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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Told that husband must carers leave

42 replies

Christmaspanic24 · 22/05/2019 14:38

I have been in my current job just over 4 months. I had to take a day off last week as our childminder was ill. We have no family nearby and no one else who could step in. I was grilled by my manager about why my husband wasn't taking the day off / why he couldn't take half a day off so I could come in the afternoon. I explained some of the reasons why this wasn't possible. I explained also that husband was off with the kids last time something happened like this. When I returned to work today I was told by my manager that I would be paid for my missed day. It's in my contract carers leave is covered so paying me shouldn't be an issue. But she wants my husband to be the one who takes 'the hit' next time so that I can come into work. While this is something myself and DH do anyway AIBU to feel annoyed that she thinks she has any rights or role in deciding our domestic situation?? Surely who we choose to be off in this situation is our call and as long as I'm complying with my contract / not taking excessive or inappropriate leave they cant interfere?

For what it's worth we do everything we can to avoid taking time off work and its doesn't happen often at all. I feel annoyed at how I've been spoken to and irritated with myself for not saying something when she is dictating my personal life!! Or AIBU?!

OP posts:

viques · 22/05/2019 16:21

herculepoirot I'm not actually saying she isn't. Read the post.

herculepoirot2 · 22/05/2019 16:25

viques

It didn’t sound like that to me, in all honesty.

Loopytiles · 22/05/2019 16:31

Discrimination rights apply from day one, I think.

MetalMidget · 22/05/2019 16:32

I'm envious of people who get paid leave to look after their sick children - it comes out of our holiday allowance where I work (or you can take it as unpaid). Same story aty husband's place.

My son was ill at the end of last year, and I'd run out of holiday, so it had to be taken out of this years. :(

ilovesooty · 22/05/2019 16:39

Loopytiles what discrimination rights would apply here under the Equality Act?

I'm not asking to be awkward but I share the concerns of others on the thread that the OP could be let go at this early stage of employment if she's deemed insufficiently committed.

Loopytiles · 22/05/2019 16:42

Am not a lawyer! But sex discrimination comes to mind, since women are more likely to have caring responsibilities.

RomanyQueen1 · 22/05/2019 16:44

Your kids should fit round your work, not your employer fitting round your domestic life.
Yes, you and dh should cover illness days between you.
if this isn't possible you need to find a job where they are more flexible.

ilovesooty · 22/05/2019 16:45

I doubt if it would be sex discrimination to suggest that the OP share the caring responsibilities at home though.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 22/05/2019 16:46

How would she know anyways? If he's looking after them,you'd be at work. Unless she expects you to announce on the day every single time your DH is at home looking after the kids.

ilovesooty · 22/05/2019 16:50

She wouldn't know in practice unless the OP told her but I still think it needs to be borne in mind that employment is precarious until you have two years' service.

jackparlabane · 22/05/2019 16:52

I agree it's not the manager's business what DH does, but they do need to make a point that backup childcare needs to be planned for, and IME loads of families don't seem to have even considered the father taking time off for sick children, especially given the number who are shocked because my DP normally does it (I take other kid to school on my way to work, he often works from home anyway)

Figgygal · 22/05/2019 16:53

Personally this is one of the reasons why my children went to nursery especially if I have no family to provide emergency cover in instances of cm illness

ReanimatedSGB · 22/05/2019 16:54

It is not your manager's business. if you are taking a lot of time off, whatever the reason, then it would not be unreasonable for management to want to find out what the issue is - not all jobs can cope with someone who needs a great deal of time off, after all - but until you've gone past whatever the standard limit is, they need to keep their beaks out of your private life.

Figgygal · 22/05/2019 16:55

To all of you shouting discrimination discrimination as she suffered exactly the managers just had a conversation with her !!

She can express her opinion that they should both be taking equal responsibility in the circumstances if she starts to treat her differently because of her care responsibilities maybe she would have a leg to stand on but at the moment nothing has happened. The fact that you've been paid in the circumstances is already over and above the legal position which is that dependents leave in such circumstances would be unpaid.

slashlover · 22/05/2019 16:57

Am not a lawyer! But sex discrimination comes to mind, since women are more likely to have caring responsibilities.

They wouldn't say that it was because of the kids though.

Hecateh · 22/05/2019 16:57

A HR person told me once that the lower earner in the household is expected to take the time off and not the higher earner.

we all know why this is - don't we?

If it were a man, and he was grilling the man as to why his wife was not 'taking the hit', when you are contractually entitled to take carers leave, would this be deemed appropriate? I think not.

I suspect men are generally given a harder time because it happened so rarely until recently.

AuditAngel · 22/05/2019 17:05

DH works a shift pattern usually resulting in 2 week days off. I can do my job from home (excluding meetings) DH cannot.

If we have a sick child, on DH’s off days he has them, otherwise 8 work from home. If necessary we split the day. But I have never been questioned as to whether it was appropriate for it to be me taking time off.

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