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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a miscarriage is not ‘basically the same’ as an abortion?

97 replies

AnneTwackie · 23/05/2019 14:08

I told an old friend that I’m having a hard time because of a miscarriage and she said she said that my hormones must be haywire because hers were last year after her abortion. I said it’s completely different circumstances and she said ‘yeah but basically the same thing’. Yes she’s insensitive, but is she right i.e the hormones?

OP posts:

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 23/05/2019 17:47

Emotionally they are completely different - I think I would have slapped her if she said that to me. I wanted every one of my 5 miscarried babies and you can't compare that to someone who deliberately chose to end their pregnancy

cranstonmanor · 23/05/2019 18:30

I was doing better physically and mentally after my 8 week miscarriage than my colleague after her 16-week abortion. She was in no way to keep the child and it was an unplanned pregnancy but it devastated her.

cranstonmanor · 23/05/2019 18:36

. I wanted every one of my 5 miscarried babies and you can't compare that to someone who deliberately chose to end their pregnancy

Surely that depends on the reason why they aborted. Because too young and no money, can't take care of it. Not wanting to bring a child into a house with an abusive partner. Things like that. Women might want the baby, but choose to end it to save it from misery.

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2019 18:40

It annoys me when people think it is all black and white when it comes to abortion. Like people just think women happily skip to the abortion clinic and feel super duper afterwards because it was a choice and that’s that done and dusted.

ValleyoftheHorses · 23/05/2019 18:40

I had a termination for medical reasons and I have it written on my medical notes that if anyone needs to refer to it (they don’t now but when I was ttc and pregnant with DS they did), they have to call it a miscarriage.
I didn’t choose to not to have a baby, my baby was poorly.
Having said that issues around this type of thing are upsetting for all

YesQueen · 23/05/2019 18:48

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted I desperately wanted my baby. I ended up with PTSD after my termination, it's 6 years on and I have regret every single day. Ended up suicidal and on antidepressants. I had no other choice, it was a forced termination (blackmailed basically, also no money)

Oblomov19 · 23/05/2019 18:53

No, I don't think they are the same. I've experienced both. One was a decision. One is out of your control. Entirely different.

sweetkitty · 23/05/2019 19:06

Happened to a friend of mine, they had an abortion unplanned pregnancy correct decision for them at the time but I think there must have been some underlying maybe guilt or something as within months they were pregnant again on purpose.

Timide · 23/05/2019 19:18

No. It is not the same. With a miscarriage your body is "prepared" or at least knows what is going on. With an abortion it is just a thunderstorm in a blue sky. She is insensitive. And she has no clue what you are going through. I hope you are going to be well soon! Sorry for your loss.

Rarfy · 23/05/2019 19:22

It's definitely not the same depending on your circumstances although there are blurred lines I suppose.

A lot of miscarriages are wanted pregnancies but that's not to say that people who have an abortion don't want the baby. There may be many reasons whilst it's just not possible to continue.

The physical process and hormones involved are pretty much the same so she is right in what she says except if you really wanted the baby I'm assuming the hormones make and emotional time even more so.

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

AnneTwackie · 23/05/2019 19:24

Though I was primarily interested in how similar the two were from a physical point of view I’m not saying abortion is any less difficult, just different.
My first pregnancy was unplanned, I was young, poor and single but I couldn’t have gone through with a termination. I knew I’d always feel sadness, guilt and regret, whereas now I feel sad, blameless but helpless. I actually think it takes a certain amount of courage to have a termination.

OP posts:

Rarfy · 23/05/2019 19:27

I can only speak from experience. Two missed miscarriages. First one I had to take the same tablets as people who have an abortion do as baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks and I was still pregnant at 14weeks. Complications with that resulted in me having erpc and I also had an erpc for my second mmc due to the problems with my first. Same process physically as an abortion as far as I know.

loveskaka · 23/05/2019 19:30

No it's not the same thing, u had no choice she did! She could have had a perfectly healthy baby! You didn't get the chance. She is being very in sensitive and no it's not ur hormones, u lost a foetus, I have never had a miscarriage and find it quite distressing even thinking about it. Sorry for you pain. 💐 x

MitziK · 23/05/2019 19:33

Physically - nearly identical when taking pills. Surgically - identical procedure (EPOC).

Hormonally - almost identical - HCG present, then not. All other hormones also fall quickly to pre pregnancy levels (including the ones that contribute towards post natal depression).

Emotionally - your mileage may vary. Some people can look on a miscarriage as something that happens. Some people can look upon a termination as something that was necessary. Some people are bereft at a miscarriage, feel guilt, shame and regret - and some who feel for any reason that they had no choice but to terminate, whether it was due to domestic abuse, a partner forcing them because they've changed their mind, left or otherwise bullied her into it, bereavement, financial issues, health issues, whatever led to signing the form, can feel exactly the same emotions - including an overwhelming desire to be pregnant again.

Many terminations are of wanted pregnancies. It's unfair to assume that those women feel nothing, even if they are sure in their own mind that it was the best choice in the circumstances.

Emmapeeler · 23/05/2019 19:39

I was heartbroken after my forced termination and ended up having nearly a year of counselling. It wasn't my decision and it was a mess

Gth1234 · 23/05/2019 19:49

A miscarriage is nothing like an abortion. A miscarriage is the accidental loss of a wanted baby. An abortion is the deliberate loss of an UN-wanted baby.

YesQueen · 23/05/2019 19:54

@Gth1234 not all abortions are of unwanted pregnancies

Emmapeeler · 23/05/2019 20:00

Actually Gth, an abortion is not always because the baby is unwanted by the woman. There are many threads on here, all the time, about women being pressurised into having one. Ante-natal depression can also make women feel desperate and helpless.

JacquesHammer · 23/05/2019 20:05

An abortion is the deliberate loss of an UN-wanted baby

Please educate yourself. There are countless reasons why women have abortion, many of them nothing to do with whether the baby is wanted.

Isthisafreename · 23/05/2019 22:55

@Gth1234 - A miscarriage is nothing like an abortion. A miscarriage is the accidental loss of a wanted baby. An abortion is the deliberate loss of an UN-wanted baby.

An abortion can be spontaneous or induced. Miscarriage is simply another term for a spontaneous abortion. An induced abortion may be because of an "UN-wanted" baby or it may be for one of a myriad of reasons.

Laiste · 24/05/2019 08:25

@Gth1234 - A miscarriage is nothing like an abortion. A miscarriage is the accidental loss of a wanted baby. An abortion is the deliberate loss of an UN-wanted baby.

What dogmatic, short sighted bollocks.

For a start - why would every miscarriage be of a deliberately conceived and wanted baby? Some miscarriages will be a relief just as much as SOME abortions are.

Secondly it takes a serious lack of imagination to not be able to work out that many aborted babies were deliberately conceived and very much wanted.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 24/05/2019 09:29

I’ve had both. My termination when my son was 2 months old. I’d caught despite being on the mini pill and breast feeding. I was young and knew I could not have another baby, I’d just started my degree. So it was best for us all. I think about that baby every. single.day.

I later went on to have several miscarriages whilst on the pill. I always found out when my period arrived and it was more painful, clots etc. Would go to the GP to be told I had lost a baby. Strangely these didn’t upset me- I was actively preventing pregnancy by taking the pill, I didn’t know until I bled I was pregnant. So I had no emotional attachment. That may seem strange to some but 🤷🏻‍♀️That’s my story.

(Oh and i was later told I was ‘hyper fertile’ hence being able to get pregnant whilst on the pill, and also when trying for ds2, we only had sex once and I was pregnant. I now have a coil, no periods, but religiously test every 2 weeks to be on the safe side)

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