To wonder why people want you to feel stressed about motherhood.

[Beebeezed]

Ever since I got pregnant and had my baby I have realised I that so many people like to tell you the worst parts of pregnancy, labour and motherhood.

Once I announced my pregnancy and explained I felt much better after a tough 3 months, the response was mainly ‘oh you wait til the third trimester!’ ... third trimester comes, tell people I’m mainly ok but feeling more tired... ‘ohh you wait till the baby is here. Then you’ll know what tiredness is!’

Baby arrives... tell people how I’m feeling (which is quite good actually overall, have been blessed with a good sleeper and feeder). The main response is ‘oh you wait for the teething, or the terrible twos etc’... it’s almost like people don’t want you to be enjoying it, and if you are they want you to be aware the tough is yet to come.

My hairdresser is pregnant, and I told her about my labour and she burst in to tears saying I was the first person to tell her a slightly positive labour story. (I left out some bits for the exact reason of this post!) So far all she has heard has been the horror stories and she’s petrified. I just don’t see why people feel the need to do this?!

I totally understand people have really tough times, but I just feel conveying this to pregnant people/new mothers is slightly mean.

Why can’t people just let new Mother’s enjoy the moment rather than telling them all the negatives they are going to deal with in the future?! Unless of course you’re really good friends, but I’m talking about Acquaintances or even people on public transport!

Has anyone else found this?

She said 'you must have a good baby', and my sister turned to her and said 'no, she's just a good mum!'. It was the first time anyone had actually complimented my parenting instead of being negative and I've kept that mindset since.

Ah yes, because those mothers whose babies have reflux, or allergies, or just aren't very settled - they're shit mums whose babies would have been happy if they'd been as good as you, aren't they?

DS was miserable a lot of the time between 5 and 7 months because he got six teeth in that time and hated wanting to but not being able to move. He cheered right up at 7 months because we had a (temporary) respite from teething and he learned to crawl. I guess I must have decided to stop being such a crap mum and become a good one, and that's why he stopped grizzling and starting crawling about smiling all day?

@MummyBear2352 You are assuming everyone's experience is like yours. My pregnancy was marvelous, I loved being pregnant. Didn't experience not one second of sickness, no pain. Sugar a bit high, so watched my diet. If we had spoken, you'd be saying, SVRT is a bitch, she lied to me and told me it was marvelous. No, I just spoke from my experience.

@Findingthingstough18 my baby did have reflux, and I made sure I did everything I could to help him. I worked damn hard to get into a routine and choose food which helped him. So thanks to me my baby was happier.

But go ahead and be the type of person this thread is about....

@whatawolly do you have one child by any chance? Out of my two one was very settled and content, but the other was unsettled and hard work. I wasn't a shit mum with one and suddenly a good mum with the other. There's lots of different factors that change your experience.

She said 'you must have a good baby', and my sister turned to her and said 'no, she's just a good mum!'. It was the first time anyone had actually complimented my parenting instead of being negative and I've kept that mindset since

I had the easiest baby ever, she was a breeze. Nothing to do with parenting, it was pure luck that she didn't have allergies, constipation, reflux, teething pain. I also think it's down to baby's personality as well. She's still very easy going now at 8.

whatawolly

My sister so far ahs had a lovely pregnancy but said to me that God its not like yours.
I was in pain, proper pain, from hips. I couldn't walk far and it was horrendous. Plus as I'm. 6ft I didn't look pregnant, so everyone just thought I was weird.
My birth was actually okay to start with then horrendous, ds in distress, lots of people, bad tares then surgery. Not what I wanted and it was frightening.
I am balanced yes it's totally worth it but also horrific if it goes wrong.

I found this too. I know that apparently there are some people who are not prepared and want to hear horror stories but it took us 5 years to conceive and I'd had more than enough horror stories thanks! I don't know why people do it, it's unnecessary and cruel and selfish.

All you can do is be honest about your own experiences. I love pregnancy. I hated having a newborn. I try to be honest about that without scaremongering so that women feel able to turn to me if they're struggling.

You can only really talk in detail about your own experiences. I could descibe how I was marathon running until the day I gently sneezed DS out, then went for a celebratory jog the next day followed by a 12 hour sleep... but that's a heap of lies.

I'm in awe of women that can just kind of live normally in pregnancy. I just lurched from mega nausea that caused me to lose weight while growing bump because I could barely eat for 4 months then it merged seemlessly into the chronic agony and immobility of SPD. At the same time I can recognise that it was "merely" fucking miserable and painful rather than the worry of being affected by serious conditions.

Apart from two tough births that took months to recover from, my babies were both reasonably straightforward. No rush to sleep through, but I was prepared for that. There were phases where the sleep deprivation was particularly tough especially with DS1. From toddlerhood he's been the more challenging child... we are now at the stage of identifying SNs. Again there are so many people that have much tougher situations.

It is so important that we can be honest about our experiences of motherhood, positive or otherwise. Some phases suit some people more than others. Some people have more complications and challenges to deal with.

What I don't like is anything less than rose tinted being referred to as "horror stories" and trying to censor people's experiences. Some women are genuinely traumatised by their experiences and chatting about it may be their only form of therapy at a vulnerable time. Likewise I wouldn't want to censor straightforward experiences (unless someone is getting too sanctimonius about it and moralising over how wonderful their decisions were through complete ignorance that everyone has different circumstances).

It's a new and quite a relief to be able to confess to finding motherhood a struggle or even less than perfect. It probably helps a lot of people to know that they aren't the only ones finding it tough.

I'm glad that you're enjoying your new baby though.

I genuinely think it’s a trauma bonding thing? People tell you the bad bits almost in solidarity so you don’t feel weak for admitting it’s hard (even though you sound like you’re coping fine). Agree it all feels a bit negative and patronising but the brutality of birth and the reality of tiredness with a young baby is such a shock to the system for so many women that acknowledging someone else is also going through / has gone through it really helps.

I'm in awe of women that can just kind of live normally in pregnancy.

Don't be. I had a really physically pregnancy so just did everything (work, walking everywhere, etc) more or less as normal - but it's luck, not something to be in awe of! I didn't have the challenges you did, and I wouldn't have coped any better with them if I had. Getting through a really tough pregnancy is much more awe-inspiring than just having an easy one!

Just like the woman who had a happy baby because she was so awesome upthread, we can't both tell women it's not their fault if it's tough and then tell them that they've done something brilliant if it's easy. I had a difficult time conceiving, a really easy pregnancy, a medium to good birth, a baby whose sleep I really struggled with but who in some other ways has been quite easy - all of that is luck of the draw, none of it is some personal attribute of mine.

It sounds like people are just trying to make conversation and have a jovial chat.
Unless you think they have shady motives and want to make you feel unhappy I’d just grin and get on with your day!

I have said this many times! I never wanted kids for this reason and when I met DH and changed my mind I still felt a huge horrible anxiety due to people bombarding me with negativity and horror stories and insisting it would be so difficult! I found labour insanely easy compared with the bloody horrific nightmarish horror stories I'd had described to me, and I find I have none of the problems everyone literally insisted I'd face once I had kids. I get that the experience is different for everyone but I can't help but feel a bit resentful that my first pregnancy was ruined by people gleefully trying to make me feel really anxious and worried!

Yes, definitely. I have teens now and still people like to offer unwanted advise and ‘warnings’ (interestingly, always the kinds of parents who struggled with parenting).

I know exactly what you mean OP, I found, even 40+ years ago, that unless you had horror stories to tell, other women were quite nasty, you were in some way cheating, the favourite stupid phrase being 'You don't know you're born'.

"I don't know why people do it, it's unnecessary and cruel and selfish"

Or it is informative and a useful counter perspective which illustrates that there are many and varied experiences of child birth and child raising....

Are people really not able to sift and filter information

Everyones journey is different. Not sure exactly what you're asking OP.

Childbirth is still the biggest killer of women worldwide, I presume that’s where the horror stories emanate from. As little as 50 years ago mothers and children would have routinely died, that is still living memory for more than 50% of the population.

I’ve always tried to do a balance so if i am talking about my first, crappy labour I try and talk about friends with easy ones too. However, sometimes people don’t want to hear the positives as you just sound smug. As an example, both of my babies have slept through from 8 weeks. I have the sense not to share this freely as most mums are majorly sleep deprived and don’t want to hear about someone having it good. People bond through challenge and a chance to moan.

Fact is no two women, no two pregnancies, no two labours and no two babies are the same. For some pregnancy is relatively easy, for others it’s 9 months of hell. For some labour is a long, horrific, painful ordeal, others sail through it in no time. Some people have lovely babies who feed easily and sleep like a dream, others have something more closely resembling a Tasmanian devil sent to punish them.

So there’s no point saying “why wasn’t I warned how awful it is?” because for lots of people it isn’t awful. There’s no point saying “why did people make so afraid when it’s not that bad at all?” Because for some people it is that bad.

I’m pregnant with my first and I’ve been getting all sorts of unsolicited advice and stories. I tend to smile, nod and forget.

All experiences are valid so it's not like you should say nothing if you've had a difficult time. I would always be honest about my terrible birth (7 years, 2 operations later still having problems) if I'm asked, but I would be careful not to generalise. I heard a range of good and bad experiences before I became a parent so I had an idea of the wide range that is normal. It certainly helped when I had breastfeeding problems that I knew it was common.

This is exactly what I found, when I had DS (and even now to some degree) I thought everything was awful, his crying, feeding when actually it’s normal but because everyone told me it was awful I thought it was. It was like it gave me that thought and then I couldn’t shake it. People should be more balanced, there are good bits and hard bits but I hate feeling like everyone is trying to put a downer on it!

I think people need to be more honest regarding those who have not yet become pregnant. If I'd known what it was really like being a mother I would have kept the great life I had.

Once people are having a baby there is no point telling them the reality as its too late - and they'll find out for themselves.