To be irrationally upset when I see someone is doing well financially

[gublercullen]

Ok so I already know I'm being unreasonable. Bit of backstory. I had bacterial meningitis last year and was hospitalised, really poorly etc ended up with a permenant brain injury which basically means I'm now living with excess fluid surrounding my brain which causes chronic pain. I also have a tremor and muscle weakness caused by nerve damage, also from the BM. So I went from healthy, happy partner and working mum of two young kids to an absolute Trainwreck, I lost my job because I'm newly disabled and pretty emotionally unstable. My partner has a good job and we make enough to make ends meet, just. We lift paycheck to paycheck so to speak. For example at the minute we've cleared out the overdraft and we aren't due any money until the child tax credits go in on Thursday.

My issue is that everytime I hear that someone has bought a new car or is thinking of buying a bigger house or going on holiday I literally can't contain how upset and angry I feel. It isn't directed towards them as a person...it's as if I can't get over how unfair it is that we had that lifestyle or stability and now within 12 months it's gone. Can someone please just tell me to get my shit together so I can stop being an awful human being

Comparison is the thief of joy

You’re obviously not an awful human being and your reaction is completely understandable IMO.

The way I combat “compare and despair” is to try and count my blessings - it sounds cheesy but writing down 3 things a day that you are grateful for is a good start. Even if those things are “the daffodils came out in the garden”. And just try to ignore everyone else. A holiday is a fleeting experience - and you will have them again.

It's understandable you feel this way but not exactly unfair because many people live this way and it's through no fault of their own, life is very cruel sometimes. Sorry to hear about your illness

Its not irrational. You are grieving your potential life, which has been completely flipped upside down after events from last year.

Have you been offered any counselling or support? Because it is normally to be angry / sad / depressed or any sort of emotion after you have gone through a life-changing upheaval.

I’m so sorry about what you’ve been through.
‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ is such a trite thing to say in this situation mooncup
I would imagine that you have not had a chance to adjust to your change of circumstances. I think what you are feeling is normal and understandable. Have you had any counselling? I think you need to work through everything you have been through in order to get some peace. No other advice apart from be kind to yourself and certainly don’t beat yourself up over feeling jealous

What a bloody ridiculous thing to type @mooncuplanding.
The OP has been through a major trauma affecting her ability to earn a living. A bit of compassion goes a long way.

This sounds really crap. I'd usually say comparison is etc.. but this has absolutely blindsided you. You are perfectly entitled to fell aggrieved. Are you expected to recover much? Are you claiming any PIP?

The OP has been through a major trauma affecting her ability to earn a living. A bit of compassion goes a long way.

Yes an incomparable experience to the people she is comparing herself against. The saying still stands. Life can be cruel - to some more than others. It is not compassionate to encourage someone to become bitter. It is compassionate to recognise that this is really tough, life is tough and that this change has been a big knock, but not one that necessarily needs to remove all joy from OPs life.

Thank you for such compassionate replies, I honestly appreciate it, I really struggle internally with these feelings because a lot of them are aimed at friends and family which is obviously pretty tough so it's nice to have some understanding (and know I'm possibly not as bad a person as I thought I was!)

Unfortunately for me recovery won't happen, I'm waiting for a neuro-physio referral to help with the muscle weakness and tremors but the chronic pain/pressure from the excess fluid around my brain won't go away, I could have a shunt put in but this obviously brings a whole new set of problems and isn't necessarily a permenant fix.

Believe it or not I hadn't considered counselling, despite a history of anxiety and depression! I might get in touch with my GP and see what they think, it tends to be CBT they offer and that does nothing for me, but it would be nice to talk to someone about everything. I'm currently in the 6 week wait for a PIP decision, I had my face to face interview last week so fingers crossed I get something from that which would take some pressure off. I feel a lot of guilt from that to be honest, I had a great career before all this so being on PIP at 26 years old isn't exactly what I was aiming for (again with the bitterness!)

Sorry about what you've been through . Sucks doesn't it? I came on to say that comparing is normal and jealousy is a normal human emotion although we are made to feel bad about it.

My career and circumstances have changed recently due to maternity leave and moving countries... it annoys me irrationally to see others do well when I feel I could have been there as well. What's helped me is talking about it with my DH, coming to terms with how some things cannot be "fixed". I've also thrown my self into part time volunteering and pursuing retraining. I think the positive thing that's come out of me been jealous is to motivate me to look for alternative ways to improve myself and my remaining career. Would this be possible for you?

Wishing you all the best xx

So sorry this has happened to you. We went through a crap time for a few years - DP had a serious illness and couldn't work. I was working part-time but I was lucky I got a FT job pretty quickly. I felt the way you do for ages - I was happy that friends had good luck but a bit of me thought 'why us?' But - things did get better.

We lived on a pretty strict budget but always tried to get a holiday or short break - even if its not too far and for 2 nights it can really lift your spirits to get away. If you can manage your illness away from home I'd really recommend it.

Things have got better for us - my DP is back working full-time and I have a better paid job too. Funny thing is now we don't get as much family time as when we were skint so I guess it's a pay off. :)

Comparison is the thief of joy
What a horribly simplistic statement to something which is actually a real issue.

Like telling someone with grief or depression just to cheer up or get over it. Or telling someone who has just had yet another failed IVF to just be happy for their friend having their 4th child without even trying.

When something catastrophic happens to change your life, it is human nature to see others getting on with life and to feel bad about it.

DD was diagnosed with a disability aged 2. It was incredibly hard to see younger children than her overtake her in terms of mobility. Even now she is ten, I see her friends going dancing and gymnastics and she can’t do those. Even sports day breaks my heart.

It isn’t comparison which steals the joy, it is grief for a life you thought you would have, but don’t. We can all count our blessings and say there are always those worse off than us. But on my worst day, it doesn’t make it any easier that someone else is struggling too.

OP, I’m not in your situation, but it’s kind of similar. What worked for me was time. Time for our life to start to get better, time for us to realise actually, it’s not as bad as we thought it would be and time to work out how we had to change things to make this new life work for us.

Having spoken to others in my situation, what worked for them was counselling to help deal with their new situation.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I hope you find a way past this shittiest of bits and are able to feel better about your situation before too long.

OP howcome they can't put a stent in to drain it? I have to ask. Sorry.

You've had a horrible year and the irrational jealousy probably reflects what you've just been through more than the person you are.

Focusing on others and their luck or achievements isn't a good recipe for happiness generally, but it's very hard not to do in the immediate aftermath of a crisis. Most of us aren't saints.

If you can question whether feeling this way is reasonable, then you're not awful, just a human being. Go easy on yourself.

Yabbers thank you so much, you've me some clarity on this and further convinced me maybe counselling is the way forward for me. I really don't feel like I can go on living with so much jealousy and anger towards people just because they havena 'better situation' than I do (on the surface of things, obviously I don't know what goes on behind closed doors).

Fiveredbricks I'm currently on a lot of medication to try and drain fluid but the medication is an absolute nightmare for side effects etc, I also get regular lumbar punctures for pain relief. Last resort would be to put a shunt in to drain fluid into my abdomen. It sounds like an easy fix on paper but my consultant is reluctant, purely because there's so many complications that go with shunting. Multiple revisions, complications, blockages and so on. If they drain too little fluid there's no relief, if they drain too much I end up bedridden and back in hospital (which has happened multiple times from lumbar punctures, most recently just last month, I was in hospital for two weeks unable to move my head or sit up, etc). Basically it's a last resort because 50% of them fail but we're getting closer and closer to a shunt as the only option. Don't apologise, I'm just sorry if I bore you, I feel like I can ramble, I'm so used to explaining these things I go onto auto pilot!

Op have a look at the Kubbler Ross model of 5 stages of grief. Very common when you have life changing events, diagnosed with a life long condition etc.

You might be able to refer yourself for counselling. A lot of nhs community / mental health trusts are offering psychological well being self-referral now.
The nhs trust that covers my area advertises on the radio and you can refer and get support by phone, mobile app and face to face counselling rather than having to wait to speak to a GP.
Also, google anxiety and depression with long-term conditions - the presence of these is MUCH higher in people with a long-term condition, so if you've had it in the past, it wouldn't be unusual that you have it again.

Above all, don't be so hard on yourself.

Really feel for you. I have had the same illness but was lucky enough to escape most of the nasty side effects
It sounds awful and I can only commiserate. I saw you mentioned pip - hope all goes well with that and you hear back soon. If you haven't already applied for new style esa then maybe consider it: www.gov.uk/how-to-claim-new-style-esa

It is taxable income so you would need to inform tax credits.

Comparison is the thief of joy

That old chestnut
OP knows full well that comparing herself to others is making her feel shit, that's why she posted. Even if we know that a particular thought or way of thinking isn't helpful, that doesn't mean we can just turn it off like a light switch.

I actually snorted at the "comparison" comment - no shit Sherlock! How helpful to reply with a single clichè. You may as well say "cheer up" and dust your hands off thinking you've solved it

Gubler sorry you feel shit. Is it coming up to the anniversary of you being ill or any other date which is making it worse, or is just a build up of everything?

I've had something similar (not meningitis but brain issue and after affects) and as PP said, the only thing that has helped really has been time - and having a supportive DH. It's been so hard thinking how my life changed drastically without warning and I think it makes you feel vulnerable and that you took stuff for granted - that might just be me?! And your life feels kind of...diminished.

Do you think there could be an element of "anger" at yourself and you're just turning it out externally? It's so easy to think "it's so fucking unfair they're off on holiday again" when we really are thinking "it's so fucking unfair I can't book a holiday with money that I've earned myself and this is how my life is". It is shit and it is depressing and there is no harm in saying so, IMO, it's acknowledgement not self pity (although there can be a fine line)

In practical terms, I hope you get the PIP, I know people who have had problems so if you have a charity dealing with your condition they may be a good port of call. If you're used to having a job it's hard to go to not having that as an anchor. One thing that has helped me is having (the MN favourite ) hobbys (or is it hobbies? Prime example of how my faulty brain enrages me, I used to know this sort of stuff!) I've had to alter my activies, eg started with magazines instead of long books but still get enjoyment. I could go on and on here but things like this really help to fill the time which goes so slowly some days.

I also struggled with the lack of earning (and associated shitshow of houseful finances) and buy and sell little bits of eBay. Not a business and pin money but it helps. I have to accept everything takes so much longer to do too

I also learnt that it helps to talk (and moan) which I never used to do really. I still bottle stuff up to a certain extent and it doesn't help. I hope this thread has been helpful, even just knowing other people feel like this and we aren't awful human beings - we are having normal reactions to shit situations.

If there are charities or forums for people with similar conditions it may be helpful, I'm probably teaching you to suck eggs! Sorry if I am. I also hope I'm not being patronising or unhelpful, I still struggle a lot with stuff myself.

PS I also feel your pain with the LPs, I've been known to refuse them and had to be coaxed one consultant absolutely nailed one for me, and I ask for him now. Some are definitely better than others.

Oooh that was long, sorry!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery you are correct, unfortunately Im well aware this need to compare myself to everyone else in my life isn't helpful but...here I am

And I'm not sure about self referral, I'm in Scotland (with a GP in England, ridiculous, I know) so not sure if it's different but I'll investigate.

OP your title doesnt reflect your story. YANBU predominantly because you said it's not them, it's what happened to you that bothers you.

Forgot to say (after all that waffle!) counselling would most likely be helpful. My hospital dept can refer to specialists and also run "Living with xxxx condition" sessions. Again, it's the acknowledgement of someone saying "yes it's shit isn't it lets see what we can do" that helps. You can offload and express how sad you feel.

Think of it as a lumbar puncture for your mind (hope that isn't offensive!)

OP did you have critical illness cover?

If so check because bacterial meningitis is on the list and it will pay out

Anyone reading - if you have kids especially- get some critical illness cover in place. Sorry OP I hope you dont mind me using your thread to highlight to others the importance of insurance of this type. Good luck and your reaction is totally normal dont feed bad.