To ask if when a parent leaves the marital home and their partner..

[Motherof3feminists]

...do they by default also leave their children if they don't take them with them? I'm thinking of a parent who leaves then sees the children EOW and part of the holidays, rather than 50/50 but maybe that doesn't matter in relation to the question.

I was just reading another thread about separation and it got me thinking.

Does leaving the family home mean you have also left the children? Or just that you've left your partner?

In my experience my exH argued he hadn't left our children, and that he'd just left me. The children felt and still feel very differently about it though. I'm not sure how you can physically leave the family home but not leave your children, if that makes sense? Perhaps that's the narrative that helps lessen the guilt if they do feel guilt at leaving?

. Imo it's the perspective of the children and how they feel that's important here.
Some situations are complex but I was thinking very simply of one partner wants out and leaves and how the children perceive that leaving compared to how the leaver sees it.

I believe my children’s prespective is that I took them away from their daddy, and I stop them seeing their daddy everyday. Where as if he had left (which he wouldn’t) it would have been daddy left us all which is why he wouldn’t leave because he didn’t want to be the leaver

I wonder if the children feel differently if they leave with the leaver too? I think it’s just 2 sides of the same coin.

Daddy left, mummy took us away, either way it was damaging to them but staying is/was as well.
They find it hard to understand that it’s not about them but mum and dad wishes to live apart

If the parent who leaves doesn't take on 50% of the parenting then in my opinion yes they are leaving the kids too. I'm leaving the family home (I'm mum, house is in exp name) but we are having the kids 50/50 so it's all equal and nobody will be missing out (apart from the kids missing out on ya being together but that will benefit them as they will no longer have to witness the turmoil in the relationship)

I left and took DCs ( I would never have left without them).
DH always said he would never be a weekend dad but when I told him I wanted 50/50 for the sake of the DCs he caved and became the "dad who got away with as little access as he could".
There is no way I would have left him AND them. But he had the choice over shared access, he just chose to be the NRP.

I think it's up to the children how they feel about when they've grown up. They're the ones who know what is really was like, and what the circumstances felt like to them.

My ex spent more time one on one (or one on two) than he had ever spent with them before he left. He very rarely had them on his own (and even then not for long) before he left

@hecateh mine too. I said that to him after his first couple of hours sat playing games with them not on his phone.

It is eye opening how Dads suddenly actually start acting like Dads AFTER their children are no longer in their house 24/7

My children don’t feel like their dad left them and their relationship is the same as it ever was. So no I dont agree at all that all children feel left or that our relationship not working out has anything to do with them.

Men never leave unless they have another woman to go to, as they're too chicken-shit to go it alone, and they need someone to wait on them and cook for them. They also never take the kids. They would get in the way of all his fun wouldn't they?!

I know a man who left his wife of 15 years (and 3 kids under 10) and fucked off with his fancy piece who he'd been seeing for a year. His wife was devastated and very depressed. She got killed in a car crash about 8 months after he left. Very sad for the kids as they lost their dad - as he left the family, and then lost their mother less than a year later.

Their dad then had to step up and look after them. After around 2 years together (one year as an an affair,) he and his new woman didn't last long. 'Three kids under 10 wasn't part of the deal!' she grumbled. She left him several months after his wife/mother of 3 kids died.

But yeah, of COURSE the person who leaves is leaving the kids too. Daft to say otherwise.

(As for the man I know... a year after his 'affair partner' left him (and the 3 kids) he met someone else who became stepmother to the 3 kids. 10 years on, she is still with him, and has been a great stepmother to the kids.)

And circumstances vary I guess. If a man unexpectedly leaves and moves straight in with OW and her young DC of similar age to his own DC, and only sees his own DC one night a fortnight or month, then yes that probably feels pretty much like they've been left.probably

Other circumstances obviously happen, too, fortunately.

When children feel they've been 'left' as well, it's generally because the parent that has actually been 'left' spins it that way.

When both parents act like adults and really do put the children first and not just give lip service to their needs, there is no reason for the children to feel 'left'. Unfortunately, the one 'left' is often unable to do this.

Children take their cues from us. They are generally not fragile little poppets who cannot cope or understand unless they've learnt from us to be that way. I'm always amazed at how little credit people give them and how they are never given the opportunity to be as resilient as they often ARE.

The relationship between parent and child/ren can even be better if and when the parent has left. If allowed to be so that is

My DB is the one who left, but his kids know he didn't leave them. The marriage ended and he isn't an EOW Disney dad.

His house is their home. They all have their own bedrooms, set of clothes etc....so it's home from home.

The parent who leaves the family home without the kids, needs to make sure they don't feel like visitors in their other home.

Not sleeping on sofas or a mattress on the floor.

My Ex SIL who is still my friend says my DB spent more time with the DC when they split, than when they were together.

I'm sure DB would disagree, but I didn't want to go telling him what she said.

When the split is amicable and the DC are a priority... I don't think they'd feel abandoned.

If the parent who leaves sees them EOW... then I personally don't think that's good enough to maintain a healthy relationship ... as you miss out on a lot of their lives.

All too often, the man was a lazy father and the split is the perfect excuse to bail out on parenting. Either that or he soon gets a new DP to do the hard work.... you only have to read the Stepparent board to see that.

Dad at work (or not) and stepmum does all the cooking, cleaning and childcare for his kids. Even the homework.