AIBU or is DH? Refusing to speak to me

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Married for 10 years, two DDs. DH and I follow a religion that don’t allow dating or sex before marriage, and DH has always been honest about his past and I was married briefly before meeting DH. Until now DH has always thought that I’ve only been with two men, him and exDH. But the reality is I’ve been with a few guys before meeting DH, I just never told him this because I was embarrassed of my past even when he asked me before marriage and was honest about his past. We were speaking about something, and I just decided to tell him yesterday, he was shocked but didn’t say much. He’s now just sent me a text saying that he’s furious I’ve ‘deceived’ him for 10 years, I’m not the person he thought I was, he’s become a ‘laughing stock’ and all these years I ‘knew’ etc. I think he’s got over the initial shock and it’s starting to sink in. He’s asked for space and I will give him that. A part of me understands why he’s upset, but there’s also another part of me that just feel like my past is my past and it shouldn’t matter. AIBU?

I can't abide by lying, and this is a HUGE lie to tell someone and then reveal Ten years later.

Your husband has every right to be upset by this. This is the problem with lying about something, no matter how big or small. It will ALWAYS come out somehow.

are you not worried about raising children, especially daughters, in a religion that doesn't allow dating before marriage? when such judgement comes from their own father?

He's a laughing stock? What planet is he living on? He sounds like a total tit.

I don’t think that’s very fair. He clearly feels that while he was open and honest with the OP, she kept something relevant from him for 10 years that he’d rather have known about before he married her - which she had an opportunity to share when they supposedly put their cards on the table.

He's a laughing stock? What planet is he living on? He sounds like a total tit.

something was important to him, he was very honest about it, and the OP lied to him.
If you can't understand why he's upset

What YOU think of his beliefs is completely irrelevant. You wouldn't appreciate if people were laughing at you because they don't agree with yours.

I seem to be in the minority here but I think he is being very very unreasonable for caring. Yes you lied to him but it’s not like you lied about something important (or at least it shouldn’t be). It’s the equivalent of lying about not having been to Paris. Ok it’s a deception but it’s not a big deal. This shouldn’t be either. Not to s normal person.

These sort of 'confessions' always seem a bit selfish to me as it's caused drama but was fuelled by OP wanting to get it off her chest so she wouldn't feel guilty.

After this long there was no need at all for him to know, if you'd been together a month and thought shit I should tell him the truth id get that but in your situation there was never going to be any benefit in him knowing. Bit mean of you in my opinion.

I can’t understand why any of this matters at all.

Sorry I should have added I wouldn't have given a shit because it wouldn't change my opinion of you.

But if you knew it was a really important boundary for him and that he'd be troubled by it then I don't think his reaction could be unexpected.

Hope you can sort it, I'm sure you will

You did lie to him. Imagine yourself in his shoes. If tomorrow he said "oh sorry, actually I slept with ten women before you." how would you feel?

Yabu. It seemed that it was something that was discussed at the time and you failed to not mention it then. So why now? Yes I would be upset too. As a pp said, no he is probably wondering what else you didnt tell him.

Give him the space he needs. He probably has a bit of processing to do.

I think you either should have told him years at all or not at all.

*years ago, sorry

Why the belated ’confession’? Often people confess to make themselves feel better but to me, if there is no need for the other person to know a hurtful truth, I’d rather live with the guilt than make them feel like shit. This isn’t about your colourful past or your number, you lied to him. At the time you git together you were fully entitled to share only the information that you had other partners but didn’t want to go into detail and if he’d had an issue with that he could have decided whether it was a dealbreaker then and there. You took that choice away from him, you lied and have continued to lie for 10 years. You have to now allow him time to come to terms with that.

I understand, and I'm giving him the space he needs. I just want to clarify he's not upset that I've slept with other guys before him, he's just angry that I wasn't honest about it when he asked me 10 years ago, especially when he told me the things he did in his past.

And for the why now? I honestly don't know, we were just talking about things from the past, and I just told him. In a way I've always wanted to tell him, but was just too embarrassed. When I told him he asked a few questions, and I thought that was it! And the text came about how I've 'deceived ' him for 10 years. It's like a delayed reaction where he's gone ' hang on a minute.. she's lied to me for 10 years'.

How much space should I give him? He went to work this morning without saying a word to me, and he said he will be staying at his mums for a bit. Should I just let him come to me when he's ready? Or should I text him after a few days of not speaking to see how he's doing?

Honestly if I knew he would react like this, I would never have told him.

I wonder if you were coasting along and you knew that that was only because you were hiding a side of yrslf.

Maybe announcing the truth was, consciously or unconsciously a way to see if he has values you can live with . Maybe you want conflict with somebody who has madonna whore issues MORE than you want to live on autopilot in fake harmony.

Hes gone to his mums, fhs, what a drama queen.

Hes gone to his mums, fhs, what a drama queen.

I wouldn’t be very impressed if my dh had lied to me for several years. I’d probably want space too.

I’d leave hm for a few dAys.

Not sure why you decided to tell him, or why he thinks he is a laughing stock.
I think he has over reacted .
But give him space and I hope you can work it out.

You really shouldn’t have told him OP. I’m not surprised he feels hurt and betrayed. But it’s done now. I think it’s best to give him time to process the information and then talk about it at a later date.

For me personally it wouldn't have been the fact you'd slept with a certain number of people, or even that you fibbed about it (as you are under no obligation to tell people your 'number').

I'd only be annoyed you had told me the truth now because I wouldn't see how knowing that would be beneficial, only alleviating your own guilt (which I don't think you needed to have btw!) if that makes sense?

Sorry the shit has hit the fan OP, it's clear you didn't mean to hurt him, I'm sure you'll work this out just keep giving him a bit of space x

Just want to say to everyone who replied to my thread, DH and I are on speaking terms again. We had a really heart to heart conversation about everything, he was just hurt and upset that I withheld this information from him for so long, and decided to come clean now but not upset that I've slept with other men before him. I've apologised and he just asked me to just be honest with him from now on which of course I will! I'm so pleased that we've overcome this hurdle and can now move on. Thanks again everyone

Glad to hear it x

That's good. Pleased to hear it.