To think lots of women have very low standards for relationships?

[clairemcnam]

So many women seem to put up with terrible behaviour from their partners/husbands. And other women minimise this behaviour. I know it is difficult to find decent relationships, but having low standards of acceptable behaviour is setting you up for being with at worse someone abusive and at best a total prat.

Yeah, I think you're right. Some women settle for right shits.
I've known a lot of women to do it, most deserve far better. I have a friend who cooks, cleans and works full time, then gets told shes a shit mum because she goes to work to pay their Bills

My MIL settled for a very, very selfish man whos never had her or their son as an interest high on his list.

Just tonight I found myself explaining to DH that I am absolutely at the end of my tether for 9 years he has questioned and questioned every movement I've made, and that it's got to the point where I'm scared to do anything wrong, and I've got no confidence, and that he really needs to stop It because my anxiety and depression gets worse when hes around. Prime example as I know now tha
t he brings too many problems for this to ever be a happy relationship

I wouldn't say I have low standards.
Middling to low, maybe.
All that really matters to me is that OH isn't abusing me or my children like previous partners.
The toilet habits, laziness and hygiene issues are a work in progress.

I wouldnt date a man who sent ME a dick pic let alone if he sent one to anyone else.

I like gents not bad boys.

You are right. Myself and my friends are mostly in toxic and / or abusive relationships. I would not have predicted this for any of us. None of us have the courage to end things despite being courageous and adventurous in other areas of our lives. Until you are in that situation it is very hard to empathise or understand what keeps you there. I suppose all of us are tolerant kind people who put others first and see the good in people and it is hard to accept that you can’t help your partner to be happy and kind too. We do make excuses for their behaviour - they must be unhappy, stressed, have low self esteem etc etc. We feel sorry for them even though they are treating us badly. We want our family units to survive and not to give up on working on our relationships. Personally I am scared of the repercussions of forcing a split too. I have learnt to cope with a shit relationship, but the thought of the upheaval and nastiness that will occur if I do try to make a break fills me with complete dread. Also there are finances and childcare issues that would become much harder without the partnership. Am just quietly dreaming of meeting a kind loving man somewhere down the line in about 8 years when our DD is older and leaving for Uni. Or at least leaving a quiet happy life on my own. I wish I could become brave enough to instigate a separation sooner but I have very little support and honestly I am too scared.

Mummadeeze I am so very sorry. I have absolutely nothing to suggest but I will be thinking of you and hoping that you find a way forward on your terms.

YourSarcasmIsDripping

I agree with what you say. I have been bullied too in various situations - at school, in my first job and in relationships too. In each case, looking back, I can remember the strong sense of shame, wanting to keep it all secret, and how long it took for me to realise that I wasn't actually doing anything wrong. However, in each case I also went into the situation not expecting anything to be wrong: the bad behaviour developed over time.

Whereas compared to these friends of mine, the bad behaviour was actually clear to them right from day 1. So it wasn't the same. I could even describe it in a syllogism like this:

• My friends all have boyfriends
• They are all shits
• Therefore I must have a boyfriend who is a shit.

And of course two other conclusions follow from this:

• I cannot be single
• I cannot date a boy who is not a shit (because he does not fit the boyfriend template I do not fancy him).

It looks completely irrational, but it does have its own rationality if one recalls that for young people, role models are all very well, but the most important role models are your peers: your friends.

And thus the template is set for adulthood.

It would explain Scottishdoll's point earlier that even women from good family backgrounds will get caught up in abuse.

I have had mostly the same experience when young amongst my friends. You know what baffled me the most? That no one, not one person ever told those girls (or me) that they deserved better,that they are better.

Yes people rarely say anything to women in these relationships. I was in a shit relationship when I was young. I remember talking to someone about how we were working at our relationship. She gently said that you shouldn't have to work so hard to make a relationship okay. She was right and her words helped me get out of that relationship. I got very depressed in that relationship and it was only later I realised that it was actually anger turned inwards. I was actually furious at the way I was being treated.

I am sorry to hear that so many on this thread are in shit relationships. And I know it is hard to get out of them. But I always remember what another friend said - would you leave this relationship if he was openly cheating on you? And if the answer is yes you would, then it is possible to get out of the relationship, all the practicalities aside. I do understand being scared to leave though, the unknown is scary, and most women in shit relationships have very low confidence because of the relationship, which makes it much harder.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3593144-First-Date-who-pays?pg=1

Can we extend this to include friendships? There are so many threads that start I have a friend ... And every time the first response is thats not a friend.

Interesting thread. I have found myself stunned by what I have read on MN but think I am learning from it and hope to teach son's and daughter about healthy relationships.
My dh is a wonderful, kind, generous husband and absolutely dedicated father.
He had lovely parents.
My parents had a poor marriage and it certainly wasn't an example I'd emulate.
My father was selfish and my mother humoured him for most of their life together.
I would have been quite wary of men and would have always expected to be treated well.
I certainly did not have a high opinion of men, which has stood to me.

I have already spoken to my daughter who is pre teen about the importance of boundaries.
I do think rushing into have children after a short time together can leave women very vulnerable.

I am a sahm (with my own money) but having read MN I will definitely be advising my DD not to put herself in a position of such vulnerability.

I also believe it is critically important that girls are taught the importance of loving themselves.
Not to put others before themselves.
This is a recipe for disaster.

You can love and value yourself and not be a selfish bitch. But this is often the choice presented to women.

My father was an abusive bully. I went on to marry an abusive bully. I thought the behaviour was normal because it’s what I saw my mother tolerate and what I was brought up with.
I’d rather stay on my own than put up with any crap anymore. I’m lucky I got away. I had a good career but my mother didn’t and so was more or less trapped.

I think part of it is because men, on average, seem less enthusiastic about commitment than women do. Look at all those threads where a woman wants to marry her boyfriend but he refuses. I think many women feel like their partner is already compromising by being in a relationship with her rather than enjoying the single life, so they put up with appalling treatment because they don't want him to leave.

This is true. @vanice1989, so if you're in your thirties without children but wanting children and single but wanting a relationship that was stable enough to bring a child in to the world, then you're already aware that you are losing power.

I didn't even realise I had settled though. I was 5'1'', I didn't have a degree, I had no 'profession''. My x was 6' 1'' and he had a degree as well as professional qualifications and he had savings and a career and to begin with I thought I was lucky to have him. I certainly didn't realise or identify with ''settling'' until much later when I started to focus on how I FELT in his company (nervous, anxious, fearful). So when people say ''women settle'' I think they should define what they mean by settling. I thought I'd hit the jackpot when I met my xh. He was handsome and he had it all sewn up.

Only later did I realise that I was a HUMAN being and he was a narcissist and so it was me who was settling for his defective vacuum of a personality. TOOK a while to see it though.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3593144-First-Date-who-pays