Aibu to wonder if my parents are Alcholics

[spicypickel]

NC for this as it's just embarrassing my parents are nearly 50 had us when they was younger and went on to have four more kids together ranging now from 3 to 10.
They drink nearly every day and it isn't just one bottle of wine together it's four bottles together, mainly they drink booze in a can but if they have cans they'll buy a crate so say you get 3 for £20 or something in Asda they will have maybe 36 cans between them and they'll be gone in one night maybe two days.
The house is disgusting like actually disgusting they constantly have coughs or colds or vomiting bugs as nothing is ever cleaned properly or touched.
Us older lot sometimes babysit for the younger lot so they can go out but when they go out they have drunken fights and rows and come home separate kicking off then back to being in love the next day

, the thing that makes me wonder if they are alcoholics is that they can actually go a few days without drinking , and my mother actually works and holds the job down

They don't seem to even have hangovers and my dad can be drinking from 9am after the school run.
I don't even know why I'm posting here but it's just a joke now like I don't know what to do or say no more their attitude is shit and I feel sorry for my siblings being around them. I'm in my mid 20s I have my own kids to deal with without them on top of it. I don't know what to say writing letters would be of no interest to them probably laugh it off and call you a shit stirrer or say your being a dramatic

Another few examples of how drink is important to them.

I said I wanted to get married soon to my partner my mum was making jokes about buying cocaine for the wedding party.

They was given tickets to an exclusive show except they didn't make the show as they got so wasted they ended up rowing outside of it and missed it

Every day out as a child was to do with them drinking, if we went to a lido they had a picnic and drink, if we went zoo they had drink, if we went on holiday they was at the bar and we would do our own thing and come back when we needed money or a drink or something.

Every weekend would be a party at our house without fail.

Yes, they sound like alcoholics tbh

But they still do normal stuff like working etc and going on holiday sometimes the kids miss school but that's rare. I sound thick but just always thought maybe their generation just loved a drink because that's what all of their friends used to do too.

They sound like functioning alcoholics OP. Able to carry on with everyday tasks but rely on drink nonetheless. Some of your anecdotes hit home for me as I grew up in a similar environment but I don't have much advice. I think trying to put your foot down will only exacerbate the situation but with younger kids to think about it's not so simple.

Definitely alcoholics. People don't have to be down and out to be alcoholics and you even get binge drinking alcoholics who won't drink constantly but have a skewed relationship with alcohol.

Every 'Am I/is my sister/is my boss/is XYZ an alcoholic thread I've posted on, I've thought 'nope'. (MN seems to think if you have a couple of glasses of wine a night, or enjoy getting tipsy now and again, or choose to not drive so you can have a cocktail, you're an alcoholic).

Except this one. Yes OP. Yes they are! DEFINITELY.

Yes and it sounds like your siblings need help too.

But they still do normal stuff like working etc and going on holiday sometimes the kids miss school but that's rare. I sound thick but just always thought maybe their generation just loved a drink because that's what all of their friends used to do too.

No. Most people in their late 40s don't behave like this. Obviously their friends do because people tend to gravitate towards those who are similar, and alcoholics love to be around other drinkers who will justify their consumption. Even handier if there are some worse than them so they can say "see I'm not as bad as x, therefore I don't have a problem." If they really do drink as much as you say and have done for many years they will likely start to have health issues because of it as they get into their 50s. That seems to be the age that it starts to catch up with people. I feel bad for your younger siblings.

Thanks for the replies I don't know what to do there's me and my other two siblings who are all similar ages, then there's a second lot who was born 10 years after my youngest sibling and tbh it's not great. Dads always in a shit mood except when he's drunk he's lovely but soon as that wears off he's just shit, my mum is just a bitter person and when she drinks she's even worse and very argumentative. I honestly don't think I can help them but I feel sorry for my siblings a lot, I try to have them at my house sometimes but they go wild and destroy it and it's hard work. All our childhood was spent in the pub literally every day most days after school we'd go to the pub and stay there till late or closing, until weekends when it was parties at the house

They do drink like this and they always have it's funny you say about health problems coming to light at this age, my mum not to long ago had an op done that the hospital had told her was more for older elderly patients I won't write what it is just incase they somehow see this thread but that was weird.

I would say I drink too much but this is really quite a shocking level of alcohol addiction. Not being able to stop after having one or two, drinking to excess, never having a break from it. It will be seriously impacting their health.

Whats the longest they can go without drinking?

@Bouledeneige I think they went actually about 10 days once last year some time to prove to us they can be without drink but then soon as they started again it was just the same amount.

Well it's good they managed it last year. But if they are now usually drinking those amounts on a daily basis they will be not only potentially neglecting their young children but also risking major illness or early death. Plus, alcohol is likely to increase feelings of depression and cause arguments or mood swings which they would control if sober.

You probably need, with your siblings to present a united front - to stage an intervention. But in reality if they are drinking at this level cutting down may well not be an option, abstinence the only real choice and that will be very hard for them without professional help. Get them to go to the GP and be honest about their alcohol consumption.

I like a drink as much as the next person but that is seriously dangerous levels that they are drinking. And to have done it for so many years it would be surprising if they haven't done lasting damage. It's shit OP but you can't make them stop if they don't want to. All you can is try to detach as much as possible which must be hard when there are younger siblings involved. Have you considered getting SS involved? Maybe if all of you sat down and addressed it they might start to think about it but it sounds like you've already done that if they quit for a bit to "prove" that they could .

Do they drive? Or maybe I should say drink and drive as they would never be under the limit if they drink 2 bottles of wine a day.

Hold on.

They have seven kids. 3 in their 20s, and then four more aged between 3 and 10? Is that correct? Surely I've misunderstood...

Sorry for being glib, but if your mother is a coke using alcoholic with seven kids who holds down a job then I'm pretty impressed!

About 90% of alcoholics are what is termed "functional alcoholics". (I was told this by someone in AA who visited my nursing class.) This means that they can hold down a job, even raise a family, while still drinking much more than they should. Only about 10% of alcoholics are on "skid row".

I think, given what you describe, it's very possible that your parents are functional alcoholics.

Unfortunately the only way they will get help is if THEY choose to get it. You can't make them do that.

You and your siblings may like to consider attending Al-Anon (for people affected by a loved one's drinking) or Adult Children of Alcoholics. When your youngest siblings get a little older, they may like to consider attending Alateen, which is for young people affected by a loved one's drinking.

My parents were always employed and we lived in a nice home. To the outside we appeared to be a storybook middle class family.

They were both raging alcoholics.

They wont change until they want to. they are alcoholics that is very clear but you cant make them stop only they can. what you and your siblings can do is to think about the younger kids and do what you can to protect them.

1. have a confidential chat with social services and raise your concerns with them. they will not tell your parents they have done this.
2. if they drive, speak to the local police. they are a danger on the road.
3. try and spend as much quality time with your younger siblings as possible. show them that their home life is not normal and give them a regular escape from it. take it in turns with your siblings.
4. spend more time with the younger ones than with your parents, they will thank you for it when they are older.

yes, alcohol abuse on this scale will start to have some major impacts on your parents life. functioning alcoholics can lead a seemingly normal life outwardly but the damage to the insides of their body continues. make sure that the parents have some sort of will in relation to guardians for the younger ones in the event of premature death. because you and they should be under no illusions - this level of alcohol consumption and abuse will lead to an early death. sorry to be blunt especially as its your mum and dad but thats the facts. also if you can speak to their gp confidentially again and raise your concerns. a blood test will show the doctor the true extent of what is going on. good luck OP its a seriously shit situation to be in.

Sorry only just seeing the replies now they don't drive, there's 6 of us me and two siblings who are in our 20s and another set that are very young I don't know why they started again when we grew up more. They do live in a nice house but it's the inside of the house that is just filthy.
Me and my siblings tried to talk to them before but they laughed it off and said we can hardly talk if we go partying but this was a whilst ago now I don't think it'll change now if anyone thinks this is made up I'm more than happy to provide screen shots of texts from my sibling yesterday who was baby sitting and had to deal with another of their bust ups.

Please make a call to social services or speak to the children's school safeguarding lead, or both.

I had an upbringing similar to yours - sibling 10 years younger, alcoholic parent. It didn't get really bad until my sibling was mid teens but it meant they got out. They're currently living independently (since 16 with external support), at uni, working, doing really well considering.

I was the much younger sibling with alcoholic parents and whatever you can do to show them normality will be remembered and appreciated. I remember calling my ds at 12 to come and get me so I could stay with her when my dm was bad (df is now also an alcoholic but worked away a lot at that time). Silly thinks like her making me hot chocolate, washing my uniform and stuff gave me an indication of what was appropriate and gave me a huge sense of security at difficult times.

My mum's drinking ended up giving her duodenal ulcers and she eventually died quite young due to this and smoking related illnesses. It's hard and I feel awful for saying it but it's the reality and you whatever you can do for your siblings goes a long long way.

Just from what you’ve said, they do sound like they could be alcoholics, functioning ones.
I work with a lad not much older than me, and he turns up to work every day, on time, does everything that he needs to and does it all correctly. He drinks a case of beer every day, with spirits in between cans. Even on his breaks from work he walks home to have a drink and comes back. As he’s never been a hazard or caused any issues work allow him to carry on. He tells me he feels like I’m the only one there he can talk to. He’s spoken to me at length, he wants to give up, but hasn’t got the mentality right now and I think that’s what someone needs; a reason to do it.
He gets bought alcohol for birthdays and Christmas by his family, yet they nag him to go to the doctors for help. He went to get bloods done once, and is meant to go fortnightly. He didn’t even get the results, and he hasn’t been back since because he knows somethings going to be wrong and doesn’t want to hear it yet.
I’m a blunt person, and I’ve said to him as nicely as it can be said that if he carries on he’ll end up in an early grave. He’s not thick, he knows it, but he isn’t ready. I’ve told him I’m always there for him and whenever he feels ready, I’ll happily go with him to anything he needs. Other workies think he’s just a waste of space, but they haven’t took the time to actually speak to him.

It may be cruel to be kind, but I agree with @mummymeister and get the ball rolling. Support networks are hugely important so if you feel you can be there for them emotionally and mentally, be there.

I thought you were going to describe something much less extreme. Yes it does sound like they're alcoholics. I hope they're willing to get some help at some point in the future.

On the generational thing, I’m mid 40s, DP is late 40s. We’re nothing like this, and neither are any of our friends. (With the exception of one friend’s DH, who we recently found out drinks similar amounts to your parents and everyone is pretty shocked and thinks he’s clearly an alcoholic). In fact, we’ve recently gone from being moderate/social drinkers to cutting way down to drinking only occasionally precisely because we have young children (we started late!) and we wanted to be healthier for longer for them, as well as having more energy and clarity on a day to day basis.

I wonder if you need any support, pet? I know you’re worried about young younger siblings but this is tough on you and presumably you grew up in a similar environment? I’ve got no personal experience but people on here often recommend Al-Anon for the families of alcoholics