To think you can never truly be free of depression

[Alwaysawomantome]

Yesterday I woke up and the familiar brain fog had returned. All I wanted to do was to throw myself off a bridge just to make it stop. I didn't want to die. I just wanted to brain fog to stop. I couldn't feel happy, I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I phoned in sick and stayed at home. I just wanted to be around my family. Today the brain fog is a little better but I still feel super down but I definitely feel better. I'm not currently on anti-depressants and haven't been for a while. I've had 2 bouts of PND in the past and do suffer with anxiety. I dont feel like me when taking antidepressants and become a completely different person.
I can go weeks or even months without feeling depressed but then suddenly it will hit me out of nowhere. I will sink into such bad depression, living feels like the worse thing and being happy seems impossible. It doesn't last long, a few days maybe 2 weeks at the most. I always do get through it somehow and carry on with my life. When I'm not going through this, I'm so happy. My life is perfect and I've got the most wonderful family. I just wonder if I will ever be free of grips of depression.

TLDR: I get depressed for a few days at a time every few months. Will it end?

I didn't get on with antidepressants either and struggled with coming off them. I now take some St John's wort which seems to help a bit. It is given on prescription in Germany, but not here.

Have you tried any kind of contraception that stops you ovulating?

@Moralitym1n1 the contraceptive pill causes me hemiplegic migraines. As my husband has had a vasectomy, it seemed somewhat superfluous to explore alternative options.

On dear, is it all pills, progestogen only too?
I suppose implants might be the same?

I’m the same as you op except I’ve never taken ad. Suffered severe pnd and trauma after dd1 thanks to a very unkind sil who almost destroyed me. I am better but like you, have days of thinking about ending it all. Days later I’m ok and cry when putting my children to sleep thinking how i could even contemplate leaving them without a mother.
I think it’s a black hole that once opened never entirely disappears and can trigger very easily but I do everything in my power to try and avoid triggers. I’m not always successful though but I’m still here

Yanbu. Me and the black dog generally rub along without any big dramas these days. After 30 years I don't think he's going anywhere though.

After PND, I firmly believe that it is still within me, and sometimes rises to the surface, I have found that regular reflexology helps me.

I am going through similar to you OP! Although mine is more severe anxiety than depression, although I can feel very down at times and have had depression in the past.
I have a lovely life, I'm getting married in just over 2 weeks and have a wonderful family! No children of my own yet but hopefully will soon.
I had a bad month in March where my anxiety was so bad and I took a week off work, I can't seem to cope with work when I'm this bad. I seemed to be coping well from March until this morning when I woke up and felt AWFUL! I cried for hours, felt sick, panic attack's and couldn't go to work! Luckily I have an understanding employer. It's so strange how it can come and go! I don't have any advice as I'm struggling too at the moment, I just wanted you to know your not alone be kind to yourself and do things that make you feel good!

@Moralitym1n1 I have only ever been on pop, so the doctor is unwilling to try me on anything else because they say it will do the exact same thing. In only started after I had my second.

It is comforting to know I am not alone. Hopefully in time I will find ways to better manage the dark days. I truly hope that everyone else that is suffering gets the relief they need. It's so sad knowing so many people feel this way. Mental health is so cruel.

@Lozzy25 thank you for sharing your experience. I hope better days are to come for you! Congratulations on getting married. I hope you have an amazing day

I'm on ads and have been since I was in my early 20s - I'm 48 now. I've tried coming off them and it really doesn't work!

Even on them (and on a mood stabiliser too!) I get days where I feel totally worthless- today being one of them unfortunately!

It will never leave me, I'm pretty resigned to being on them for the rest of my life now.

Oh @weegiemum that's totally pants. I hope you're feeling better now after a rubbish day.

@M3lon sorry for the late reply.
I don't know what treatment is available sorry but there's quite a lot of information online. I think it's called pre menstrual dysmorphic disorder. I've never had an official diagnosis but I know it's what I have, my doctors are awful and I don't bother going anymore. There's lots of info online, Mind charity have a good section on it. If the person you know who's suffering can tolerate hormonal contraceptives then they can help level things out, for me they make matters worse. Worth them speaking to their GP, finding one that will listen is difficult though.
I've woken up with bad anxiety today as I'm approaching ovulation. It will go on for a few days then ebb away until a week before my period. It took me a long time to make the connection, I find using a period tracker app helpful as I can look up where I am if I'm feeling wobbly and it usually explains things.

Sometimes it's subconscious things too OP. I woke feeling anxious and low the day after an argument with DH for example and hadn't realised how much it had upset me.

My triggers seem to be being overtired and also days when I have too much planned to do, so I really try to ensure my days are as non eventful and as calm as I can make them. Over tiredness is the worst trigger though.

This could be me too.
Interestingly I also have VitB and VitD deficiency.

I’m not on AD either but I do supplement to increase the Vitamins now. It’s definitely gotten better for me overtime.

@Preggosaurus9 @Skandinaviem Please could you recommend some good resources about ketogenic/high protein diet. Thank you.

Watch for your age too, v.early 40s I was feeling awful brain fog. I started HRT (after trying diet & exercise) which has helped ease symptoms but as my levels of Oestrogen are naturally dropping the cyclical brain fog & crying / low mood is returning more frequently. Fresh Air and exercise is my saviour especially when I really don’t want to go it benefits me the most.

I would genuinely say I've been free of depression at points in my life (I have absolutely no depression symptoms at the moment) BUT I do feel like it's always this lurking possibility round the corner. Every time I do feel a bit low in an ordinary way I have 'what if this is the start of it all again?' at the back of my mind. I didn't get PND but how prone I was likely to be to it was always at the back of my mind, and shaped my first few months of motherhood. I recently had surgery under general anesthestic and felt really low for about a week afterwards and kept thinking 'what if this doesn't go away and I'm back in the place where I want to die' (it did go away, as abruptly as it came, and I'm sure it was a result of the GA itself).

I think when you've been in a place so horrible that you never want to go back there it's normal for there to be an ongoing, just over your shoulder fear that you will - it doesn't make it any nicer to live with, though.

Definitely look at the ketogenic diet. The research is just catching up but go to ANY forum on the keto diet and people will universally say that their depression and anxiety improves on this way of eating.

There is a book called the Inflamed Mind which absolutely refutes the notion that depression is just something to be treated as a 'psychological' problem. He is a psychiatrist with many decades of experience and basically, if the mind is inflamed (which can be diet related, especially carbs and sugar) then you are more likely to have 'brain fog' / depression.

www.amazon.co.uk/Inflamed-Mind-radical-approach-depression/dp/1780723504?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Tie those things together - high carb diets inflame your body, including your mind, and an inflamed mind leads to depression, I would absolutely give it a try. You have nothing to lose!

I have never had depression but I have been keto for a few years now and can categorically state that my levels of brain fog have reduced significantly, my energy and zest for life has increased massively and I haven't even had a cold for all of this time - my body feels like it works properly again.

www.dietdoctor.com/low-carb/mental-health

Here is a balanced view of the ketogenic diet, from a reliable resource. www.health.harvard.edu/blog/ketogenic-diet-is-the-ultimate-low-carb-diet-good-for-you-2017072712089

In regards to the original post, I think of depression like diabetes- you're never really cured, but it can be managed to a point where it doesn't rule your life- but it requires self-maintenance, sometimes with the help of a professional. I personally haven't gotten to the point where it doesn't rule my life.

I always suffered depression, and I believe I never will again now. What helped me was taking a very strong b vitamin complex.

The one I take is like 300% your RDA.

Within 12 hours, brain fog, GONE!

Within one week, low mood, GONE!
And suddenly, I'm enjoying things like my hobbies again. Please, try it. It's so easy.

Like this one: www.amazon.com/Nature-Made-Complex-Vitamin-Tablets/dp/B018EAQB0A?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I think tiredness is definitely a trigger for me. I woke this morning and refused to open my eyes. I just started crying and couldn't face being awake. This morning was definitely hard but my husband got me through. I'm only 30, so I'm hoping to avoid HRT for sometime.

I'm reluctant to take any different vitamins than I do. I'm currently on b12 injections with my GP but I will discuss other vitamin options with them. This thread has really helped me over the last 2 days. Thank you to everyone who shared their experiences and views. And to everyone who shared what helps them. I have lots to look into.

@ProfessorSillyStuff are there any side effects to taking such a high dose? I've a very sensitive stomach

@Alwaysawomantome I hope you're feeling better soon. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Try and do little things you enjoy even if it's small things. Also if you can exercise and get out in daylight it will help. Here if you need to come back and talk. Sometimes just knowing you're not suffering alone helps.