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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pushy parent?

28 replies

Daytimetellysucks · 22/05/2019 11:06

Namely, my DH

My daughter (14) is horse mad and has been riding for years.

For a few years, until fairly recently, she had a pony on loan but she got too big for him, so a few months ago we were lucky enough to be able to find her her own pony.

She had been doing a lot of local pony club-type competitions and shows with her loan - she likes the cross country/jumping type stuff and they did really well together.

We’ve had the new pony a few months now, it’s going well but DD wants to stick with hacking and schooling while they get to know each other and build up that bond. She wants to have a go at western style riding as well

DH is being a complete pushy parent over it - he wants her to get back into the shows and competitions straight away, then throws ‘oh, we bought you a horse’ at her every time she doesn’t want to do something he suggests

He has a trailer licence and used to take her out and about so they spent a lot of time together - I get that he enjoyed it and misses it. He drives her to the yard before school and every evening to feed/muck out, and stuff like that, goes for miles on his bike with her if there’s no one for her to hack out with.

DD is so grateful and realises how lucky she is and really doesn’t want to upset her Dad, but he needs to back off and let her decide what she wants to do with her pony

We had words last night - he brought up a show that’s on at the weekend that DD has already said several times she doesn’t want to do and she lost her rag with him and now he’s not happy that she shouted at him

I don’t know how to get through to him

OP posts:

TheInebriati · 22/05/2019 11:18

Your DD is right, the pony needs to bond with her and she needs to train it. Its pretty shocking that he needs to have that explained to him, he should understand its a large, live animal, not a machine.

I wonder if it would help if you explain that she doesn't want to be shown up in public by a poorly trained animal, and needs time to train it up to standard?

Halloumimuffin · 22/05/2019 11:28

She can't just turn up at a show with a completely new pony! They won't have trained together, new pony might not box well, might get anxious in crowds, anything could happen. He's being ridiculous.

Original poster

Daytimetellysucks · 22/05/2019 11:28

Her pony is schooled. It’s been-there-done-that and bombproof on the roads.

It’s just that DD would like to spend time hacking around the local bridleways and and working in our sand school so they can get to know each other and build up that bond before she goes out to do shows and competitions.

I think she’s also coming out of the Pony Club thing and wants to have a go at different stuff

OP posts:

mbosnz · 22/05/2019 11:29

How about reminding him that while it is great that he's so involved, it is HER hobby, and she should be allowed to enjoy it in the way she wants, at the pace she wants. He is taking over, and in danger of turning her off it completely.

herculepoirot2 · 22/05/2019 11:38

Has he said why it matters so much?

Original poster

Daytimetellysucks · 22/05/2019 11:55

Thanks!

She’s a good rider, plus she has ambitions to work with horses and go to agricultural college so I think he finds it a bit frustrating that she wants to take a step back.

A lot of other people on our yard like to air their opinions on it - “oh, just tell her to get straight back into it” type thing.

OP posts:

herculepoirot2 · 22/05/2019 12:00

Does he think she is damaging her chances of achieving those things? It sounds like his interference is well-intended. I agree he needs to let her make her own choices.

Original poster

Daytimetellysucks · 22/05/2019 12:26

The college she wants to go to, and the degree she wants to do is quite competitive, so yes, I think that’s part of it

He’s definitely well intentioned, I just think that even if her decision is the wrong one, it’s still her decision to make

Part of her issue is her confidence. She hates people watching her. With her old loan pony, they knew each other inside out so it was fine. Her new one is lovely and they’re working brilliantly together so far, but there is the fear of screwing up or falling off in front of everyone. He kind of thinks the longer she leaves it, the worse it’ll be

OP posts:

herculepoirot2 · 22/05/2019 12:29

I don’t think he is entirely without a point, to be honest. It’s still her decision, but if she is damaging her chances of doing what she wants to do...

Original poster

Daytimetellysucks · 22/05/2019 12:33

Oh, I definitely see his point, but at the same time, I think he’s in danger of putting her off completely.

We need to find a compromise I think

She wants to try some different stuff - she’s interested in Western riding and wants to have a go at some schooling with her pony, spend the summer hacking and schooling and stuff like that

OP posts:

mbosnz · 22/05/2019 12:34

It sounds like they both have valid points. But I do think that if there's a confidence issue, it's priority number one, and she needs to be given time and space to develop that relationship and confidence with the new pony.

One bad fall can completely shatter your nerve and confidence, as I can sadly attest to. And then it would all be for nowt, anyways.

herculepoirot2 · 22/05/2019 12:39

Compromise does sound like the way forward.

pelirocco123 · 22/05/2019 12:46

maybe he is missing the social side of it?
Not meaning to be rude , but I doubt she is at a level where she is going to be competing at a high level , because she would already be doing that by 14 and if she is lacking confidence now its not going to happen.
How big is the new pony ? or does she have a horse , its not clear
Is she going to Hartpury by any chance?

AlphaBites · 22/05/2019 12:54

This is timely as I'm worried I'm turning into your DH .
My DD is just 10 and has grown up with horses around as I have them, so I don't think she appreciates it. DH used to ride as well. Never any mention of getting her own, nor was she guided into it. She asked to start at 6, so she had a birthday pony party and that was it. She asked for lessons later as she just sat on our own unbroken youngster pony for the occasional bimble about.
She started lessons last year, but got a fright in one lesson towards the end of the summer and refused to come off the lead rein. Gave up over the winter (I didn't fancy being out in the mud/cold much either) but she asked to go back again.
We're a year on and she refuses to let go of the handle in trot, she drops the reins and just holds on. Can ride and has a good enough rhythm but will not let go, after last lesson a fortnight ago both H and I decided it was a waste of time as she insists on having the lead rein person still next to her at a walk and when horse just followed the leader in the lesson it was a bit pointless, especially at £40 a bloody lesson (group!)
We pretty much called it a day as she was day dreaming up there and after a year of this it's getting a bit costly, I've let her go on trail rides occasionally with the RS as she enjoys those more but this is nose to tail in a line for half an hour with someone leading the horse and I can do that at home for free!
Told her we were calling it a day and lo behold she then asked to ride pony at home with no lead rein and she did it for 5 mins before wanting to hop off and go run around the field.
Mention of the pony going though is tears and refusal. I'm a bit fed up paying 100's a month keeping a big dog who gets sat on once a month, if I ask if she wants to go out it's 'Not today, I'm a bit tired.' but always has energy for the fecking computer game .
If I mention of taking pony out for a lesson I've been told I'm forcing her interest by H and turning into a pushy parent forcing my own interest on her. I really don't want to be a pushy parent but I also know with a bit of encouragement she would enjoy it.
Brownies gets a refusal most Tuesday nights but when she's there she has fun and comes home saying she enjoyed it. I can't use that same rule with riding as 'that's different'.
I can't win 🙄.

mbosnz · 22/05/2019 12:56

Alphabites, in your situation, I'd be selling the pony. She's just not that into it. And you're right, it's hugely expensive!

Beaubird83 · 22/05/2019 13:13

My eldest daughter goes horse riding weekly, sometimes twice weekly, and whilst she doesn’t have her own horse she has ridden the same one at the school for 3 years.
She says she ‘knows’ him, and can tell if he can’t be bothered or just wants a quick ride. She used to visit him to groom him when she was a lot younger.

I think that if your daughter is going to be competing in competitions, I can see where she’s coming from. It’s a new horse, and you need to get to know the horse, know his cues, and get confidence back. I wouldn’t expect my daughter to just hop on a new horse and go galloping off.

mbosnz · 22/05/2019 13:16

Incidentally OP, does your DH ride, or have they ever? If not, do they think they ought to perhaps defer to the one who DOES, as perhaps having a bit more of a clue?!

Original poster

Daytimetellysucks · 22/05/2019 14:21

Thanks!

DH does ride but not to the same level as DD, he caught the bug a couple of years ago

She’s day dreaming about Hartpury, but to be honest, I don’t know how realistic she’s being. There are a couple of colleges that do what she’s interested in

She’s not massively competitive. She’s mostly done the Pony Club/unaffiliated stuff round here. She did some affiliated last year but that was more because it’s the next step and what’s expected. She’s happiest tearing round the local cross country course or out with the blood hounds

There’s loads of shows and comps round here over the summer, if he gave it a rest, she’d probably decide herself that she fancied getting back out

OP posts:

mbosnz · 22/05/2019 14:24

Is she really sure that's what she wants to do? I hope she's keeping her options open, because it's not an easy life, and you've really got to love it. And I just wonder if her interest might (naturally enough at this age), be on the wane to it being a hobby rather than a passion or a career choice. And maybe she feels like she's kind of nailed her colours to the mast? Apologies if I'm speaking out of turn - obviously I don't know your daughter. And I could be projecting a bit, lol.

Original poster

Daytimetellysucks · 22/05/2019 14:32

No, I do wonder that myself

I think that sometimes your hobby should stay your hobby. Sometimes you lose part of the passion and love for it when it becomes something you have to do rather than something you want to do - if that makes sense

She’s keenest on the equine science/groom/coaching/schooling side of it. Competing - not so much.

She’s got a thing for western style riding at the moment, also interested in stunt/trick riding - the scare the shit out of your mum stuff

OP posts:

Karigan195 · 22/05/2019 14:34

Daughter is right. She and pony need time to get to know each other inside out before they try a high stress environment. Maybe she’s working on balance or control and isn’t ready to show yet. He needs to back off and let her bond in her own way

Karigan195 · 22/05/2019 14:35

Oh and also if she’s interested in the stunt side there’s a place called the centre of horseback combat which is an excellent safe place to learn.

mbosnz · 22/05/2019 14:35

I think that way exactly.

My daughter would love to pursue a career with horses. Then I pointed out that her champagne tastes don't exactly correspond with an equine career.

So now she's looking at other options to fund her horse-riding.

Which to be very frank, I wonder whether her passion (she's coming up to 14) is on the wane too, a wee bit. She certainly doesn't seem to be pushing us to get her back into riding after shifting here several months ago!

The stunt-riding is enough to turn your hair grey, and you to strong drink!

Karigan195 · 22/05/2019 14:37

Nonsense. Stunt riding done right is just as safe and fun as normal jumping. Start with a bit of horse archery and move on to the interesting stuff afterwards :)

RomanyQueen1 · 22/05/2019 14:38

It's her decision what she intends to do, but I see his point.
What an absolute star taking her where she needs to be all the time, a lot of parents wouldn't invest so much time.
And I don't mean because he's a Dad, I'd say it of any parent.

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