AIBU or is DH? Refusing to speak to me

[Laughingstock1]

Married for 10 years, two DDs. DH and I follow a religion that don’t allow dating or sex before marriage, and DH has always been honest about his past and I was married briefly before meeting DH. Until now DH has always thought that I’ve only been with two men, him and exDH. But the reality is I’ve been with a few guys before meeting DH, I just never told him this because I was embarrassed of my past even when he asked me before marriage and was honest about his past. We were speaking about something, and I just decided to tell him yesterday, he was shocked but didn’t say much. He’s now just sent me a text saying that he’s furious I’ve ‘deceived’ him for 10 years, I’m not the person he thought I was, he’s become a ‘laughing stock’ and all these years I ‘knew’ etc. I think he’s got over the initial shock and it’s starting to sink in. He’s asked for space and I will give him that. A part of me understands why he’s upset, but there’s also another part of me that just feel like my past is my past and it shouldn’t matter. AIBU?

I agree that your past is your past. However, the moment to own this truth was when he asked you, before you married and when he was honest with you.

Why did you decide to come clean 10 years later? How did you expect him to react? I don’t know your husband, however, I feel you have, in my opinion, deceived him. Not by having previous partners, but by lying.

I hope you can work it out.

Yes, past is the past. But it sounds like he is not upset about you hooking up with guy, but about you lying. You didnt just not share the information, you lied when asked.

This is probably not a deal breaker, but i would be upset aswell.

Oh dear. I guess he just doesn't feel that you are he person he thought you were. Give him some time.

Why is he a laughing stock??

You decide to tell him.... after TEN years of marriage ? I’d of just left it at that stage.

I suppose now he’s worrying what else you could be lying about after all this time.

You should have kept quiet imo.

DH and I both have....colourful pasts. We had an honest conversation about it when we were dating. I thought my number was high but was gobsmacked when he told me his. I'm glad I know but it did make me take pause for a moment. I'm pleased he gave me that option to decide if I had a problem with it.
The moment you lie, the relationship changes

Sorry, i think yabu.
Theres absolutely nothing wrong with you going with as many guys as you want, but you lied to him.
Now you suddenly want to come clean.
No wonder he’s angry.

You’ve announced you’ve lied to him-not really surprising he’s cross

You lied about something you knew was relevant to his religion and intent to marry you! You kept that hidden for ten years. Of course he is angry. He needs time to process that.

I can never understand why people suddenly decide a confession is a great idea. It isn't......ever. it's asking for trouble.I hope he can get over this.

Why even tell each other? Me and DP have never discussed numbers and I don't think it's important.

It may be that he feels that he missed out on sex before marriage but thought that it was OK as you were the same as him. Now he knows that you've had experiences that he wished he'd had too. His anger at being lied to might also contain jealousy that you've done something that he hasn't.

He might also be wondering what else you've lied to him about. If you've lied over something as important as going against your religious beliefs then he will be unsure about other things you've told him.

How would you feel if the roles had been reversed?

he's right to be angry but why does it make him a laughing stock ? is he telling everyone about it ?

Have to agree with everyone here.

Why did you decide to randomly tell him?

To anyone else reading this my firm advice is share that you have not been Elizabeth the First, but disclose NO numbers, names or details.
Never ends well...

Another YABU

for all the reasons already given above

YNBU for being with other guys, but might BU for expecting him to be ok with not knowing, IF that's the kind of relationship you were both expecting - ie one where you both tell each other about your previous partners.

Personally I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who expected to know about my previous partners or to 'count' them up! And I wouldn't ask my DP - well only in jokey ways, but never seriously because neither of us thinks it matters.

Agree with others. Give him space and then talk to him

I didn’t think any religions allowed sex before marriage?

I'm not sure why you've put "deceived" in inverted commas. As far as this issue is concerned you have deceived him, particularly since it's a tenet of the religion you both purport to follow.

DH has always been honest about his past...

So does this mean that he had also had sex before you married? Seems a bit of a ridiculous situation to be arguing about this when, if I've understood correctly, the pair of you have both failed to follow the principles of this religion. Celibacy? No. Honesty? No. Forgiveness? Nope.

He's a laughing stock? What planet is he living on? He sounds like a total tit.

OH has never asked I would not tell anyway. He has talked about previous girlfriends, I presume he slept with them.

Oh, I've learnt something a long time ago not from my experience though to never open up too much about your previous relationship no matter what.

He would be justified in being upset about the deception, even if it was only lying by omission.

But were you both in that religion before you met? Would other people within your circle know about your past?