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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex asking me to take DS to nursery

39 replies

usere · 20/05/2019 10:25

Bit of back story, we broke up within the past couple of months and I met someone else, he's been pretty unreasonable and petty and subtly tried to make my life quite difficult for a while, all while pretending he doesn't know what I'm talking about when I pull him up on it.

Last week, he was supposed to have DS on Wednesday. I lost my job that day so was feeling pretty horrific and stressed so was thankful that DS would be with his dad so he wouldn't have to see me upset and I could just have some time to feel shit before picking myself back up. I got a text last minute from his dad to say he wasn't feeling well so he can't have him. I'd rang him, explained my situation and asked him if we could just follow through with him having him that night and he did.

A couple of days ago when he had him, he asked me to drop him to nursery (he's always wanted DS 50/50 and made a massive deal that it was so easy for him to get him to nursery on time so what was my problem as I didn't think it'd be easy for him to) and asked me to bring him a packed lunch too because he was 'skint'. I thought it was a one off so I agreed.

Then last night, he said again that he'd have to drop DS off to me this morning so I could drop him to nursery and if I could sort a packed lunch. Fine, but frustrating as I clearly have multiple interviews this week and actually had a doctors appointment this morning too as I've been quite unwell.

I asked (nicely) this morning if he could just bring him to nursery today and I'd drop a packed lunch off otherwise I'd be rushing up to my doctors appointment and still had 2 other interviews. His answer: 'no, I can't. You've got no job so you'll manage'

I brought up about how the only reason he has him on nursery nights is because he made such a big deal that it was more than easy for him to get him to nursery on time and now he won't bring him and won't make him a packed lunch.

AIBU here?

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 20/05/2019 10:29

Is the 50/50 Court Ordered? If so apply to have it enforced. He cannot suddenly cherry pick. If necessary send him a polite letter explaining this, give him 2 weeks to respond then apply to court for an enforcement.

Original poster

usere · 20/05/2019 10:32

@crimsonlake not Court ordered and I'm definitely not happy with it either, just been treading on eggshells unsure what the best path to go is!

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 20/05/2019 10:33

Really, crimson? I don't think so.

blackteasplease · 20/05/2019 10:36

I don't think you can enforce a court order to make a parent have the child. Only to make the other parent hand them over.

YANBU OP but not sure what you can do!

Wallywobbles · 20/05/2019 10:36

Keep a record of everything so you can prove it's not working then go for court ordered contact that actually can be shown in practice to be happening. But to be honest if you are in a new relationship really quickly you've got to expect him to be pretty unhappy about it.

Summerorjustmaybe · 20/05/2019 10:37

No court order can force someone to be a parent unfortunately...
I hope cms is involved though. If he isn't having ds you can get financial help...

UnicornDust9 · 20/05/2019 10:38

Just tell him if he can’t take him to nursery on this day then your be keeping him on that day/night from now on.

Antigon · 20/05/2019 10:38

Hell no, tell him that he wanted 50/50 so needs to stick to it.

And tell him that you'll apply for maintenance if he pulls any more tricks like this again. (I assume that's why he wanted 50/50, so he doesn't have to pay maintenance?)

DogHairEverywhere · 20/05/2019 10:39

Can you just tell him you are not available to receive ds in the morning before nursery. If necessary, stay overnight at a friend's house so you are physically not at home when it suits him. You have interviews coming up, how is he to know what time they are/where they are. Just tell him you are leaving v. early in the morning to make it to your interview on time. Stop facilitating his incompetence.

MRex · 20/05/2019 10:40

Maybe work out how much time you each actually want and then get to rework the contact times from there. I doubt your job interviews are really before nursery opens, and I hope one of you wants the poor kid.

Original poster

usere · 20/05/2019 10:41

@MRex ridiculous comment! My AIBU is about him trying to make life intentionally difficult, not not wanting my child?!

OP posts:

Antigon · 20/05/2019 10:45

Ignore 'Mr' ex, OP. Suspect he's on a wind-up.

HumpHumpWhale · 20/05/2019 10:46

Jesus christ. It's not "not wanting your child" to not want plans changed last minute!
I'd try talking to him about whether he actually wants 50:50 contact. And if he says he does, can you be a bit firm with him, the way he is with you? I.e. "no, I can't." Instead of "please can you stick to the plan"

fedup21 · 20/05/2019 10:48

Why can’t he make a packed lunch?! Have you asked him?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 20/05/2019 10:48

Maybe work out how much time you each actually want and then get to rework the contact times from there.

They already did that. Her ex wanted 50/50 and is now reneging on it. Op hasn’t changed the agreement. He has!

Abbazed · 20/05/2019 10:49

Is he allergic to bread? Does Jan terrify him?

Abbazed · 20/05/2019 10:49

Ham

ILoveMaxiBondi · 20/05/2019 10:51

I'd try talking to him about whether he actually wants 50:50 contact. And if he says he does, can you be a bit firm with him, the way he is with you? I.e. "no, I can't." Instead of "please can you stick to the plan"

Agree with this. When he says “you’ll have to drop him off” just say a firm “no, I won’t be here” and then if you think he’ll just turn up with DS, make sure to be out. Even if you just go out for a coffee or sit in the car/a friends house somewhere.

EggAndButter · 20/05/2019 10:55

Fist of all don't tell your ex ANYTHING about your life anymore bar the minimum he needs to know. He clearly is using it at his advantage and thinks he can decide what you can’t and can’t do for you.

Second, he seems to be able to say NO to you wo second thought. What about you saying NO too?
I mean, as you said he made a massive deal about being able to do the drop off so that’s not an issue for him. The reason why he is DEMANDING that you do the drop off is because it suits him and he has decided he can order you around.
So my answer would be NO. I’m sorry but I’m actually out of the house that morning. The. Be out of the house atvthe time he is ‘dropping your ds off’. I’m sure you’re ur ex will find a way to take his son to school and ensure he has a packed lunch... his day, his problem.

I hope y U have also noticed that he asked you to do your ds packed lunch because he is skint. And is now demanding the same from you KNOWING you are out of work when he is actually working. Does it not look crazy to you??

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 20/05/2019 11:06

Please sort this out before the child gets old enough to be aware - if he isn't already. It's shit having parents arguing over who should be doing things for the kids - it makes them feel really unwanted, even if that isn't your intention.

Lunde · 20/05/2019 11:08

Tellhim that you are going to need to revise the 50:50 as he cannot manage basic parenting on his days

fedup21 · 20/05/2019 11:11

Is he only wanting 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance?

Catchingbentcoppers · 20/05/2019 11:12

FFS if you can't work out what this thread is actually about then perhaps you need a simpler forum. The OP's post is really not terribly complicated.

notapizzaeater · 20/05/2019 11:13

Is he paying maint ? It's not 50/50 if he's dropping off for you to do nursery run.

NotBeingRobbed · 20/05/2019 11:15

50:50 would mean him providing packed lunches on his days. Feeding your kids is a No1 priority! Can he really not afford bread, ham or cheese and a piece of fruit? Then how can he afford nursery?

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