad" back that you are taking over doing the travelling.

Perhaps your dh could suggest when MIL ask's where you are that when you got to GD & A they asked if you could do a few little jobs for them while you were there. (This is what my GD does when we visit him).

bozza · 20/07/2007 15:51

Are the grandad and aunt on your FIL or MIL's side? I suspect FILs because what your MIL is doing is typical IL type behaviour.

meandmyflyingmachine · 20/07/2007 15:54

I am on your side re the MIL. But tit for tat loses you the moral high ground. My MIL drives me bonkers.I nod and smile. Life is too short.

Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 20/07/2007 20:38

Just had a chat with A and then SIL and everyone has different stoires, so I wash my hand of the lot of them, not going to London and have told DH not to invite them here. Am sick of trying to make eveyone happy

SIL and I have agreed we will keep in touch and make sure we see each other but the others can go to hell!

Am sat here in tears over a fmily that is'nt even mine! No more

OP posts:
LowFatPumpkinJuice · 23/07/2007 09:44

E-mailed A to tell her what had happened in conversation with SIL and ventred my spleen about everyone ssaying diffferent things, and although mainly aimed at IL's and SIL, I should not have done this when I was feeling so miserable as now I have upset A and GD the only people in DH's family who really matter to me

alicet · 23/07/2007 12:14

I understand why you are so p*ssed off with this situation but I think you are probably getting unneccessarily involved and making it into more of a big deal than it is. In the end you have ended up cutting your nose off to spite your face and now won't see any of the people you want to see and your grandad who was 'desperate' to get out now won't be able to.

I think you should back off and let your dh calm the waters. Then decide where to go from there. Your MIL does sound like a controlling nightmare but I agree with meandmyflying machine that you are better going along with some of her foibles to keep the moral high ground. And if you want to see BIL and SIL on their own then put your boot down. We have had to do this too and it wasn't pretty but in the end she understood and now its much easier as a result

LucyJones · 23/07/2007 12:26

Poor you
I would not email or phone anyone - it's dh's family and up to him to sort out all these arrangements, not you.
Just leave it all up to him next time and stay out of it.