Ex asking me to take DS to nursery

[usere]

Bit of back story, we broke up within the past couple of months and I met someone else, he's been pretty unreasonable and petty and subtly tried to make my life quite difficult for a while, all while pretending he doesn't know what I'm talking about when I pull him up on it.

Last week, he was supposed to have DS on Wednesday. I lost my job that day so was feeling pretty horrific and stressed so was thankful that DS would be with his dad so he wouldn't have to see me upset and I could just have some time to feel shit before picking myself back up. I got a text last minute from his dad to say he wasn't feeling well so he can't have him. I'd rang him, explained my situation and asked him if we could just follow through with him having him that night and he did.

A couple of days ago when he had him, he asked me to drop him to nursery (he's always wanted DS 50/50 and made a massive deal that it was so easy for him to get him to nursery on time so what was my problem as I didn't think it'd be easy for him to) and asked me to bring him a packed lunch too because he was 'skint'. I thought it was a one off so I agreed.

Then last night, he said again that he'd have to drop DS off to me this morning so I could drop him to nursery and if I could sort a packed lunch. Fine, but frustrating as I clearly have multiple interviews this week and actually had a doctors appointment this morning too as I've been quite unwell.

I asked (nicely) this morning if he could just bring him to nursery today and I'd drop a packed lunch off otherwise I'd be rushing up to my doctors appointment and still had 2 other interviews. His answer: 'no, I can't. You've got no job so you'll manage'

I brought up about how the only reason he has him on nursery nights is because he made such a big deal that it was more than easy for him to get him to nursery on time and now he won't bring him and won't make him a packed lunch.

AIBU here?

@usere - You say you aren't happy with 50/50, yet you seem to be finding it's inconvenient to take DS to nursery just as much as your ex. A hug, a lunchbox and up the road wouldn't take long and could be nice. If I was suddenly broken up and not seeing my little boy overnight I'd be distraught and desperate to see him in the morning, while I expect he'd be longing to see me before nursery too.

Of course the father should be doing what's agreed, but you already have a child together and have broken up so criticising him seems fairly pointless. I'd expect someone who really wants more contact to be saying "Week nights are inconvenient to arrange if you aren't dropping him off to nursery too, it's your choice to stick with the arrangement or agree to have less contact. So, do you want one weekend day and holidays contact only now? " I.e. using his crapness to get more contact if that's what you want. You'd still have to do lunch and drop-off if you had DS all the time though, if that's not convenient then what exactly do you want? If it works better for you not to have him all the time then you should be clear about that or advice might not be appropriate.

Ask him which days he wants the child, as this day doesn't seem to be working for him anymore. Maybe he would prefer a day at the weekend?

Great for you, write down every single failure then go back to court to get the 50/50 reversed but don't tell your ex what you're up to.

You say you aren't happy with 50/50, yet you seem to be finding it's inconvenient to take DS to nursery just as much as your ex.

Because it’s short notice and OP had made interview plans because her child was supposed to be at his fathers!! This isn’t OPs time for having her son so of course she has made her interviews for then!

Your ex obviously holds a lot of anger about your break up and the speed you have moved on and to be honest, whilst I dont know the facts, I would assume loads of people would be the same.
I think you need to really talk to him and figure out whats best for the DC, to put your private grudges and gripes that you both have about each other and think how you can work better for the child. It seems to me that your both are more concerned with getting back at each other.

Ah yes, a woman who needs to go to the doctor’s because she is ill or a job interview - in order, presumably, to be able to FEED her child - is deemed selfish and uncaring. A man who can’t be arsed to take his own child to nursery as agreed and won’t provide a lunch when he is working is seen to be just doing what blokes do. Everyday sexism.

Last Wednesday the father was unwell, but OP didn't take the baby. Friday (presumably "few days ago" is Friday) and Monday he says he hasn't sorted packed lunch and drop-off. Of course he's not caring properly for his DS this past week, but he isn't here to be criticised. OP is here; if she wants more than 50/50 custody then she'll get advice accordingly, but that advice is completely pointless when it looks like that isn't what she actually wants.

You need a court order OP. However, having said that, the court order that I have only applies to me it seems. Ex can cancel, go on holiday, reduce contact etc whenever he feels like it and at a moments notice. However, God help me if I were to do that! He can't pick and choose and frankly if he can't afford to feed him, he shouldn't be having him anyway. You are perfectly entitled to make plans around contact and expect for it to be stuck to. Like my ex, he doesn't actually want the effort that has to go into it and it's the last thing they have to control you with. I am going back to court to enforce. I strongly suggest you have a contact order put in place.

Last Wednesday the father was unwell, but OP didn't take the baby.

It wasn’t OPs scheduled day to have him, it was his father’s day. You don’t get to opt out of parenting when you’re sick. Unless you’re actually going into hospital. He clearly wasn’t.

Friday (presumably "few days ago" is Friday) and Monday he says he hasn't sorted packed lunch and drop-off.

Yes he’s being a crap parent. We know this. What was your point? OP stepped in and picked up his slack on a day when she wasn’t expecting to do it.

Yeah, let's excuse the lazy man and blame the woman for not being more caring.

I'd just say that seeing as he's unwilling to be flexible on his part, you're not willing to change plans at short notice anymore. If he complains, just offer to have your DS more.

Ack let's just ignore the misogyny and pretend he's not there.

Op I'd be telling him if he can't actually do 50/50 then the arrangement needs to change. 50/50 doesn't mean 'I'll have him half the time but you do some of the work for me and provide food.' Go to mediation if you need to. Yes sometimes things don't go to plan and being flexible is good for both of you, but for the most part you do need to be able to plan and being reliable is important.

What's he giving the child for dinner and breakfast if he can't afford to make a basic packed lunch

I'm very lucky that my ex and I are flexible with our ds. Sometimes things crop up (work commitments, weekends away, illness) and we both understand this and will step in to rearrange contact days/nights but it has to work both ways.

So I would say that if you are being asked to do nursery drop off at the last minute then you are within ur rights (as he demanded 50/50) to say OK then that's no probs but I've got something on tomorrow afternoon so it would be handy if u could have ds then for a hour etc.

If he's not willing to be flexible then i would cut the contact down from 50/50 and to times he can commit to 95% of the time.

if he doesn't do drop off in the morning he doesn't get the overnight. and then when he's paying maintenance he'd have to increase it. he might bother then...