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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children (9&10) left alone in house

56 replies

Slipjigger · 20/05/2019 09:31

Hi, my DS aged 9 went to a friend's house last week, his friend is aged 10. I don't really know the family well, they are new to the area but DS and this boy have totally clicked. They have had a couple of playdates in each others houses, both times in my house the mam stayed for 1.5 hrs!!
I'm not overly happy about the friendship as my DS has stopped playing with this usual friends and this boy has no other friends apart from my DS. The boy is nice but has odd behaviour. His mam said he probably has some additional needs, this doesn't bother me or my DS as I have a nephew with ADHD and other needs but it probably explains the lack of other friends and the odd behaviour.

I have been trying to encourage DS to play with this other friends too and include this boy so that he makes other friends but the other boy doesn't seem to want anyone else but my DS

Anyway last week my DH arrived at the boy's house to collect DS and the two boys were alone in the house. His friends answered the boor to my DH (they have never met so he was answering the door to a stranger). DS said the boy's mam told them to stay there that she was heading up the town for 5 minutes. DS said she was gone a few minutes when DH arrived, DH said he was there over 5 mins trying to get DS out the door and no sign of the mam nor did he meet her when he drove through the town.

AIBU in thinking you don't leave kids this age home alone especially not a child that is not yours and that you don't have permission to leave alone. I don't know whether my desire to discourage the friendship is clouding my judgment.

We live in a medium sized village, there are 6 houses in the estate where they live beside the busy main road into the village. Next houses are across that road

OP posts:
bringthethunder · 20/05/2019 10:42

titchy I think the iss ue here is that parents who decide to leave their children alone at that age do so because they know their own children's maturity/ ability to react under pressure / habits whilst alone. A random friends' mum does not have the information to make an informed decision about the child's ability to be left alone, and I would be annoyed at her assuming it would be ok.

For all she knows the 10 year old could have a secret pyromaniac tendency and without speaking to the child's mum, she has just taken it upon herself to leave them alone for an uncertain amount of time....

sirfredfredgeorge · 20/05/2019 10:42

I wouldn't leave a playdate child at all. It's someone else's child and you've offered to look after them on the play date not leave them.

They're 9 and 10, they're not playdate children - they're just kids who are playing.

There's a fair chance I wouldn't do it - but only because I know some parents think their children need to be watched over continuously.

Notabedofroses · 20/05/2019 10:42

I wouldn't leave my very sensible 9 year old at home alone. Too young.

Notabedofroses · 20/05/2019 10:43

I am pretty sure your dh assumed the mother would be there!

formerbabe · 20/05/2019 10:46

9/10 is the age at which it's very much down to the parents to decide if being left at home alone. For some, it's fine and for others, it's not. Therefore, the mother should have checked.

anothernotherone · 20/05/2019 10:48

I leave children that age alone but under 13 I've always checked with the other parents.

I only leave other people's children with mine if I know the children quite well - some children are chilled and some wild, and some are different depending on which friends they're with. There are children who's own parents leave them home alone and I'm sure they're fine, but I wouldn't leave alone with my child because of the combination of personalities and them being a silly influence on one another.

All my kids are quite sensible but my 8 year old is trustworthy alone, with either or both siblings and with one friend. I wouldn't leave him with any other friends because he's silly and unpredictable with the others around.

My nearly 12 year old has a friend I wouldn't leave in the house without an adult even for 5 minutes, though another friend I could leave him for a couple of hours with.

RedSkyLastNight · 20/05/2019 10:48

Of course the mother might have asked OP's DS if he knew whether his parents would be happy for him to be left for a few minutes? And he (truthly) answered "yes"?

This is a normal age for "playing out" totally unsupervised. Though if that's the norm in your area, she might not have given it a second though.

HBStowe · 20/05/2019 10:50

If you’re happy to leave your own alone for a few minutes here and there it’s a bit tough to judge someone else for doing the same thing. That said, I wouldn’t do it myself so I see where you’re coming from.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 20/05/2019 10:51

I'm pretty relaxed about leaving my own kids at home for a short time and have been since the youngest was 7 (if with the older siblings). My children know what they are and are not allowed to do when left alone and they have my phone number.

However I would never leave someone else's 9 or 10 year old in my house without first asking if the parents were OK with it.

DecomposingComposers · 20/05/2019 10:59

We had exactly same situation. Went to pick son up and they had been left alone. My son was only 8 though.

It's not on. Fine to make the decision about your own child but not about someone else's. Don't have the friend over if you can't be there to supervise.

TeddybearBaby · 20/05/2019 11:27

I think the issue is that she didn’t ask permission. I left my 9 year old with my 13 year old niece when I popped to the shops but I text the mum of her friend to check it was also ok to leave her daughter. I let them walk around the shops alone too (with my niece) - I checked with the mum again.

My son was left for an entire night at a friends house with an older brother. I didn’t mind but I’d have liked to have been told about it tbh.

Mamabear12 · 20/05/2019 11:33

I was left home alone from age 9! It started with my sister as well, who was 13, but after a few months when she went to summer school, I spent my summer days alone all day. Then during the school year, me and my neighbour friend were left home alone every day after school. Most times we would be together. I think its fine if you have responsible children, meaning they know not to open door for strangers, they don't play with fire etc.

AhhhHereItGoes · 20/05/2019 11:33

I'm surprised.

When I was 10/11 I often was home alone when at my friends house - we usually looked after her little sister who was 5 or 6.

Her Mum has amH problems though.

I think it depends how comfortable the boys are and her reason for going.

Boys comfortable and she needed to pick up money for builder etc - I think that's ok.

They didn't feel comfortable or she was going on to get a new jacket not so good.

AhhhHereItGoes · 20/05/2019 11:41

Mh.

DecomposingComposers · 20/05/2019 11:47

You don't make these decisions with children that aren't yours though surely?

I always checked with parents before I allowed anything that might be in anyway contentious and they did the same back. As they got older things like allowing alcohol for example. What I was ok with my children doing wasn't always the same as what another parent was ok with. That's why you check.

IronManisnotDead · 20/05/2019 11:47

Well your DH was happy enough to leave your son there despite knowing no other adult was present, and not seeing her when he drove through the town? Hmm

AhhhHereItGoes · 20/05/2019 11:50

But as an adult when my dc are old enough I will not leave visiting kids alone until their around 13.

I know what I got up to (trying Mums makeup, bucking the good sweets etc). Not letting anybvisitimh kids risk doing something a parent could get mad at.

Proseccoinamug · 20/05/2019 11:52

I leave my 11 and 9 year olds in the house while I take another child to an activity. However, I wouldn’t leave someone else’s child without permission.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 20/05/2019 12:01

I would say that while it’s not terrible to leave a 9 and 10 year old alone for a short while during day light hours, I certainly wouldn’t leave a child that wasn’t mine, without the parents permission.
If you don’t know the child well, you don’t know whether they are mature enough to be left or not, and at that age it varies.

So you are not being unreasonable to be annoyed.

PregnantSea · 20/05/2019 12:02

I don't think it's that big of a deal. Also it sounds like your DH didn't think it was a big deal either since he didn't wait for the mum to come back.

snowdrop6 · 20/05/2019 12:06

I think your dh should of waited for the mum

adaline · 20/05/2019 12:15

How come it's okay for you to leave your kids, but it's not okay for her leave hers? Hmm

Rezie · 20/05/2019 12:28

It is totally normal where I'm form, but I wouldn't do it in the UK since it's not the cultural norm.

Yabbers · 20/05/2019 12:35

Another query as to why DH left the other lad alone. I’d have taken them both home if it were that much of an issue, or waited for mum to return. It wouldn’t bother me as I know DD would be fine and if other mum trusts her kid that’s ok by me.

I’m also wondering how your kids get in touch with you when you leave them, if you leave your mobile?

fghkhfdryjkv · 20/05/2019 12:57

I wouldn't leave someone else's child at home while I went out. Mine stay home for small amounts of time but you can't do that with someone else's.

I'd be careful too about locking doors from the inside incase of a fire.