Sex during pregnancy - very personal!

[MummyToBe89]

Hi all, fairly new to mumsnet and hope this isn’t too personal, I feel embarrassed writing it but I’d love your opinions.

My wife is 9 weeks pregnant with our first child and is terrified of having sex. We are a same sex couple so there would be no deep penetration (I can feel myself blushing!) but it’s not that that she’s worried about.

She feels that a strong climax may result in harm to the baby due to the contractions. I think she’s scared it could detach. I told her I’d read it’s actually encouraged during pregnancy especially as it brings couples closer together, but she’s too scared and of course I’d never push her.

I’m just worried that after 9 months of this we may grow apart. In the past if we’ve had a troubled patch and haven’t been intimate we’ve felt very much like 2 friends living together. It’s very common for lesbians to feel this way I believe it’s called lesbian death bed.

Did anyone else feel the same during pregnancy. I have told my wife we can wait until she’s ready and I’d never tell her I posted it on here, but would love to hear your thoughts.

I should add she suffered from one previous miscarriage which is why I am totally understanding of how she feels.

this is so off topic but I’ve always wondered how lesbians can have children ?

Um - what now? You've seriously NEVER encountered the concepts of sperm donation and IVF? Really?

Wow. You must lead a very sheltered life. Perhaps in the 1950s.

@MummyToBe89 congratulations! Please ignore these comments questioning your relationship I was exactly the same as your wife after a missed miscarriage the year before. I think subliminally I was trying to avoid anything I had done in the previous pregnancy incase that’s what caused the miscarriage. This came down to minute and irrational things but felt very real to me at the time. It doesn’t matter if she’s read 100 things on google saying it’s fine, if she’s read or heard one comment saying it isn’t - that will stick with her! My partner was really patient and after about 16 weeks (when I started showing a little bit) I felt a lot more relaxed and less superstitious. I think it will just be a case of going with it and waiting for her to feel comfortable but don’t take it personally! . . X

@Reastie that would freak me out too. I take it everything was ok? As if pregnancy isn’t scary enough they throw in a bit of bleeding every now and then! I went to college to do massage just so I could treat her with massages after her sport she plays and always give her head massages. She never lets me near her feet! I’ve booked us a nice overnight stay too next month. I just want her to relax and take it easy. I’d 100% never put pressure on her.

@nauseousMum thank you for your advice. My wife was seeing a therapist before she got pregnant to cope with the upset and stress of all our failed attempts (5 failed) and I have told her that it doesn’t necessarily mean she has to stop just because she’s pregnant. She also gets monthly acupuncture which she says really helps and feels like she’s on a cloud afterwards. We’re lucky that we can talk about pretty much everything so I’m confident if things got bad she’d be able to tell me or I’d spot it. Sorry to hear you’re vomiting a lot, I assume you already do but I read hag eating little and often helps and ginger biscuits.

Congratulations OP, exciting times!

I can completely relate to worrying about closeness if you’re used to sex being a big part of that. I was lucky in my pregnancy that I mostly felt well and we carried on dtd throughout and got back to it a couple of weeks after the birth despite a complicated EMCS. No pressure from DH at all and towards the end it wasn’t exactly swinging from the chandeliers, more like gentle spooning propped up by pillows with breaks to wait for the heartburn to subside

I’d had several mcs before this last one stuck so I can empathise with pregnancy after loss stress more than you know, but we both felt comfortable and I double checked with my consultant. Even after a bleed I asked if we should stop and he said no it was fine (found cause of it with a scan so not being reckless) as long as the bleeding had stopped. If anything, it made me feel more human and normal while I was juggling an insane drugs regime, covered in bruises from my jabs and getting used to my enormous bump.

Listen to your wife, keep talking, keep hugging and holding hands, give her four rubs, and see if she gets more comfy with the idea as the pregnancy progresses. Good luck with it all!

Wow it’s really hard to keep up with these comments? Is it polite and the done thing to reply to them all?

@DameSylvieKrin I can’t believe I didn’t realise it was that haha. No I didn’t even know you could do it until my friend mentioned it recently. It’s definitely something to look into!

@Allhail I’m so sorry to hear that. I will leave it to my wife to decide how we go forward.

@beebeezed I will ignore them I have nothing to prove about my relationship. I’m just a first time mother who came here for advice, plus the lovely people far outweigh the negative. I totally agree about reading 100 comments saying it’s ok. She heard one thing about not having an orgasm during the 2 week wait and is still really scared about it. But she is the pregnant one and I will do whatever she chooses.

I did acupuncture throughout too, found it amazing. When I was wavering on a tired weekend DH always made me go to it as he said it levelled me out and was so worth it. He was right and I can’t wait to go back when I can leave our baby for long enough!

Sex and masturbation during pregnancy releases endorphins, happy hormones, so your grape sized being will be VERY happy indeed! The more the baby gets the hormones the more it is supposed to be a chilled little one when it gets here.
You should be able to discuss this with your health worker or midwife if you have any ‘medical’ questions

Good luck 😉

When I was in early pregnacy orgasims would give me horrible cramps afterward which were really worrying. Perhaps after the 12 week scan she’ll feel better? I know I did xxx

When you orgasm your uterus does harden ( I guess contract ) so that can feel a bit weird but it soon goes back to normal.
Also once you have had the baby and are breastfeeding, an orgasm can trigger the let down reflex for milk flow. ( Well both happened to me so I'm assuming it's the same for everyone !

@user1486131602 I like that theory! I'm having acupuncture in the vain hope it'll help make this one a bit more chilled than baby 1 who was high strung from birth but I could totally get behind sex for a calm baba 😀 just as soon as I'm not spewing

In response to your question OP, no it's not something I've had before, not even when pregnant with my older DC(5). I have no idea why it's different this time - I'm preg with twins, which may have an effect, but I checked with midwife (and on here) and it's not unheard of. Everything is just more sensitive when preg so I guess having always had quite strong orgasms (but nice!) now that strength is not feeling so nice...? Either way having tried twice I wasn't willing to do so again, despite wanting to!

@AnneLovesGilbert my wife swears by it. She started going before our last attempt of IVF as she heard it helps it work and now said she’d rather go there than for a facial etc.

@Sweetsandcrisps did it stop after 12 weeks?

You've your whole life together to have sex. Just leave her be.

If she wants sex she will initiate it.

If your feeling you won't be as close now it will be even worse when baby is here I remember just after giving birth to my first I didn't feel like sex for the first 3 month and when we eventually did baby woke half way through- moment ruined haha this time I'm currently pregnant again and I'm just to tired we're still just as close nothing has changed xx

I'm not a lesbian but when I got pregnant with my son after 4 previous miscarriages I couldn't have sex with my husband in any form I was terrified something would happen xx

MummyToBe89 yes it did thankfully and having the reassurance at the 12 week scan helped too 😊

I became pregnant after ivf due to fertility problems. I have had multiple miscarriages, an ectopic and a stillborn. The gyn told me to take my vitamins and do whatever feels right. That way, whatever happens at least you don't look back and regret something. So as scary as it is, if she doesn't want to then that's it.

I have to add that although I don't think that sex is harmful, I really, really didn't feel like it when pregnant. Pregnancy made me feel like a vessel for my child, anything else just wasn't important, if it wasn't important for the foetus it just didn't register/occur to me, whatever it was.

Teehee share your stories omg so embarrassed teehee.

I can understand her not wanting it. I didn't fancy it much during pregnancy and that was without fear of miscarriage. Maybe find lots of other ways to be intimate such as stroking, massage etc.

Sounds like your worried about your needs not being met. Her body her choice. Either support her or have the decency to leave.

Haha yes @Ironman I’ll leave my pregnant wife who I love very much because she’s scared to have sex when pregnant. Sounds like something totally normal!

Many of the posters commenting on here will have been in relationships where the men have moaned and pressured them in to sex during pregnancy. It's also usually the time when abuse starts or ramps up so those of us that have been subjected to that tend to be very conscious of anything that looks like there could be coercion or a disregard for the pregnant woman over the need for the other partner to have sex.

The style of this post and subsequent comments also set off alarm bells for those of us who have been around for a while (I re-registered today after a short break so a search won't show much, but have been on here for about 18 months).

You've posted in AIBU when relationships might have given you different responses. It also reads a little "lesbian pregnancy sex fetish" along with "tell me all about your sex life when pregnant" so I hope you can see how people are commenting as they are.

I have been in a relationship like that myself, to the point my ex would make me go and sleep in a separate room if I said no. This is something my wife and I speak about very openly and she doesn’t like it either but is too scared and I totally understand that.

I am new and didn’t realise there was a different forum for different issues but I agree it would have sat better in a forum for relationships.

Can I ask what you mean by the lesbian sex fetish comment? I’m also not asking for details on people’s sex life, just a simple yes or no if people were also scared to have sex during pregnancy.

I was 🤢 to sex almost as soon as I fell pregnant - just couldn't be bothered.
However, 5 days after baby was here (both times) and after a c sections I was seriously up for it. Almost gagging for it 🥴 them hormones do some funky shit 😂