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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Ambu for wanting to hurt him real bad?

73 replies

Peachypop · 22/05/2019 17:07

I'm writing to ask for advice. I met this guy at work, 5 years ago. I was really into him, at first I didn't know he had a gf, months later I found out. He said he wanted to be friends but he fancied me but couldn't do anything. He would send me very flirty messages, songs, jokes, compliments, pictures from his daily life, apsk for pictures of me - he would show me attention, build it up and then disappear for a week. And then the cycle would continue. He would arrange to meet me then cancel at last minute (I mean 15 mins before). I only saw him a handful of times in person after he left to work in a different branch.

I was infatuated with him even though I knew deep down he was using me to feed his ego. I felt so useless, I kept thinking that if I was better looking, more successful, skinnier he would want to be with me. Whenever I tried to pull away he'd come back texting, sending me songs being all nice, telling me he was thinking of me.

In that time I was seeing other people but nothing serious as I really considered him to be my soul mate and the love of my life and I was hoping he'd break up with his gf, I thought we were perfect together. Nothing ever happened between us physically, although he tried to touch me, stroke my legs but I knew he had a gf and once he got what he wanted he'd just push me to the side. In a way that made it worse.

After 2 yrs of that I got fed up with it and just blocked him, his email, his phone calls, his what's app, his texts. We had no contact with each other for a year and then he phoned me, said he'd like to see me for the good times sake. In that time I met someone who fell head over heels for me, we got engaged and were planning future together. I thought meeting him would provide closure, I thought I was immune to his charms. At first we had a good time, all the good stuff that attracted me to him but without the feelings. We met a couple more times, he was promising he's changed, he was thinking about me and I was his muse. I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me. Soon my feelings for him starting coming back and that's when I found out I was pregnant with my fiancé. We were very happy and looking forward to our baby but deep down I felt strangely sad like I lost the love of my life and we would never be together again.

Again, I didn't see him for a long time. When I came back to work after a year long maternity leave, we met for a coffee he's told me he broke up with his gf, he cheated on her 3 months after I told him I was pregnant, he blamed me for it (for 'destabilising him' with my pregnancy news), following the break up he started seeing anotherl girl from work 20 years younger (he's 46) than him but they also broke up after few months. He told me he was feeling lonely and regretted that he didn't pursue things with me when he could have had. Obviously it made me think of him but I was focused on my family.

We met up recently in a bigger group of people and my cousin (very attractive and single) joined us. After that night out she told me he was hitting on her whilst sat across the table from me, he was even inviting her over to his. She stood up to him told him she was my cousin and it would be weird (she knew all the history). He didn't take it well and had a go at her. The next day he's asked me for her number to apologise to her.

I gave him a number asking him to apologise but what he didn't know, the number I gave him was a what's app linked to my phone. He started texting 'her', basically saying same stuff he used to say to me. Even sharing songs I shared with him, calling her cute little nicknames he used to call me. I responded as her saying that my loyalty was with my cousin (me) and I would not go out with him. He pursued 'her' every day.

I want to know what you all think I should do, I could just block him or gave a show down or just do nothing. I'm not even angry, I'm so disappointed that he spent years being my friend, flirting with me, pursuing with me, making me doubt my life choices. It meant nothing to him to deceive me so I do not feel bad about deceiving him.

He still texts 'my cousin' every day and invited her for a dinner on Sunday. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to hurt him really bad and carry on with this just the way he did to me?

OP posts:
Myworstnightmare123 · 22/05/2019 17:11

Exhausting. Find some dignity and cut him out of your life.

Wildorchidz · 22/05/2019 17:12

Does your fiancé know what you are doing??

Bambamber · 22/05/2019 17:12

Just block him. You will only get hurt in some way if you carry on as you are, you will gain nothing. I find it difficult to have sympathy when he was shady from the very beginning

Pgqio · 22/05/2019 17:14

Please move on from this shitshow. Who can be bothered with all the faux drama? I think you're as bad as him for pretending to be someone else, it's pathetic.

MatildaTheCat · 22/05/2019 17:15

Yes, YABVVU to give him any further space in your head. Not one speck.

Block him and concentrate on your family. I don’t feel he’s entirely to blame for this whole mess. You gave him loads of encouragement to flirt when he was seeing someone else.

Time to grow up and forget this whole sorry, sordid mess.

Imaniamani · 22/05/2019 17:15

It's exhausting and so wrong especially if your fiancé doesn't know what you're doing. It's not fair on him. And if he were to find out he'd be the victim. I think you should cut him off before you lose your current relationship.

GruciusMalfoy · 22/05/2019 17:15

You're a fool for entertaining him after you cut him off. Tell him you've seen his true colours now and don't want anything to do with him. Your fiance doesn't deserve this to be going on.

ScreamingValenta · 22/05/2019 17:16

Am I right in thinking you still have a fiance who is the father of your child?

What happens between the man from work and your cousin is between them - I don't see why you feel entitled to interfere just because you still hold a candle for him.

Pretending to be your cousin and replying to him as her is ridiculous, if not downright creepy.

I really can't see what he's done wrong, other than 'having a go' at your cousin, which again, is her business not yours.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but fancying someone doesn't give you rights over them.

You should block him and not get involved any further - concentrate on your family.

BlythesEyes · 22/05/2019 17:19

You still seem all consumed by him. You have a family now. Can you imagine if this was the other way round and your other half were engaging with a woman and did this to you?
Stop it now before you do something you regret. Cut him off...Permanently and get on with your life.

Dyrne · 22/05/2019 17:22

I agree with others OP, you’re feeding the drama and being massively unfair to your fiancé.

Your fiancé deserves so much better than what you’re doing to him - maybe you should leave him and get together with this other man - you two deserve each other.

TheLazyDuchess · 22/05/2019 17:33

Why are you with your financè? You don't love him, and it sounds like you'd have cheated, had this guy not come on to your cousin and made you jealous/go snooping.

The other man was coming on really strong to you, while he had a gf, that he was probably still sleeping with, he's single now and doesn't have to hide his man whore ways anymore, so clearly he's going to be womanising more than ever. Or trying to at least. Does your cousin know he thinks he's been talking to her..?

DeadButDelicious · 22/05/2019 17:37

You have a fiancé and more importantly a child stop it with this ridiculous, immature drama.

DaisyDreaming · 22/05/2019 17:39

Block him and avoid years and years of more heartache. You know he is doing to your cousin what he is doing to lots of others. I knew someone like this (I know how hard it is on the receiving end) and at times I would literally watch him text the same thing to various girls while with me, all of them no doubt feeling special and unaware that he is copying and pasting. Don’t go for a show down, hold your head high and look forward to life with someone stable

ANewDawn10 · 22/05/2019 17:44

Yes yabu because you played a willing role in this whole mess. No one forced you into anything, you chose to entertain him. Agree with pp, get some self respect and dignity and grow up.

SilverySurfer · 22/05/2019 17:44

What the hell are you doing making all this drama and even giving this man any head space. Block and ignore and concentrate on your family.

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 17:48

Urgh. The man is a disgusting player and you are being horrible to your fiancé and child. Grow up & block the twat. Where is your moral compass fgs!

gamerwidow · 22/05/2019 17:49

Grow up and stop wasting your life on this idiot. He’s shown you he is a dick, why on earth do you even care who he texts. He was obviously never into you, you were just a game to pass the time. stop being delusional and hopefully you can salvage your relationship with your fiancée who you don’t seem to care about in the slightest.

StormTreader · 22/05/2019 17:51

You've been given a gift of seeing what a bullet you dodged.
Just block him with no warning and leave him wondering why it didn't work.

IvanaPee · 22/05/2019 17:53

Jesus. Grow up.

You never even went on a date. You want to punish him for being single and interested in your single cousin?

For fucks sake! I’m fairly sure your fiancé deserves better than this.

Does your cousin even know you’re using her to catfish him?

Grow up. Find your sanity. Find your dignity.

Ginkypig · 22/05/2019 17:58

What the fuck are you doing!

He is an arsehole, he has always been one, everything you have said from the moment you met him is arse hole behaviour.

Who the fuck cares if he is messaging your cousin it is exactly how you should have expected him to behave because why? because he is an arse hole!

Stop degrading yourself and get back to your own life.

EerieSilence · 22/05/2019 18:02

Seriously? You behave like a little child. He's an arse, it's how he behaves.
Block him and forget about him. Focus on your own life.

AlwaysCheddar · 22/05/2019 18:03

Grow up!! Just block and never respond or contact him ever again.

Figure8 · 22/05/2019 18:07

I really can't see what he's done wrong, other than 'having a go' at your cousin, which again, is her business not yours

Men like him charm, and manipulate and are really good at messing with your head.

He behaved with little or no genuine intent.
HOWEVER...
OP, you are now behaving the same way toward your fiance. If you don't love him, tg9en you are using him. You are being dishonest and secretive.
Seriously, block the player, and grow some integrity.

Ellisandra · 22/05/2019 18:10

Yeah, go hand that to your fiancé to read Confused
Poor bloke.

Why did you get engaged when you still needed “closure”?

Bullshit to closure. You just wanted his attention. Even now, posing as your cousin, you’re getting off on having an interaction with him. Even though it’s negative, you’re still in touch and you’re fooling yourself you have some kind of option here.

Show down? What a joke. He’ll laugh at you. He won’t feel deceived - he’ll feel pleased that you’re still so obsessed about him.

Block him.
Postpone the wedding because you are being a dick to your fiancé.
Get counselling.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/05/2019 18:10

No good will come of this. Stop it.