Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for some advice re my 4 year old daughter?

38 replies

SoCallMeMaybe · 19/05/2019 21:45

She’s always been lovely and sweet. Continues to be so out of the house, most of the time eg at nursery, where she goes three days per week. Never had a moments bother with her.

Her behaviour at home is DREADFUL all of a sudden. Completely out of character. Epic tantrums. Screaming and shouting and running to her bedroom. Really cheeky. Lashing out at me, DH and her wee sister (aged two, can give as good as she gets). This is unheard of for her. She’s also started coming into our bed every night. Which I don’t mind if she needs it right now.

Took her to a party today and she spent most of it sitting on the floor in a huff, for reasons that are not clear to me (I did ask her several times, tried to cheer her up etc but she just scowled). When we got home she was in her PJs watching Hey Duggee and looking happier. I asked her if she was happy and she said “yes. But something is in my head that’s making me feel a worry but I can’t say what it is” and then she changed the subject and wouldn’t be drawn on it again.

I am concerned. She suddenly seems so angry. My suspicion is that it is school. She is starting in August and had her first visit last week. It seemed to go well. She says she’s very excited. There is a lot of chat about it at nursery and we have picked up a couple of uniform bits and pieces for her. I can see why this might all be scary for her.

Any advice??

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 19/05/2019 22:02

Can you pinpoint anything that happened around the time she changed?

Summerorjustmaybe · 19/05/2019 22:04

Would she play a guessing game where you have to ask about 'the worry'?
Worry dolls are good too.

3luckystars · 19/05/2019 22:04

Stop talking about school entirely.

Don't mention it again until very close to the day she starts.

She could also be tired if she is having a growth spurt.

Knoxinbox · 19/05/2019 22:07

yes. But something is in my head that’s making me feel a worry but I can’t say what it is” and then she changed the subject and wouldn’t be drawn on it again

Any chance someone could have abused her?

Just thinking that since you say the change is so sudden and saying she “can’t say” what it is could mean literally, as in not that she can’t fins the right words, but that she isn’t allowed to say

MyNewBearTotoro · 19/05/2019 22:10

I would be worried something that’s upsetting her has happened and she’s been told by somebody else that she can’t tell. I’m not necessarily jumping to abuse from an adult but maybe bullying from another child or similar.

I would have a chat about secrets and make sure she knows that if something is making her feel bad she should never feel like she can’t tell a grown up. If it is ‘just’ a worry she can’t articulate then worry dolls and a chat about how to help make worried feel smaller by sharing them is a good idea. As she’s so little talking about these things whilst engaged in a play or drawing activity might help her to express herself better than just talking.

Digestive28 · 19/05/2019 22:11

Worry dolls is a good idea, maybe some side by side drawing or explaining what the worry feels like drawing out body feelings on a blank person, getting her to open up about the emotion may feel safer for her and set the scene for discussing the cause of worry. Good luck

Merryoldgoat · 19/05/2019 22:13

I’d be concerned but not overly at this stage.

You need to make her feel safe, secure and tell her that she can tell you anything in her head, tell her you won’t ever get angry with her for telling things she’s scared about and that your job is to help her.

Don’t ask, lead or pick - make her feel secure and let her come to you.

And listen to her. If she doesn’t want to go somewhere or is scared take notice.

Might be school, might be trivial, might be sinister but she needs to come to you.

Carpetburns · 19/05/2019 22:14

I'm sorry to suggest this but I agree with some previous posters that this could be a safeguarding issue. The "secret" rings some alarm bells. Desperately praying this isn't so. Thanks

Merryoldgoat · 19/05/2019 22:14

Also explain about good secrets and bad secrets - NSPCC has guidance on this.

Original poster
SoCallMeMaybe · 19/05/2019 22:15

Thank you.

I am alert to abuse but to be honest I don’t see it. She’s either with me or at nursery (all women - I know it’s not impossible but I’d say unlikely) and she’s always delighted to go to nursery. However I will definitely have a chat about secrets. I will look into worry dolls too. She is a worrier, she thinks deeply about things

I can see the point re no mention of school but we now have weekly visits right through to the end of June so it’s hard to avoid.

OP posts:
likeafishneedsabike · 19/05/2019 22:16

It’s probably nothing to worry about but the NSPCC pants video might be helpful?

Original poster
SoCallMeMaybe · 19/05/2019 22:16

I didn’t think she meant it was a secret though. Sorry I’ve explained this badly. I think she meant that she didn’t know how to explain it. She said something about it getting mixed up in her head

OP posts:
Fluffymullet · 19/05/2019 22:18

Does she like drawing? You could ask her to draw the worry or play dolls and act out the worry. It must be an unsettling time for her. I have a 4 year old starting school sept too. Her behaviour has got angrier and more defiant recently, but it's not unusual for her! X

Herland · 19/05/2019 22:19

My 5 year old was like this before starting school. Suddenly everything was very dramatic - friends were all horrible, her favourite food was disgusting etc. She got much better once school started.

Children aren't very good at articulated their feelings so anything you can do to help her verbalise feelings is good. Look at some emojis and ask her which one she is today or use a worry monster... You can buy them or fashion something similar yourself. Basically it's a cuddly toy monster with a zippy mouth. Your child writes or draws their worries and feeds it to the monster before bed. They have a sense of releasing their worries and you go on later to retrieve it to give you an idea of what they are worried about.

Do remind her about how mummies and daughters don't have secrets. Secrets are not good but surprises are. And that nothing bad will ever happen to anyone if you share secrets.

Original poster
SoCallMeMaybe · 19/05/2019 22:20

The change in her behaviour timing wise coincides with the school visit. She liked the classroom bit and did not like the playground. She is uncomfortable with being crowded by other children (even her friends at nursery) and I think this is what happened at the school visit in the playground. She seems happy to go back this week though.

OP posts:
Deafdonkey · 19/05/2019 22:21

I'd say school. It's a massive change and I do feel that for some kids the drawn out inductions make it worse.

Original poster
SoCallMeMaybe · 19/05/2019 22:24

Thank you everyone. I am taking all of this on board. I will be speaking to her about secrets and I’ll look at the pants rule etc. She needs to know all this anyway. The drawing is a great idea, she loves to draw.

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 19/05/2019 22:24

I’d say it’s school related as well.

Mrscog · 19/05/2019 22:27

In my experience 4 year olds go a bit mad before school. Both of mine had completely outgrown nursery by 4ish and were frustrated and angry for a few weeks - thank god they were spring born and not September I couldn’t have coped with a whole year of stroppiness.

clairemcnam · 19/05/2019 22:29

Kids this age can worry about things that might not even occur to adults. Like what does she do at school if she needs to go to the toilet? Will the children running around knock her over?
Starting school is a massive change.

Arborea · 19/05/2019 22:29

Maybe a storybook like this will help? www.booktrust.org.uk/book/r/rubys-worry/

Missingstreetlife · 19/05/2019 22:29

Got any books about starting school? Drawing is v good for troubled kids, they can explain the drawing to you. Also ask general questions 'is there anything you want to tell me'
often they chat if you do and usually while you're doing something else, driving, making a cake, it's less intense.
Just let her know you are listening but don't push it

ILikeYouToo · 19/05/2019 22:33

This book is fantastic - really helped my son when he went through a period of anxiety/worry. It was perfect for him age 6, so might be ok for 4 year olds. There's lots of drawing and things involved.
www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-Worry-Much-What/dp/1591473144?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

quizqueen · 19/05/2019 22:34

She sounds like she's worried about school and leaving nursery. She knows her life will change but is not sure how. I work in a children's nursery and they are all the same the term before school. We call it school-itis!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 19/05/2019 22:34

Its probably just a phase ..is she bored? My dd was ready for school and got quite stroppy and awkward when she was 4 ..it made for trying times!! She settled into school and I very nearly had to ask them where my daughter was and what they had done with her...she was a different child, back to being happy,settled and sort of normal ish again! Hang on in there OP ...lots of cuddles when you can and try not to rise to the pressure too much....

Swipe left for the next trending thread