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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Ambu for wanting to hurt him real bad?

73 replies

Peachypop · 22/05/2019 17:07

I'm writing to ask for advice. I met this guy at work, 5 years ago. I was really into him, at first I didn't know he had a gf, months later I found out. He said he wanted to be friends but he fancied me but couldn't do anything. He would send me very flirty messages, songs, jokes, compliments, pictures from his daily life, apsk for pictures of me - he would show me attention, build it up and then disappear for a week. And then the cycle would continue. He would arrange to meet me then cancel at last minute (I mean 15 mins before). I only saw him a handful of times in person after he left to work in a different branch.

I was infatuated with him even though I knew deep down he was using me to feed his ego. I felt so useless, I kept thinking that if I was better looking, more successful, skinnier he would want to be with me. Whenever I tried to pull away he'd come back texting, sending me songs being all nice, telling me he was thinking of me.

In that time I was seeing other people but nothing serious as I really considered him to be my soul mate and the love of my life and I was hoping he'd break up with his gf, I thought we were perfect together. Nothing ever happened between us physically, although he tried to touch me, stroke my legs but I knew he had a gf and once he got what he wanted he'd just push me to the side. In a way that made it worse.

After 2 yrs of that I got fed up with it and just blocked him, his email, his phone calls, his what's app, his texts. We had no contact with each other for a year and then he phoned me, said he'd like to see me for the good times sake. In that time I met someone who fell head over heels for me, we got engaged and were planning future together. I thought meeting him would provide closure, I thought I was immune to his charms. At first we had a good time, all the good stuff that attracted me to him but without the feelings. We met a couple more times, he was promising he's changed, he was thinking about me and I was his muse. I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me. Soon my feelings for him starting coming back and that's when I found out I was pregnant with my fiancé. We were very happy and looking forward to our baby but deep down I felt strangely sad like I lost the love of my life and we would never be together again.

Again, I didn't see him for a long time. When I came back to work after a year long maternity leave, we met for a coffee he's told me he broke up with his gf, he cheated on her 3 months after I told him I was pregnant, he blamed me for it (for 'destabilising him' with my pregnancy news), following the break up he started seeing anotherl girl from work 20 years younger (he's 46) than him but they also broke up after few months. He told me he was feeling lonely and regretted that he didn't pursue things with me when he could have had. Obviously it made me think of him but I was focused on my family.

We met up recently in a bigger group of people and my cousin (very attractive and single) joined us. After that night out she told me he was hitting on her whilst sat across the table from me, he was even inviting her over to his. She stood up to him told him she was my cousin and it would be weird (she knew all the history). He didn't take it well and had a go at her. The next day he's asked me for her number to apologise to her.

I gave him a number asking him to apologise but what he didn't know, the number I gave him was a what's app linked to my phone. He started texting 'her', basically saying same stuff he used to say to me. Even sharing songs I shared with him, calling her cute little nicknames he used to call me. I responded as her saying that my loyalty was with my cousin (me) and I would not go out with him. He pursued 'her' every day.

I want to know what you all think I should do, I could just block him or gave a show down or just do nothing. I'm not even angry, I'm so disappointed that he spent years being my friend, flirting with me, pursuing with me, making me doubt my life choices. It meant nothing to him to deceive me so I do not feel bad about deceiving him.

He still texts 'my cousin' every day and invited her for a dinner on Sunday. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to hurt him really bad and carry on with this just the way he did to me?

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 22/05/2019 19:49

Agree with pp that adults don’t generally engage in things like this, giving a fake WhatsApp and playing games is something teenagers do - not grown women.

Bluntness100 · 22/05/2019 19:53

You really need to get a grip and stop obsessing over this man, it's been years. Nothing ever happened between you.

Honestly you might need to get some medical help to move you through this.

This behaviour is obsessional and odd. And you need to get over it.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/05/2019 19:56

Honestly you might need to get some medical help to move you through this.

Agreed. This honestly does call for some sort of professional help. It's gone too far and I don't think you even realise it has. It seems like you've lived your entire life on pause since this man came along and you're still experiencing the first flushes of the way he made you feel - even though you apparently now have had a baby and a fiancé.

Omzlas · 22/05/2019 19:59

You need to get a grip and give your head a wobble OP, does your fiancee know what you're doing??

You said that you met someone who fell head over heels for you, but I didn't see mention of how you feel for him...??

Nearlythere1 · 22/05/2019 20:03

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Bluntness100 · 22/05/2019 20:05

How has he actually deceived you though? I've read your op twice and I can't work it out.

So he said he wanted to apologise to your cousin and hit on her instead. That's fine, he's single, you're engaged with a child. He's never so much as even asked you out.

I'm really not getting where you think he's deceived you, you need to hurt him bad in retaliation and it justifies you cat fishing him.

However he knows, he knows it's you.so maybe he is deceiving you this time.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 22/05/2019 20:09

One of the most pathetic posts I have ever read on MN.

ThatCurlyGirl · 22/05/2019 20:12

Just realised you met up with him a few times since being with your other half. And had conversations about our past and current feelings for each other. Did you tell your partner about this?

I don't want to sound harsh but if you were my mate I'd be giving you some serious tough love. You're risking your family set up for something that is an utter waste of time ffs - what's the end game?

There's no plus side to behaving this way at all, you're perpetuating a connection with dickhead and damaging your relationship with your unknowing partner.

If he realises he would be well within his rights to say you're a nutter and flirted with him behind your boyfriends back for ages while pretending to be your own cousin... you will come out of this worse than anyone else!

So what are you going to do?

Dexterslockedintheshedagain · 22/05/2019 20:20

How old are you??!!!! FFS!!! Grow up and don't be such a drama llama.

SpecterLitt · 22/05/2019 20:25

Pathetic comes to mind, and that's both of you. You're both as sleazy as each other.

Riddle me this, how would you feel if you're fiance was doing this to you with another woman?

Stop playing games and either focus on your family or leave and go be with this other guy. Stop playing people, it's vile.

SpecterLitt · 22/05/2019 20:26

Your*

babysharkah · 22/05/2019 21:11

I think you need to grow up. This reads like a bad take a break magazine story.

IvanaPee · 22/05/2019 21:13

And OP disappears...

LuckyLou7 · 22/05/2019 21:23

You don't sound very well.

mawof3soontobe · 22/05/2019 21:36

How embarrassingly immature, and this is coming from a quite young in the head 30 year old! I know teenagers from my circle of friends' children who don't behave like this over boys. Fucking cringing Blush

PortiaCastis · 22/05/2019 22:07

Oh FFS you need to grow up and quit the drama llama stuff, ditch him he's a knobber

Lizzie48 · 22/05/2019 22:33

Ridiculous behaviour, you’re obsessed and delusional about a man you’ve never even had a date with; it’s time to grow up now you’re going to be a mum. And you’d fiancé deserves so much better.

KarmaStar · 22/05/2019 23:05

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gokartdillydilly · 23/05/2019 07:20

Didn't The Jeremy Kyle Show get shut-down? Hmm

Omzlas · 23/05/2019 07:58

I see the OP hasn't been back Hmm

CheeseToastieAndABrew · 23/05/2019 08:54

Get some self-respect, find your dignity and kick this arsehole to the kerb.

What about your fiancé and child ffs!

loubieloulou · 23/05/2019 09:21

This OP....

I agree with others OP, you’re feeding the drama and being massively unfair to your fiancé.

I suggest you stop & take a good look at yourself. Why are you even feeding this drama & doing the weird pretending to be your cousin shit????!!!!! That's not normal. Get a grip. Loose the extra phone number & cut contact before you loose your DP & end up a broken family. It's all very strange this behaviour OP, people are shits, let this go & be thankful for your lucky escape from him. He's a strange one, sending songs & music to someone he doesn't really know ( your cousin ) sounds like he is love bombing her. Have some self respect & move on !!!!!!!

MichaelMumsnet · 23/05/2019 09:24

Hi all, we've had a look behind the scenes and it looks like the OP has left the site and won't be back.

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