Told that husband must carers leave

[Christmaspanic24]

I have been in my current job just over 4 months. I had to take a day off last week as our childminder was ill. We have no family nearby and no one else who could step in. I was grilled by my manager about why my husband wasn't taking the day off / why he couldn't take half a day off so I could come in the afternoon. I explained some of the reasons why this wasn't possible. I explained also that husband was off with the kids last time something happened like this. When I returned to work today I was told by my manager that I would be paid for my missed day. It's in my contract carers leave is covered so paying me shouldn't be an issue. But she wants my husband to be the one who takes 'the hit' next time so that I can come into work. While this is something myself and DH do anyway AIBU to feel annoyed that she thinks she has any rights or role in deciding our domestic situation?? Surely who we choose to be off in this situation is our call and as long as I'm complying with my contract / not taking excessive or inappropriate leave they cant interfere?

For what it's worth we do everything we can to avoid taking time off work and its doesn't happen often at all. I feel annoyed at how I've been spoken to and irritated with myself for not saying something when she is dictating my personal life!! Or AIBU?!

Does your manager have children?

I’m a manager and have two children and I mostly try to turn a blind eye to people being off with their kids. I do keep a note of those who do seem to take the piss and I will bring it up but generally people don’t.

I know the feeling of being in a panic in the morning or night before when he childcare falls through and as a manager I don’t want to add to that.

Just forget it and chill out

If it were a man, and he was grilling the man as to why his wife was not 'taking the hit', when you are contractually entitled to take carers leave, would this be deemed appropriate? I think not. And I don't think it is in this instance either.

Your employer shouldnt offer carers leave if they dont want to actually pay it or honour it.

There is parental leave which is something different.

A HR person told me once that the lower earner in the household is expected to take the time off and not the higher earner.

how unprofessional. Do you have an HR department?

A HR person told me once that the lower earner in the household is expected to take the time off and not the higher earner.

@ANiceLuxury - and how do the HR of one company know how much the other partner earns? Are they supposed to know or allowed to ask that question?
And what about the cases where they earn comparably the same (as it's in my case, for example)?

I feel annoyed at how I've been spoken to and irritated with myself for not saying something when she is dictating my personal life!!

She's not dictating your personal life; it's your work life.

But she wants my husband to be the one who takes 'the hit' next time so that I can come into work.

Bit of a pointless request, mainly because how will she know? For all she knows your husband has been off with the kids one day a week for the last 2 months. By definition, if your husband takes the time off so your work isn't affected, she wouldn't know, unless you happened to mention in conversation that your child was ill.

I think the grilling sounds a little harsh and perhaps your manager has gone about it the wrong way.

However, it is not entirely unreasonable to gently find out if the caring responsibilities are shared as all too many women bear the lion share of caring responsibilities and taking time off for sick children. You have only been in the role a short time so have not built up a reputation as yet.

Perhaps when the dust settles, you could sit down and talk about it, about expectations of when your manager needs to be informed, how to keep in touch on days off if needed, whether there is a possibility/necessity to discuss how tasks will be covered in the event of an emergency carers leave and whether you really need to mention when your children are ill and being cared for by your husband. (There shouldn't and this should be obvious from the rest of the conversation where you convince your manager of your commitment to the job. If your manager still insists on having this detail, I would be thinking twice about looking for another job.)

OP I work in a place where you can take a day's leave for emergency care for children like this

I don't have children

my boss doesn't have children

we still have the brains to realise that the policy allows for it.

I can imagine if someone took a lot of days, then questions might be asked, but I also imagine the HR policy has a limit on that number of days.

I'm also allowed emergency days if my elderly mother is ill.

tbh I don't know how any of this is proven - what if my sister was ill for example - but having used about 5 days in the last 2 years, no one has ever questioned me.

Your boss might just be a really shit manager who isn't reading the policy correctly. It might be worth just keeping quiet because as a pp says, if you take a day off again for this, your boss won't know whether your DH has done it in the interim.

sucks to have a boss that nosey though, I know.

PS I do think it's unreasonable to ask any personal questions about how stuff like this is dealt with in a family. If the policy allows x number of days, that's what you can take.

A HR person told me once that the lower earner in the household is expected to take the time off and not the higher earner

Well that's just bloody ridiculous. Higher earning jobs aren't always more important.

She has no right whatsoever to interrogate you about arrangements made within your family for caring for your children. None. Go to HR if she keeps this up.

I don't think your home arrangements are anything to do with your work.
Surely childcare is between you and your partner, to sort out as you see fit, as long as you aren't in breach of your contract?

Whilst strictly speaking yes you could take emergency care leave, your manager is right that it should be only half the times that the kids are sick, dad's do need to pull their weight and I would be concerned that with only 4 months in your job they could let you go without explanation. Just try to come up with another plan because kids do get sick and work is work with limited understanding, it's not a perfect world

I don’t see how your manager could actually prove anything. Perhaps ask for guidance from HR.

What was said in your interview? You don’t want to be sacked because of this.

Higher jobs aren’t always more important.
Yes for example frontline health worker vs stock broker.

your manager is right that it should be only half the times that the kids are sick, dad's do need to pull their weight

She is absolutely not right. That is a private matter. There are lots of reasons this might not work, and not a single one of them is any of her business.

If it were a man, and he was grilling the man as to why his wife was not 'taking the hit', when you are contractually entitled to take carers leave, would this be deemed appropriate? I think not. And I don't think it is in this instance either

This happened to DP once, he was actually speechless when his boss was questioning why I couldn't have had the time off. We had actually shared the time and had 1 day off each which he obviously wasn't aware of. DP was absolutely fuming and started asking him why he thought his job was more important than mine (mine is actually more 'important' if you can call it that) and why he thinks it's a woman's responsibility anyway. He was then questioning why my DM couldn't have watched him, DP told him that despite the fact she is unwell herself, she is OUR son and OUR responsibility. The boss's home circumstances meant he had childcare on tap and didn't seem to understand that others don't have that support. DP went to the big big boss about it and he gave the boss a big dressing down about it.

I think the problem is that you have only been in the job for a few months. She doesn't really know you, or your work ethic , and is I think letting you know that taking the p with sick children is not happening on her watch. For all you know your predecessor pulled a sick child / no childcare emergency out of the woodwork every few weeks . Let's face it, some people do and it can cause a lot of stress and resentment among co workers. Once she cottons on to the fact that you play by the rules and share child care with your OH she could well loosen up.

Your DH has nothing to do with her. As above, she wouldn't know when he does take time off anyway. His job might very well mean he is not in town or in the country, so it's not that easy to say: parents should do 50/50

She can discuss your time off, your DH is absolutely none of her business

and is I think letting you know that taking the p with sick children is not happening on her watch

Jesus. She doesn’t have that authority. The OP is entitled to take dependents’ leave.

Tell her that he is at home with them when they are not really sick. You'll stay in her good books and you can then decide as normal next time they really are sick.

You shouldn't have to do this but it's the easy way.

Dd and sil both work and dgc goes to a childminder with me as back up if dgc or childminder are ill. Unfortunately the CM was ill last week and I was on holiday so dd took emergency leave. So even if you do normally have emergency cover for child care it doesn’t always work out.

Sil has also done emergency care for dgc.

Your manager would not be U to raise it if your unplanned absence for this and / or other reasons is at a level to be of concern.

She is U for grilling you about your childcare arrangements.

I'd be slightly worried because you've only been there for four months, until you've been there for 2 years you have practically no rights.

I was late in to work one day - I let HR know and it had no impact on my work. It was so that DH could return from work to look after sick DC.

When I got to work, HR person check all was ok. When I explained, he asked if it had been ok for DH to be away from work to look after sick DC. I slowly explained that if he wasn't able to come home, I wouldn't have been able to come to work. Lightbulb moment for that man.