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Original poster

To ask if when a parent leaves the marital home and their partner..

38 replies

Motherof3feminists · 22/05/2019 21:19

...do they by default also leave their children if they don't take them with them? I'm thinking of a parent who leaves then sees the children EOW and part of the holidays, rather than 50/50 but maybe that doesn't matter in relation to the question.

I was just reading another thread about separation and it got me thinking.

Does leaving the family home mean you have also left the children? Or just that you've left your partner?

In my experience my exH argued he hadn't left our children, and that he'd just left me. The children felt and still feel very differently about it though. I'm not sure how you can physically leave the family home but not leave your children, if that makes sense? Perhaps that's the narrative that helps lessen the guilt if they do feel guilt at leaving?

OP posts:
UnicornBrexit · 22/05/2019 21:25

They leave the relationship with their (ex) partner, not the relationship with their children.

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 22/05/2019 21:32

It's not black and white

The parent who moves out of the family home may not be parent who has instigated the split from the other parent so it would be very judgemental to talk in terms of them 'leaving their children'

MsVestibule · 22/05/2019 21:33

If my DH left me but still wanted to continue a proper relationship with the DCs, then no, I wouldn't consider that he'd left them. I'd make sure they knew that, too.

thisgirlcanmoveon · 22/05/2019 21:33

My Stbexh left and my Dd at 16 really feels he left and abandoned her too. He waited for eldest dd to be at university, he was always closer to her. Then woke up one day and left. I hadn't seen it coming and neither had DDs. Youngest DD sees her dad now twice a week for approximately 3 hours each time. He's moved away and she wants to / needs to stay at home so she can go to school.
Their relationship will never be the same and she tolerates him rather than has a close relationship, it breaks my heart that her dad did this.

pikapikachu · 22/05/2019 21:34

My kids think that he left us but I tell them that he left me and I honestly believe that. The kids think it's us based on his behaviour but I truly believe that he loves them. We split 7 years ago and he sees (2 out of 3 kids) 1 night every 14 days and pays more than CMS.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 22/05/2019 21:37

When Ex and I split up, he split up with me and I split up with him. He didn't split up with DS, and I'd never have allowed DS to think that (however, Ex and I get on well and co-parent well, and if that wasn't the case perhaps I'd be less inclined to say nice things about him).

Chocmallows · 22/05/2019 21:41

My DC always said that their dad left them too. I said no as he still loved them. After several years they explained what they meant, he put his partner (was OW) before them from the moment he left, e.g. got engaged and moved house without telling them (visits at exMIL house).

I have a partner of 1 year and my DC tell me that they know they still come first to me on important things, e.g. holidays and they even see my partner check their opinions rather than get in first.

Some parents stop parenting in the same way and it is like they leave their DC too.

Original poster
Motherof3feminists · 22/05/2019 21:42

But the relationship changes doesn't it? It can't stay the same if the parent is no longer living in the home and doesn't see the child/ren on the same basis as they did before?

It's quite a change to go from seeing both parents daily (if that's what they are used to) to seeing the NRP EOW for example. The NRP is physically not there so children are bound to feel "left" even if they have not been emotionally left by the NRP. Obviously different families have different norms and parents work away or are deployed on tour for 6 months for example, but for those that are used to both parents being there at breakfast and possibly dinner and bedtime too, then it's going to be a massive thing them not being there.

I think the perspective of the child would be very different to that of the leaving parent.

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 22/05/2019 21:44

So by your logic the only way for him to not "leave" the children is to stay with you forever?

I think you're rather spinning this to suit your own angle.

Original poster
Motherof3feminists · 22/05/2019 21:44

@FizzBuzzBangWoof that's a good point. I hadn't thought if it from that angle. I guess all situations wary but I imagine the children still feel that physical loss.

OP posts:
Muddlingalongalone · 22/05/2019 21:46

I tell my children that daddy left me not them, but I feel like he abandoned them when he chose to move 120 miles. If he'd moved 2 streets away I wouldn't feel the same although if it was with ow I might not be sane anymore

Justbreathing · 22/05/2019 21:53

@oneforthepain
Agree
Also the problem is, if the woman leaves (generally) she takes the kids. So it’s a bit of a lose lose for guys in this situation

The only option they have is to stay and be unhappy. Wait as long as they think they can. It’s never such an awful situation for the women

And of course lots of men are dicks, but that’s a different story.

SpiderPlant38 · 22/05/2019 21:55

Depends how it is managed. If both parents put the children first then it should be clear to them what happened.

Original poster
Motherof3feminists · 22/05/2019 21:55

My children know that he left me but they still feel that because he's not here then they have been left too. They would love him to come back but as he's very abusive it would never happen.

It's very sad that some leave and their priorities change but on the other hand some make every effort to keep everything as normal as possible and make sure the children know they are still loved and come first.

You only have to look at the threads on here to see how some parents cherry pick the nicer bits of parenting once separated as though parenting is an option. It's very sad and I do think that many parents leave their children too. Not fully, but the children are no longer a full time parenting responsibility. Of course some patents cherry pick when still together!

In my children's minds they cannot separate the physical from the emotional no matter how many times we both explain to them that it was me he left, not them. It was many years ago now but they still feel it acutely.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 22/05/2019 21:56

I'm not sure how you can physically leave the family home but not leave your children

What’s the alternative though? Staying together for the children , but that never really works everyone just sends up resenting each other . Someone has to leave .

I left the family home, I took my children with me that’s not great situation either .

NeverSayFreelance · 22/05/2019 22:13

My Dad left our family home because he and my mum couldn't live together anymore. He stopped being her husband - he didn't stop being my dad. He's still my dad and still just as much a part of my life as my mum - even if he does drive me up the wall sometimes Grin

NeverSayFreelance · 22/05/2019 22:17

If I'm completely honest, my relationship with my dad got better after he left. I love him and he's wonderful - but our personalities clash so much and we fought constantly. Seeing less of each other meant we got along a lot better.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 22/05/2019 22:24

But the relationship changes doesn't it? It can't stay the same if the parent is no longer living in the home and doesn't see the child/ren on the same basis as they did before?

Absolutely it changes. And there's no point denying that if you're the one who leaves, your relationship with your DC is probably harder to maintain. But I think that's the point where some parents will bend over backwards to spend as much quality time with their DC, maintain contact, maintain effort, maintain even simple things like a quick call before bedtime to try and ensure that their relationship continues. And then you get the ones who do the out-of-sight shrug and come to regret it in ten years time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2019 22:34

Well what if the leaving spouse/partner doesn’t leave through choice? If the marriage ends due to poor behaviour or abuse from the party who keeps the children and the house then you can’t accuse the other one of abandoning the children which is what you seem to be suggesting?

ElizaPancakes · 22/05/2019 22:50

I think the adults probably don't consider the leaver to have left the children. I think a lot of the time the children will feel differently, especially if the exiting adult is not a great parent.

When my parents split it was the best thing, my dad was a shit and my mum didn't deserve him. My younger sibs didn't feel the same as me, but I was almost an adult and more objective.

Original poster
Motherof3feminists · 22/05/2019 22:51

My query is more about the different perspectives of the one who (willingly) leaves the home compared to that of the children who stay in the family home. Imo it's the perspective of the children and how they feel that's important here.
Some situations are complex but I was thinking very simply of one partner wants out and leaves and how the children perceive that leaving compared to how the leaver sees it.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 22/05/2019 22:54

Yes I suppose I’m a bit confused too because someone has to leave the family home don’t they?

KylieKoKo · 22/05/2019 23:03

Dp left the family home because he found is ex in his bed with a guy he'd previously forgiven her cheating with because he didn't want to leave his children. Who would you say he left his children?

adaline · 22/05/2019 23:03

But someone has to leave either way.

Original poster
Motherof3feminists · 22/05/2019 23:06

I wonder if the children feel differently if they leave with the leaver too? I imagine then that they'd feel they'd been taken away from their parent rather than being left. It's never good for them is it even when splitting is for the greater good as it were. There will always be some emotional trauma. However I don't believe in staying for the sake of the children. I think that's more damaging long term. My parents did that. Not good. My friend is doing that and having an affair. Their household is deeply unhappy and unstable.

I started off with one of my late night ponderings and once again MN has widened the question and made me think of different angles I hadn't considered. Thank you for sharing your views and getting me thinking beyond my own experiences Smile

OP posts:
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